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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sons dad is a wasteman?

7 replies

zunited · 03/06/2014 10:48

OOO where do I start
I have been with childs father since 05 on and off. At present we are Off and looks like its for good this time. He is very mulpulitive and controlling behind closed doors but on the outside portrays like butter would not melt.
I have always been the breadwinner he used me for my money and accommodation for years. He pretended that he loved and cared about me I never really brought it but did the best that I could to make things work. Since I had my son he has had serious ego issues. He has always been a bum but because he has middle class parents he was always catered for by me and his parents.
When I feel pregnant he portayed that I tried to trap him to a lot of people that we knew eventhough what happens behind closed doors in the bedroom to me is private. But he ‘came’ around and was ‘there’ during the pregnancy a pain in the backside I was working to keep a roof over our heads. Even got him a job and he left it and left me to work pregnant whilst he remained unemployed.
I got on with his mum but she is just as bad as he is a probably the reason why he behaves the way he does. Our son is now 4 years of age; he makes me tries to make out that our son is perfect because of him even though he does not do a thing to help.
He’s a reasonable good looking guy and I know ‘girls’ may attract his attention but he was with me for such a long time and seems to show me the person he was ment to care about and love little respect.
Well after getting cussed by my mum for treatenting to punch me in my face. Hes gone back to his mums and not bothered to help me financially or emotionally with our boy. I work at 8 am mon – fri and asked him to help me with getting our boy to school but he didn’t bother and his family encouraged him not to bother. Its an interacial relationship don’t know if he thinks hes superior.
Fact of matter is he makes out hes a perfect father now were not together has become accustomed to not seeing son or only every other weekend. Eventhough he tried make out to the world that I stopped him from seeing him. I didn’t stop him I just don’t want my boy to be taken for a mug.
Do I miss him? Hell No. He is just smug and makes me sick. Cause all he cares about is himself. I refuse to be ‘amicable’ with him. I have tried so many times and he just laughted and abused the situation.

Just dont like the way he tries to poision my son. When i try displine boy and say dont do that he would say to boy its fine to do something thats wrong just to p1ss me off. His brother is a waste of space also gives him advise to be a bad dad just cause hes in some joke of a relationship.
The man is posioned but makes out he cares about me. I've locked him off as much as it hurts/hard and boy is now wiithout dad but the man took liberties. Just dont appeciate him going to the pub with a bunch of losers making me out to be a mum who wants to keep child away from dad. He kicked me around the head then laughed I called the cops he escaped. When they caught up with him they put in him in a cell put i dropped charges cause I didnt want him to get a criminal record nor did i need the stress. Friends have not been very good with their advise i've had to lock alot off casue were I'd been there for them in the past they werent really there for me. They just wanted me at times to go along with their fairy tale life styles and me to be in misery. Dont get me wrong we could really get on at times but his mum was a evil so and so, and he didnt have the balls to stand up to her nonsense. Perhaps cause she has a million pound house in Highgate she feels some sence of control.
Your opinions would truley be apprecaited.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/06/2014 10:55

Sounds like you are definitely better off without this cocklodger. You are already strong and capable and doing it all. Well done you. Some friends and family will always prefer things don't change. Keep the friends who stand by you. They're the ones worth it.

It sounds like you need some set routine for contact etc. you do not want to have to rely on him when you need to work. Is ds at school yet? Breakfast clubs are fantastic things, and often quite reasonable.

Get on to the csa about maintenance. Sort out a set arrangement for contact (every other weekend?) and then sit back and enjoy the rest of your life away from this loser.

You will be happy! And never settle for anyone who doesn't make you happy and contribute to your life.

zunited · 03/06/2014 12:12

problem is i got a really good job which starts at 8 same time as breakfast clubs start if only they started earlier. So my mum who has a disability has been taking son to nursery (he starts school in sept) job has perks I get half term etc but this father has been sitting on his back side doing nothing, wakes up at mid day etc. Couldn't even help me with this yet were both suppose to have join responsibility. Job at present cant allow me to start slightly later and give me a break but I refuse to leave cause its in IT and a good opportunity for me to do well. This is when it all kicked off with him. Think he is jealous and his mums fake pretends she happy and cares but she have her son water plants in her garden then look after her grandson. I tried set routine with him but as i have said hes a moron. He was suppose to have boy on Saturday and did not show. Says he loves his son but got exactly what he want the chance to do f all.

He says he has depression and takes medication and sometimes his medication makes him a bit crazy, but at end of day when you see him he acts like a normal person, but he's a c'nt!

I recall when baba wakes up in morning and would ask him for some help and he would throw things at me because 'he needed to sleep'.

He's 'got a job now' cause csa were taking £5 a week off him and says he will start to pay for son but i just dont buy what he says. (pay day month has just pasted as i aint seen a penny) His mum will prob say she needs rent ahead of paying for his son. Shes one vile moron and a retired teacher aswell feel sorry for the kids she taught.
She always calls me and i dont answer cause she's full of shit. She would try to sound of liberal and clever but shes a moron. He abuses her aswell so she know what hes like, so does his dad and its down to the fact that there rich but shit parents. Buts its not down to them now he needs to grow out of that.

He got locked off 'just rude and abusive at my house then runs back to his mums to wipe his arse' hes 32 years old. When that CSA changes cant wait cause he'll have to pay gov 20% tax on top of what child gets and I know i would be pissed if that was me but good the amount of dosh he pounced off me amounted to about 5k.

I know he wont keep his job he cant wake up in the mornings consistently HAPPY DAYS WHEN THEY SACK HIM :-)

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/06/2014 12:29

Well you know you can't rely on him, so sadly that's just not an option.

Tell him he can see ds every other weekend (or whenever is best for you), give him all the dates. If he doesn't collect him, then he's missed his slot.

The more you can disconnect the better you will feel, trust me. The opposite of love isn't hate or anger, it's apathy, that moment when you simply don't care and they can't make you angry anymore.

He doesn't turn up? Great, you get more time with your lovely ds.

The only ongoing problem is the mornings. Could you see if you could find a nanny who would take him to school? There may be a nanny around who starts with other dcs at 8.30 who would be happy to have ds for half an hour and drop him at breakfast club. Worth a look anyway.

Whatever happens you are better off!

trappedinsuburbia · 03/06/2014 12:43

What about a childminder instead of breakfast club ?

Matildathecat · 03/06/2014 12:52

If you advertise at the nursery or school you might well find a local mum or childminder who will do the mornings for you.

He sounds an unreliable nightmare anyway and I'd be avoiding all contact with him. Trying to get him there on time would be terrible, he'd come late on purpose to annoy you and have daily access to your ds and show him his bad ways.

No. Avoid him like the plague and sort out your own arrangements.

Good luck with your job.

AmberLeaf · 03/06/2014 13:11

Childminder for school drop offs/pick ups.

Let the CSA deal with getting child maintenance from him.

Detach from his silly games, let it wash over you. I know that is hard, but it will be better for your wellbeing if you do. You can't change how he is, so just let him get on with his crap.

He is a total shit for letting your son down over visits, that is not a nice thing to watch your child go through. You need to let your son know that it isn't because of anything he has done that his dad does that, but at the same time, do not slag off his dad in your sons presence, as much as he is a crappy dad, your son will take it to heart and it may well cause him a lot of upset and conflicted feelings.

Maybe in an age/level of understanding appropriate way, tell your son that being a parent is a very important job that requires grown ups to be grown up and sensible, but that some of them aren't mature enough to do it right. That way it puts it all on his dad, but also leaves the door open for when/if his dad gets with it and starts behaving like a proper father.

You may think that that sounds like making it easy for his dad, but it's not about that, it is all about making things easier for your son.

zunited · 03/06/2014 13:14

Yeah that is what I am hoping for in September to get a child minder instead of breakfast club. my hours are 8-4 so its not that bad and at half term i work 9-3 or take it as a/l. That guy tried to sabotage my career.

I have a childminder in mind so fingers X it works out. Just lucky to have my mum helping me at present. Yes I agree its hard sometimes collecting d from nursery and he always ask for his dad in front of staff. The staff all know him as well he's proud to promote that hes a waste of space and make our family look bad. I refuse to even talk to him on the phone now. Thanks for the advise people i really appreciate it, as times i think i am going insane :-) . I do have to sort it out myself. Just don't appreciate the 'LAW' saying that its equal parental responsibility when clearly that is not the case.

Again thanks for the advise :-)

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