What do I do next......

[misy]

Name change.

I'm a pnd suffer and dd is 15 months, i'm now 19 weeks pregnant.

Due to the pnd I am finding life hard but I am receiving help. My main issues is gp and visiting. My life revolves around seeing both sets every weekend no matter what. Yeah sure this may not seem a problem but due to pnd and issues with my il's I hate this time of the week .

My dh now is unsupportive of me and today said I have a problem and that I am the one who is at fault. It just seems that we can't do spur of the moment things ie shopping as if it's a day we are due to see gp's we have to arrange our whole day iykwim. I would love to be able to say " if we see you we see you" but dh is now of differnt views.

This has erupted in an argument and dh has just punched several holes in the walls . He's tried to harm himself and has driven off.
What next..??

I'm emotionally and physically drained and the one person I have always relied is someone I no longer recognise.
I have suggest splitting but he won't have it, says he wants to see dd and dc2 everyday and won't have the possibility of someone else bringing them up....He also says I would never meat someone as high class as him, in other words I would only have the ability to meet some down and out . Not something I believe but I hate him for saying this..as if he's a prixe catch and I could never do better.

I'm trying to make dd see that things are ok and daddy will be back soon but I can't ever see us getting over this...........

BTW dh blames ME for all of this .

o god misy... i'm so sorry

it sounds like your dh has mental health issues of his own that he needs to get sorted. my dp suffers on and off from depression and we've had incidents a bit like what you've descibed with him flying into a really terrifying rage during an arguemnet and throwing things and frightening dd and me while i was preg. he does realise afterwards when he's calmed down how out of control he was and is sorry but that doesn't help much.

your dh needs to talk to someone, if not you then a professional as he obviously is having trouble coping.

big {{{hugs}}} misy, dealing with him is the last thing you need with pnd

I don't see why you should have to spent every weekend seeing grandparents.
Is DH normally like this?Sounds an extreme response from him.
I have no experience of pnd.
((hugs for you))

The last time this happened was 5/6 years ago when we had major issues as did actually split but I thought we had grown up since then. I have controlled myself alot and have been a changed person. I hate the fact this has happened while dd has been around as I am worried the effect it will have on her.

I do love him and he is such a wonderful caring guy but I can't cope with this relationship anymore. We seem to be different people sadly. He says he is depressed at times but any suggestions I make to seek help are replied to with things such as I'm ok I can cope etc. He's not the type you can push into doing something he won't.

TBH at the moment I can't be bothered trying to save my marriage, I don't even care what he's doing right now and I know that sounds quite harsh and selfish but I feel like my life is no longer my own, i'm a sahm (which I enjoy) but I feel alot is expected of me and that I am just seen as x's mum and a baby machine. I spend my days doing whats "others" want.

tortoise, do you mean is he usually this voilent and OTT..? No..

If you mean does he have this opinion of seeing gp's every weekend..yes. He feels it's no harm seeing them for a hour or so, but as a dutiful wife I have to put on a smile and sit through the shit iykwim. My li's can't speak to me like they used to, can't ask me how I am, hows the pregnancy going etc. Its all through dh. BUT I go for dh's sake. I see little of him during the week due to work and I see weekend's as "family" time.

Oh god, what have I done......

Sorry i X posts i have responded to your OP post

Good that he's not normally violent.

I still feel you shouldn't have to see gp's every weekend even if it is just for an hour!
Family time also means just you,dh and dc.

You haven't done anything wrong imho.

I agree do not blame yourself you have done nothing wrong here.

thanks everyone but it so hard not to blame myself, thats how he makes me feel.
scoobydooo, it's nice to hear someone with the same views regarding pnd. DH believes that I am how I am just to be awkward. Like you I to have pushed away family as like you said, it's to much for me atm.

We had a day shopping yesterday and it was lovely, something we don't do alot of and it was nice being a "family". Not having people to answer to or to rush home for. But then sunday rears it's ugly head, I was prepared for the visits BUT then dh wanted to do something today so again our plans had to be arranged around everyone else. He can't see it though.

I think I love him although at the moment I'm not sure, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS 20 OR EVEN 30 YEARS DOWN THE LINE. He says he loves me but many a time I think he's here keeing me "sweet" for the sake of dd and child to be. Its as though he doesn't want to have a breakdown in the marriage etc. He can't understand with my pnd I have to "inflict" it on others and bring them down..FFS it's not like I have choosen to feel this way. .
Many a time I just wish that I could go where noone would ever find me...just me...and dd....

I will be back on later to right another post but i have to go sort kids out

Try & be strong & please don't blmae yourself honestly it's not your fault. x

misy ... "FFS it's not like I have choosen to feel this way." I completely understand what you mean by that and it is pretty much, exactly what I told my mother when she told me to pull myself together when I had PND.

Does your DH understand exactly what PND is? I think that is where men (in cases of PND) and other non sufferers of depression fail - often they don't understand it as an illness. You are functioning, walking, talking, no plaster cast, no hospital stays (well, unless you have it very badly) and so to many you are NOT ill .. it is in your head. And you go around wondering if maybe they are right but you can't help feeling so bad and you can't help recognising that you have changed and wish to god that things were like they were before kids - well, that is how it was for me anyway.
My DH was gutted that I had PND ... I remember one night, he practically begged me not to be depressed and to go back to how I used to be. Hmmmm, well, as you know it was impossible. All I could do was try to make him understand about depression ... and hope to god that he would stick by me. My DH is not a violent man but we have had some humdingers of rows since we had children - having children changes so much in a relationship. All DH and I can do is keep to the fact that we love eachother despite the fact that we often want to kill eachother (IYSWIM?)
We don't have the family commitments that you have but I can see how much pressure that is putting you under.
Is there any way you could try to make your DH see that this weekend pressure is not helping you get better? Can you take him with you to the doctor and get the doctor to explain what PND is and how he can help?
I know that if DH hadn't been as supportive as he was our marriage would have crumbled because of the PND ... you need your DH to help you through this and he needs to stop being so selfish.

Also - please know that you WILL get better ... PND doesn't last forever (generally). I heard DH tell a friend whose wife was suffering with PND that it was like his wife had been abducted by aliens but then returned after 2 years.

Hugs and sorry for long post ... just wanted to send my support really. xxx

Ghostly your post has me in tears...

Thing is I don't think dh understands pnd at all. He always seems like a modern gent etc but I don't think he fully understands me or what I am going through. I think he wants a "perfect" wife and hasn't ended up with one.

I have tried to involve him in what my consellor discusses with me but he feels it's a discussion between me and her and not for the outside world. She has told me to be open with dh BUT how can I..? It's as if he doesn't want to know and that if he treats me like a kid I will get better. Not the way at all. I need him to understand me and to know that I am not trying to make his life as a misery as he tells me.

He blames me for the falling out I had with his parents and says the relationship he had before was close with them..not it's not. I don't blame myself BUT how can I live knowing this is how he feels. As if I have got my way after so long..

Oh I don't know. life seemed so easy when I was 17. I just wish I had someone else life. I feel life would be so much better if I wasn't around.

SD, thanks I will look forward to your post later. xx

Hello again sorry for the looong delay...

I am with ghosty i really don't think men do understand PND, i suppose though in a way it's hard for them to understand because like other women say when another women has not had PND it's hard for them to comment.

I have found that PND is very hard to live with, i feel i am contatntly batteling to be happy or not cry or get stressed about things & smile every day, do you feel like this?

I think the best thing you can try & do in your situation at the moment is sit down when your dh is calm & try to talk to him, let him know that you never asked to have PND & it is a battle every day for you to cope with it but you are doing your best & all you need is his support is well.

I believe the last thing someone with PND needs is pressure i have found this out myself because i have alot of pressure on me at the moment (whole other story) but when the pressure piles on me i feel 100x worse & all i want to do is run away, do you feel like this too?

You need to take everyday at a time, try & be positive, don't be forced into seeing people you dont want to, you really need to put your foot down, just say if you would like to go Gp's with dd then please do but today i dont feel like it, that way there is no pressure & if you do ever feel like it you can just say "i will be coming today"

I think the only way your dh is going to try & understand about Pnd is if you sit down explain exactly how your feeling & just say you need his complete understanding until you have got past the bad times.

I hope everything works out ok for you, fighting with PND is a very hard thing & it does put alot of strain on a relationship, if you can fight through it together you will sure be better people when you come out the other side.

xx

thanks sd. dh has come home earlier today and we have been out to the shops. He feels that ignoring the issue and carrying on as before solves things but I am the type of person who needs discussions and to lay things to rest iykwim.
He just fells like I am continuing the argument which is so not what I intend to do. I just need closure.

What you have said is exactly right, yes I do feel like running away..on many occasions..sometimes the urge to get away is so strong and I have to fight to change my mind as I feel it's not fair on dh. Yes I do also feel like I have to put on a front everyday.
I have spoken to dh this pm and have told him how I feel, he replied "well how come you are the only one with pnd.?" So makes me feel like it's something I just thought "hey I could do with a bit of that.." LOL.
He compared us to friends who have lo's the same age and as I pointed out they have different views to us, they leave their lo's with gp's while they work or go out, we don't. They work, I don't. They aren't as highly strung as I am..also for all we know they could have pnd and be hiding it on the odd occasion we see them. I also pointed out that today we could have walked past 30 women with pnd...all looked normal and happy with babies etc but then people I know think and have told me the same about me. It's an act.

I have told him I will compromise on the visiting issue and who knows I may change come 3 or 6 or 12 months..who knows. I have never known what it's like to have a baby and feel "content". But it seems he wants all or nothing. He still views me as having a problem which he can't deal with. I now feel like I have rusined things for everyone and I have an even bigger weight on my shoulders..

Sorry to go on but I feel alone at this moment in time.

DH suggested him going on the men's forum to see if any there have experienced their dw/dp having pnd and how things went.
I thought our relationship could withstand anything (following mc's we seemed a unit iykwim) but now I really don't know. I just feel like I have worn dh down and that he wants to choose a route out.

But then I think...well he should stick it out as it was OUR decision to have dd and OUR decision to have dc2 before I had completely finished my ad's. But things seemed so good. Also dh thinks that seeing the consellor will "cure" me and thinks in so many weeks I will be the old me....doesn't realise that she can only advise me and guide me..we have to put into practice what she discusses. Something I don't think he will do.

misy, the fact that he's willing to come to MN and ask the other male posters for advice is a pretty good first step. i think its impossible for someone whos never coped with pnd to understand how completey debilitating it is (i've never experianced pnd but have suffered from depression so i have some insight into what it must feel like).

for what it's worth what you discribe about your differant reactions to an arguement sound perfectly normal... most women want to discuss the problem, most men want to forget it ever happened, i wouldn't get too upset about that.

let him come on MN and get some personal accounts from other men who've dealt with their partners having pnd and let that be a starting point.

thanks pinktulips. Everyones help has been invaluable today I really do appreciate it.
I hope dh gets some help, hopefully via mumsnet.

I suppose it's been since times began that men and women have different opinions. I just hope we can sort through ours. xx