Help my poor friend

[Ifyoubuildit]

My poor friend's H announced that he's leaving her last night. He's been emotionally bullying her for well over six months, going into silent moods for weeks at a time and blaming her for being a nag.

Now he's saying he's been miserable for years and wants out. He's been living away during the week anyway as he works in a hotel, suggested by a counsellor apparently, leaving her with a four year old and two year old. They struggle with money anyway, she's a part time nurse, so she's struggling to see how she'll cope without his income.

He's saying it's all her fault for nagging and niggling him but after two counselling sessions he refused to go back. She also tried to persuade him to see his GP as she thought he might be depressed but he refused.

Now she feels totally wrecked and doesn't know how she'll manage on her own financially or practically as he's gallivanting around without any of the responsibility and with all the money.

What should she do to make some positive steps? I really want to help, she's all over the place.

Thank you

See a solicitor. Perhaps you could go with her? Help her to look at what benefits she'd be entitled to and what his CSA contributions would be (likely to be on the low side, so see if the solicitor can ask for a reasonable amount).

Plus - remind her of the upside. She can live her life without being bullied any more!

She can look on a benefits calculator to see if she is entitled to working and child tax credits. And there is a maintenance calculator she can use to see how much she can get per week from her husband.

It must be scary for her facing this, but better to be single and happy than married and miserable.

Has she made sure that she is getting tax credits and seeing if she is entitled to any financial help? That is the first thing she should do. She also needs to sort out childcare for her shifts, I don't suppose the hospital has a nursery for staff does it> (Long shot I know!)

She should also, and I know this is easier said than done, really make sure he goes. Gets his stuff and doesn't think he can swan in and out when he feels like it and doesn't think he can have full maid service resumed if he feels like it.

If she could take some control back, she might feel stronger about it. Instead of feeling powerless and that he has done all this to her

I know he has, but I am trying - badly - to describe a way for her to feel that she is in control of what happens now, iyswim.

She can also go to the CSA, or at least tell him to pay for the children he helped to create or she is going to.

She can't make him pay, if he's going to be a feckless wanker, this country doesn't seem to see much of a problem with that, but she can remind him that it is in fact his obligation to jointly provide for the people he helped to bring into the world.

She also has you. To support her, to listen to her, to be in her corner. That's invaluable.

I suppose your friend has realised that he's got someone new by now? I'm sorry she's going through such a horrible experience and been rejected in this way.The help she needs falls roughly into two types... emotional and practical. She probably doesn't quite accept it's over and I expect she's not strong enough to start thinking about divorce but, nevertheless, someone has to gently steer her into getting finances sorted out because, whatever else is going on, bills still have to be paid and life has to go on.

The immediate practical things that can be done are to make sure that she's claiming all the top-up benefits that are available (and there's a good benefits checker at www.turn2us.org.uk) and that her STBX is still contributing a decent amount. If she's going to struggle to pay bills short-term, it's worth someone putting in a call to utility companies etc and explaining the situation rather than letting things get into arrears.

Hope she's OK.

If she's a part time nurse then salary wise I think she'll be entitled to tax credits. Go to the entitled to website.

I'm sorry but from what you say it sounds like a classic ow scenario. Detached, blaming her for being a 'nag', time away from home, 'depressed' (you'll
Prob find the depression comes from guilt, stress).

Try to support your friend to be practical. She can do it, financially and emotionally she'll be ok. He'll her to dig deep and find her strength.

How fortunate is she to have such a lovely friend such as you OP I second what everyone else has said

Thanks all.

Cog - we've always suspected an affair but he's always denied it. She got so fed up with his twoing and froing she asked him to leave a few months ago but he wrote a long letter about how he was feeling really anxious at home and wanted to sort it out, so it never happened. She saw the letter as evidence he couldn't be having an affair but I agree with you, I think that must be it, what else would explain his total reluctance to do anything to sort things out. Should I tell her that's what it's got to be? It might help her to move on?

She's so lovely and doesn't know what she's going to do about working her shifts and childcare. There's no crèche at the hospital and she works a lot of nights.

I don't know if realising there's someone else helps or not really. For some it draws a line under why they left but for others it adds a whole new dimension of pain at not having lost a two-woman man-keeping contest. She suspects, she's accused and he's denied.... there it will have to stay until the dust settles and suddenly he appears touting a shiny new girlfriend.

Sounds like she'll have to talk to her employer about the situation quite urgently. If people know what's going on they at least have the opportunity to be compassionate. I'm sure they'd rather be flexible and keep a good employee.

I just need to vent here rather than sending the b*stard a text. He's started to let my friend down on when he's supposed to be seeing the DCs. He was supposed to be taking them out for a day out today and didn't show, no message, nothing, even after chasing. He's also let my friend down when she's supposed to be working. Luckily her mum helped but her mum works so can't do this all the time. He's such a prize arse but is still blaming her. I'm so cross, I'm dying to message him but have promised I won't so am venting here.

All you can do for your friend is bolster her confidence and remind her that she's done nothing whatsoever wrong. Encourage her to drop contact if he's exploiting communication to keep sticking the boot in. If he's letting the DCs down and trying to back out of family life when it's inconvenient she'll probably have to get a contact schedule formally agreed at some stage. Has she had legal advice or is she in too much of a mess just yet?

Glad you've resisted the temptation to wade in yourself.

Too much of a mess Cog, it's just so sad. Her poor DCs are suffering and they're so little

He's being a prize twunt, I can't believe it! He always seemed so into the kids but now it seems they're too much of an inconvenience for him.

She's seeing a counsellor in a few days and I'm hoping that might be a positive step. She's not sleeping and barely functioning at the moment. She's such a nice person, she really doesn't deserve this.

Are you able to spend any time with her? Even if all you can do is make cups of tea or look after the DCs while she has a nap, it could help

Unfortunately I'm 300 miles away with two small children of my own. Am helping as much as I can on the phone. I just wish I could do more. Her husband is a prize idiot, he stopped wearing his wedding ring within a day of leaving her, it was too big apparently

Has she found any evidence of an ow yet?

So if she is a nurse she should be a union member. She can talk to them about sorting her shifts to fit around whatever childcare she does have.

If she works 16hours or more she will get tax credits.

The twunt will have to pay her 20% of his take home pay assuming both DC are his?

I do understand what you are saying that she is too fragile to seek legal advice yet, but it actually will help emotionally as it enables you to feel you have taken back a little bit of control, so encourage her to get help as soon as she can.

To be honest I don't see the point of digging around for evidence of OW as the marriage is clearly over. She would be better off rebuilding her own life rather than getting bogged down in his.

You sound like a lovely friend by the way.

Hampton that's really helpful thank you. One of her biggest concerns is arranging shifts around the children, she needs to work but currently does a lot of night shifts so doesn't know how to manage that now that she doesn't have any overnight childcare. Will get her to look into speaking to her union.

She went to the GP today and got some antidepressants apparently. Hoping that might help her to sleep.

I think the legal advice makes it all seem too final, will encourage her to do it though.

Is it really only 20% of his income? He earns loads more than her, does she not get any other maintenance?

Thanks for your suggestions all.

Sorry, should have said 20% is the minimum. She may be able to claim more than that depending on all the circumstances, plus spousal maintenance for herself.

Solicitor will be able to advise probably outcomes in her local court ( they do vary actually)

For example in my local courts, the judges tend to avoid pension sharing orders when there is property, and would rather give the poorer party a higher % of the equity on sale. Where my cousin lives the courts always do a pension sharing order regardless.

This is why it is so important that your friend gets local advice from a family lawyer used to usual outcomes in her courts.

Has DH left his paperwork at home? Can she get hold of all pension info, savings/shares/isas etc etc? She will need all this and it will make it much harder for DH to squirrel stuff away if she has the documentation, or copies.