Don't want to be told LTB

[Imsuchamess]

I may need a colonoscopy. Well I am very scared as I was anally raped at 15 and I am phobic about people going anywhere near my bum. Well when I told d?h he burst out laughing. He knows my history. I'm not speaking to him I'm very upset.

He also has refused to be present saying I have vaginal examinations and I was raped there also. But I explained that's different I had to have vaginal examinations pretty soon after it happened because when he raped me I got pregnant and had to have a termination which went wrong. So the fear didn't have time to build.

Also I said I had consented to vaginal sex but I had never given consent before or since for anal sex.

I feel so let down by his reaction.

That's horribly insensitive and I'm not surprised you're upset. Does he think you should be over it? Does he not understand that you may never be? Have you had enough counselling/therapy or should it be ongoing?

As a more immediate question, do your doctors know your history? Could the procedure be done under general, or heavy sedation or something? I doubt anyone enjoys a colonoscopy but some people need more help than others and you shouldn't feel unable to ask.

Your poor thing. I don't know what to say about your husband's reaction but You have been through a lot and how you react to it and get through it, well it's YOUR reaction. I don't blame you not to consent to anal sex. That is your right and nobody (husband, doctor, mumsnetter) should laugh. I'm not laughing. I hope you get support. Can you tell the doctors so that they can be more sensitive. I hate smear tests and find them really humilating and de-humanising while they're happening but afterwards, it's a relief that it's done. So it is totally different in that wayy, although I understand why you connect a rape with a procedure.

Would a sedative help ? a really sstrong sedative?

With colonoscopys you can choose to have a sedative. Some people do, some people don't. You don't have to tell the doctors your history, merely saying you have serious anxiety and would like to insist on a sedative will do.

You DH was deeply insensitive. You have a right to be deeply hurt by his reaction.

Sorry but what an absolute pig of a man, that would be enough for me to tell him to GTF.

You poor thing - I'm not surprised you're upset - it's bad enough having a health problem which may require a colonoscopy with your very sad experiences without someone laughing at you. Does your DH know what a colonoscopy is - did he realise it involved your anus and rectum ?

Can I give you some information about colonoscopies - I had one a couple of years ago and I used to be the nurse assisting the doctor many years ago.

If you do need one you'll be given an information leaflet and a diet sheet and a medicine in order to clear the bowel so the doc can see the inside wall of the bowel. You have to have one day with fluids only and then a 2nd day with clear fluids only. I suppose individual hospitals may be slightly different. You take the medicine the day before the procedure and then you sit on the loo for the day until it's finished if you get my drift. On the day You're in a hospital gown with the lovely flap at the back and You're given a sedative IV which basically knocks you out and fully relaxes you. You are lain on your side. I don't recall a thing honestly and no pain at all on waking. I've never heard of a partner accompanying a patient having a colonoscopy but that doesn't mean it does'nt happen but you wont be awake to notice them. You'll spend an hour or so waking up and can then go home - but you shouldn't drive yourself.

I agree with Halfcracked that if you need a colonoscopy it would be a good idea to check the doctors know your history.
Best of luck

You poor thing. I dont know why your dh is a dick.

Blimey, OP, I felt upset just reading that. Is your H usually so insensitive or is this unusual?

Humpf...that is so unfair. Please know that your health professionals will be super super sensitive and nice especially if they know your history so don't let it put you off looking after yourself and having the colonoscopy if you do need one. If it helps...remember that whoever raped you was out for control. But they do NOT control your vagina, rectum, mouth, brain or any part of you. You belong to you and only you. You win with every step you take which makes you feel like you have that control. You sounds like a strong person to even be talking about it on this forum, all power to you.

Thanks all yes I'm going to discuss my history with the doctor and ask for heavy sedation. I have had therapy but I've never been able to overcome the fear of anyone touching that area.

He said I would have laughed if a misfortune befell him which is true. But I snapped yes a misfortune but not something serious like you were anally raped and were scared about a procedure. I haven't spoken to him since.

I don't want him there any more he is usually supportive that's why I wanted him there but after his reaction I just don't want him there.

I am very angry with him and I don't really know how to let this go. I feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I feel he was very diss missive of my feelings.

I know this may sound like a over reaction but I'm feeling like he is not the loving supportive partner I thought. Instead I have turned to my best friend for support and he has been great. He said it will all be over quickly and he wishes he were female so he could accompany me.

He spent a hour on the phone calming me down.

Your best friend can come to the day ward and spend the day keeping you company - they just can't come into the theatre. But if they are willing it might be an idea to ring the day ward to check its not only next of kin who can be there with you by your bed for the day. Its certainly not in the ward I worked in.

Oh god what an idiot.

The only thing i could say possibly in his defence is that this may be so far outside his frame of reference that he has no idea how to deal with the subject? He may be embarrassed, angry and sad for your past experiences but have no idea of an acceptable way to display this to you. For most things one encounter there is a rough blueprint for how to deal with stuff but perhaps he doesn't have one for this?

I'm really scrabbling around trying to find a reason for his behaviour as its really really bad. sorry.

I have no comment left to make, I am afraid.

If you don't want to be told to LTB, what advice is it that you are after, OP?

If you don't want to LTB, then you have to accept that you're choosing to stay with a man who finds your double rape as a child (yes, a child, as you were 15) a source of amusement and who chooses not to support you when you have a medical procedure that's unpleasant and invasive even when you've never suffered any negative experiences with that body part. You're feeling like he's not the loving and supportive partner you thought he was, because he's not.

Repeat that to yourself - he finds you being vaginslly and anally raped as a child amusing.

Have you considered that suffering such horrible experiences mean that you've lowered your standards of what to accept in a partner?

He has behaved disgustingly, OP. You deserve better, and you know it - I think the fact that you've asked us not to tell you to LTB means that you know it's what you should do...

OP it takes a certain sort of immature sicko to laugh when someone tells them they were anally raped. It is an incomprehensible reaction for anyone with a normal level of human empathy.

Did he laugh when you told him you were vaginally raped? Does he generally find your history of violent sexual abuse amusing?

If my DP had this reaction it would fundamentally call into question everything and I would frankly LTB.

I've had a colonoscopy under general anaesthetic due to anxiety. Please talk to the consultant about your anxiety.

Your dh is absolutely vile. I couldn't stay with him after that.

OxfordBags makes a good point and I think that's the angle to take with him.

"I'm angry and upset because you think the double rape of a child is funny."

I had a very hard conversation with DH once when he commented about a news article and I spelled out for him what his comment meant to me: "so you think I should have fought back harder? And therefore it's my fault?"

DH realised he was being a twat and what the wider implications were of his casual, privileged remark. I honestly don't know what I'd have done/said otherwise.

We have been together since I was 17 he has supported me for ten years and never have I had reason to question him as a supportive and loving partner. I also have scizoaffective disorder and he has supported me throughout that and my many episodes. Normally he is excellent and I'm not just making excuses for him.

If I'm honest his reaction has shocked and thrown and confused me as it is so out of character but I can see this is a big mistake on his part. I guess I just don't understand. Why after ten years he has decided to do this. I'm now trying to think of a excuse for his reaction and I am unable too.

There is no excuse. But he has been so supportive in the past that I am generally bewildered. I'm still not ready to speak to him. But he has been supportive this past year of not only a year long psychotic episode but me shutting him out hiding in my bedroom and refusing to talk to him. He is attending my mental health appointments because ATM I am scared and nervous about them. So I just don't get his reaction. He also reacted oddly and out of character to something else today.

His behaviour is seriously making me think wtf. I can't explain it I can't excuse it. He is just behaving oddly almost like he woke up yesterday and decided I'm going to be a prize twat.

What a jerk.
Even if his reaction was based in the 8year old true him who will laugh at anything pertaining to someone's anus...thus being completely dismissive of your existence...I do not see how your relationship could not be fundamentally changed. ((Sorry you have suffered such awful experiences.))

My colonoscopy was done in March. It was exactly as DPotter said. I had general anesthesia (which is standard here in the states). It was required to have a person to assist with transportation home. Their only restriction on that was it could not be a taxi driver. My procedure was at 7am and I was home by 10:30am.

A misogynist would find the double rape of a female child amusing or unimportant. Misogyny wouldn't stop a misogynist being supportive in terms of mental health, which is unrelated to sex or gender.

Was it a nervous laugh? Instead of him going the opposite way and becoming very angry?

I wouldn't want that man any where near me ever again.

In fact I don't think I'd ever want to look at him again.

To be honest, I feel absolutely disgusted at the way this man has behaved towards you. He is vile.

I agree with OxfordBags.