feeling sorry for STBEXH?

[sweepstaked]

I split from exH 6 months ago. We have one ds, aged 3.4. We were together for 10 year and he was verbally and mentally abusive. I was lazy because I was a sahm, I was a slag if I gave a male friend a hug, lots of other stuff along those lines. I only plucked up the courage to leave after confessing to my DM and moved in with her briefly.

I am happier than I have ever been. I have a little house, a part time job, financial independence, and I feel free for the first time in my life. I am enjoying spending time with ds without worrying about what exH will say to me next.

Recently I saw a friend of his who congratulated me on finally leaving him (said friend had seen exH speak down to me quite a few times). He said a lot of ExH's other friends agreed that he was horrible to me and are no longer speaking to him.

ExH has ds on weekends and pays maintenance. Whenever I collect ds ExH always seems miserable. He has very little family (his DM died young, never met his father, his only sibling lives miles away). He has very few friends now as well. I am surrounded by very close family, I have my son's smiling face to wake up to in the morning. I am enjoying work and socialising with friends and have so much more confidence. I actually feel sorry for exH.

I would never go back to him or anything of the sort. I know he has made his own bed and now must lie in it. I guess what I'm asking is, is it normal for me to feel.sorry for him? After all he has done? I am very sensitive to others' feelings and I feel like I should hate him after 10 years of bullying. I just don't.

You are living well.

You are not a messed up individual.

You have found happiness.

Your instinct to be kind and human is still there and that's why you feel sorry for your ex h.

But he too could be happy if he chose. He's choosing not to sort himself out. That's up to him.

So don't feel too sorry for him.

And very well done on making your life so great.

Hi OP. I'm in the same situation.
Ex is so depressed and tells me about how he can't work, eat or sleep. I feel guilty for my own happiness.
He was EA and I planned for a long time to leave him. In the 6 months since I left ive never been so happy yet so guilty.

No advice to share really. Its a shit feeling though isn't it?.

Yes. Abusive people find codependent partners much of the time, and make the partner feel responsible for their emotional well being. It's to be expected that you pity him, it will wear off!

If someone is emotionally abusive, it's normal for them to try continuing the manipulation. So by deliberately appearing miserable whenever you see him, that's what he's doing. Head-fuckery. :) I will bet you a week's wages that the minute you are out of his sight he's back to his old self... Hatred is far too much like hard work but I can thoroughly recommend you have a crack at 'contempt'.

We all have choices. Your ex chose to behave in a way that made it impossible for you to live with him. His choice. Don't feel sorry.

I think it would be interesting to observe this man (and other people like him) when they think nobody is watching

Thing is, he's the author of his own misfortune. He had it all and blew it because he just couldn't behave nicely. Pity them by all means, if you are fairly sure they can't help it, but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to drag others down with them. I sometimes feel a little bit sorry for XH because I don't think he could entirely help his behaviour, but that didn't give him the right to drag us down with him. That sort of man won't be happy whoever he's with. It's not about the partner, it's what's going on inside him. You can't help; let it go.

Er, horrible bit of repetition in the third and fourth sentences there, excuse me.

OP, I am convinced you gave him every chance to be a better person (and probably many more than was sensible). He didn't take them. His fault, not your problem.

He's still trying to push your buttons. Bullying and reducing your self-esteem hasn't worked, so now it's a bit of the old boo-hoo. Don't let him. He's flying solo now, he'll have to take charge of his own life.

its an act ignore it.

stbxh has started this recently as well. Ignore. He made his choices.

Yes I have this. I feel guilty that I have been living in 'our' house, although it's for sale. I feel guilt that he doesn't want any of our joint assets like furniture for his new house because it brings back sad memories. I feel guilt that he is struggling financially and his parents don't help him, that he's lost all his friends... List goes on.

It's weird isn't it. I'm in this position because of his actions.

It's a sign we are human

Cog "Hatred is far too much like hard work but I can thoroughly recommend you have a crack at 'contempt' "