I need to talk this out and work through what's going on out loud

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 2 years now and in that time have had 2 mc's which has had a huge effect on us, although more him than me for some reason, psychotic ally.

From the start of our relationship DH has had a low sex drive (twice a month and he thinks he's had too much sex!) and has also had problems with retarded ejaculation, the two are more than likely linked and I married him in the full knowledge I have a much higher sex drive than he does and felt that less sex is a small sacrifice to marry an otherwise perfect, for me, man. However, this has now become a major issue between us with the TTC issues and MC's to the point it's formed a massive wedge between us and DH's answer to any discussion we now have about it being 'why don't you leave me if I can't give you what you want?' Which hurts me and also hurts him to say it.

This all came to a complete head this weekend when I ended up in hospital and for a while it was looking touch and go for me, DH has now said that due to the high risks of pregnancy and labour he's really not prepared to face those risks and face the probability of losing me and resenting the child that we produce, end result is DH now wants to stop TTC.

I'm lost. On one hand I have an amazing husband who I love and who loves me in return. On the other, I'm in my early 30s and desperate to be a mum and have no idea what to do about it. I've suggested to DH we go to the GP and have an open discussion and get medical advice about his issues and also to get medical advice to alay any fears he has about pregnancy and childbirth in general and then also in context to my health and the effects they could have on me which he has agreed to.

I don't know what to do, I know I'm lucky I have a loving caring husband who is scared of losing me, so why isn't that enough for me?

And I don't know why that says psychotic ally I meant psychologically! Autocorrect is not my friend

It's not enough because it's not enough. You want to be a mother enough to overcome the various obstacles and heartaches. He doesn't want to be a father enough to take those risks. No-one's right and no-one's wrong here but those two perspectives are far enough apart about a very crucial and very emotive matter - children - that it's creating a rift. I'm so sorry about the mc's because that feeling of 'if only' will be adding to your anxieties about your age and future chances etc. For his part, it can be crippling to see a partner suffering, hospitalised, upset etc and I can understand why he'd want to back off rather than experience more hurt.

How would you feel about stopping ttc for a year, strengthening your relationship and then approaching it fresh?

I'd recommend giving you both a break from TTC (not just him). I'm sure your relationship will benefit.

Then in about a years time, try broaching the subject again.

The idea of taking a break from TTC I know is the right thing to do but that ache of 'what if' is still there

What if we take a break and repeat the cycle of mc's again how long do we leave it before giving up again
What if we take a break and never catch

I suppose I'm thinking with my heart, as he is, I can't begin to imagine what he's feeling. Yes he's told me but it's not the same as being in his shoes is it.

"What if we take a break and never catch"

No-one has a crystal ball and the options you have at this stage all have risks attached. Whether you push ahead, take a break from ttc or even end the marriage and ttc with someone new (not that I'm seriously suggesting it, just covering all the bases) there are massive pros and cons. It's just my experience but I find making a conscious decision to do something or not do something is ultimately easier to live with - even if it all goes tits up - than simply drifting, waiting and hoping.

My husband and I took a break from TTC. We'd had a late MC and then not conceived for a year afterwards (having previously conceived immediately).

I digress... My point is we took a 6 month break - but what that meant is that we did not have the religious insistence on sex every day for a week from Day 8 of my menstrual cycle.

Secretly, (because I harboured the same 'what ifs' that you have) I continued to track my cycles and did surreptitiously try to initiate sex at the right times. But did not obsess about it and did not become upset each time my period came.

The break and the ability to just enjoy sex (rather than it being a chore) was wonderful. When we officially started TTC again in December 2013, I conceived straight away. Now I'm 24 weeks pregnant :-)

I get what you're saying, a definitive decision means you have made peace with that stance and can live with it.

I don't like drifting, I don't want to drift, I know I'll do what waffle did and still cycle track and still be upset when AF arrives if I agreed to stop TTC though.

It would be an easy decision to make if DH were a twat, I could simply LTB, but he's not, and that's what hurts so much. It doesn't help that everyone I know and their dog (quite literally in some cases!) is pregnant or just had a baby and it's making it all the more raw. Add into that DH is an only child and MIL is on our case...

My head hurts

No real advice but I just wanted to say from reading your post that it seems that you've sacrificed a fulfilling sex life and now you're considering sacrificing your desire for a child, for this man.

I'm not sure I could live like that without an awful lot of resentment building up inside me over time.

His reply of why don't you leave me if I can't give you what you want? every time you've tried to discuss your issues doesn't indicate to me that he's really interesting in seeing things from your point of view or working with you to get to a place/compromise that you're both happy with.

Yes, as Canary Yellow says, it sounds as though you've made a lot of sacrifices already.

You want a child. If it were not for your husband, how would you go about fulfilling that? You need to consider your options and priorities and of you decide to rremain with him and accept the compromises that involves, then you will know you chose freely and consciously.

If. Not of. Phone, apols.

Hi thanks for your advice

DH took himself off to the doctors today who told him all his issues are psychological and offered him counselling which he declined saying he wants to talk it through with me first.

The GP also allayed some of his concerns about my health but wants to see us both together to hear from me what they are and then talk to us both.

I've told him to get his arse to counselling if it's what he wants because then at least he can talk through EVERYTHING in an open environment and not be judged, I'm hoping he will again go to the dr off his own back and get that booked.

For my part I've said to him I won't pressure him into having sex - I don't feel I do anyway but I've said I will stop instigating sex for the time being if he is going to follow things up.

He seems serious about it so I will have to take him at his word

I always seem to be hopelessly naive when it comes to these threads but to me that sounds really positive. It is a rare man who'll take himself to he GP.

You say you nearly died last weekend, is that right? With a trauma like that so fresh in both your minds you do need to be kind to yourselves and not rush to make any big decisions.

It was serious but not life threatening once they'd worked out what it was. It's that that prompted all the heavy conversations between us.

Btw sex is not on the cards from my point of view for a while until I'm fully well again