How does online dating actually work? Surely there are some guys out there that are not complete f-wits?!

[Belle12]

So, I finally plucked up courage to move on and create a profile on a match.com, got chatting to three guys, two of which were asking me to add them and talk to them on Skype after just saying Hello and the other guy I chatted to for a bit kept making sexual references and did seem to like that

Sent before I was ready....

Basically the guy I chatted to for longest had no profile pic, kept making sexual references that he probably thought were just banter but when I said I wasn't wanting to rush in to anything (have made that mistake before) he basically told me my "defensiveness was too much" and had scared him off and to bear it in mind as it might help my quest in the future!

Is it me? How is this supposed to work?

I kind of think he was a twat but it's put me off online dating.

I met my dp on match.com but I did meet a few frogs before I found him. There are always going to be the twats that are after one thing and if they are not putting up a profile picture and or making sexual references then steer well clear!

Best way to start actually meeting someone you're interested in is arrange a lunch time coffee date. That way you have a good excuse to extract yourself without been rude. If all they do on that first meeting is look at your boobs they you can judge that they are not relationship material.

I had some corkers of first dates including one who had no teeth and dribbled slightly... It did not lead to a second date!

You have to approach OLD in a very cynical way in my experience. You have:

scammers - some easier to identify than others (see info on catfish, love rats etc)
wank fodderers - those too cheap to pay for sex so try to "persuade" people to do intimate stuff via Skype or talk "dirty" in messages
Liars 1 - married or those in relationships
Liars 2 - older, fatter, less intelligent than advertised

Decent guys 1 - no compatability
Decent guys 2 - worth having a coffee with.

If they wont meet quickly for a coffee they are wank fodderers or Liars.

Keep your common sense head on and trust your gut! Good luck.

to make it easier try my rough rules

1. Do not chat to anyone without a picture.
2. Make it explicit that you are not interested in any form of 'web fun'
3. Speak to them on the phone sharpish and always get their home phone number. No exceptions (this is THE most effective way of weeding out married people.)

4.No more than one week chatting before some prospect of a meeting, otherwise they tend just to be bored time wasters.

Not infallible but it has made OLD easier for me.

It does work OP, you just might meet a few weirdos along the way.

My tips would be -

1. put your own profile together carefully, write only what is needed and be honest about what you are looking for. I wanted a kind, funny man to take me out for dinner so that's what I wrote.
2. nobody really cares about your dreams or aspirations, not at this stage anyway. Leave out any philosophical bollocks or theories on humanity, just keep it simple. You can wow them with your intelligence when you meet them face to face.
3. Use pictures that actually look like you, not those ones where you look phenomenal but also like a totally different person.
4. steer clear of the men who go into too much detail about physical attributes they are looking for in a woman. Especially those who specify a weight limit! If you do end up with these men you will eventually get home from work one day to find them with an 18yr old Thai girl in the bedroom.
5. ignore all emails from Tunisia, Egypt, UAE, or war torn countries. These can be quite entertaining to read but very difficult to get rid of.
6. don't email for too long - if you like the sound of him, speak on the phone and arrange a meet up. There are loads of attached men on these sites who just email women while their wives are in bed, so it would seem.
7. anyone who sounds too cheeky/cocky/a bit too forward, even if they are funny and you think it's an endearing quirk of their personality, don't bother with these ones. They are the sorts who tell their mates despicable stories of what they do to women in the bedroom. Unfortunately, a couple of my mates are like this and I always feel sorry for their gfs.
8. get out there and really give it a go - don't bother hanging around or waiting ages in between dates, just meet as many normal-sounding men as possible. It's a numbers game.

I joined match.com on sunday! Have had a few emails but not from guys I'm interested in. One is obviously looking for a milf! Another wrote a very flattering email but it was all based on what I look like so I doubt he's read my profile... he's too far away from me anyway.

Do you reply to everyone who emails you?

And what are winks all about? Why not just send an email?

I only ever replied to men I found interesting and whose emails to me indicated that they had actually read my profile. Don't feel you have to engage with them just because they've spent 20 seconds a few mins knocking out a generic 'hey babe' three-liner.

I never, ever spoke to anyone on Skype. Ever. The whole joy of OLD is that you do it in your pyjamas with unwashed hair.

Any sexual references, bin and block. Pathetic wankers. (If you want to cybershag/sext/wank there are plenty of other places on the internets)

Never bother with men who don't have pictures.

Be honest in your profile. I think part of the reason my OLD experience was always pretty much ok was because my profile wasn't at all the generic 'I'm bubbly with a GSOH, I love going out and staying in, long country walks and cosy nights in'. You see a lot of that - be individual!

Apart from that, just hang on in there. Not everyone online is a knob. I met my lovely dp on Guardian Soulmates and before that had plenty of perfectly decent dates with men who were quite normal, honest!

Just remember, you do not owe these guys a conversation.

What they all said (I wish I'd read this when I was OLD!) I had to work it out myself and I could've saved myself some time

And yes, there are nice men out there.

Good luck!

Maybe I'm too fussy but the guys I like always want kids whereas I so don't (3 is enough for me lol).

There have been 2 guys so far that I felt were a brilliant match for me from their profile... absolutely gutted when I read that they didn't have kids and wanted them!

Still emailed anyway!

I didn't like Match at all. Go on Tinder. At least you can get rid of anyone you don't like the look of and you're not saying no to people because they don't match your exact criteria of what you are looking for (or you theirs). It's a bit more organic and much more fun than match.

SASSY -
No, don't bother replying to everyone, only the ones who say something funny or something that resonates with you.
Winking is a bit of a lazy way to say "Hello young lady, gosh you're picture is rather nice and I wouldn't mind finding out whether you'd ever consider sleeping with me!"

Then, if you view their profile and don't get in touch, the man knows that you don't like the look of him.

It's all a bit of a ridiculous game but better than drinking wine on your own and watching The Notebook 13 times (I know, I am pathetic). Plus, if nothing else, you'll get fed. (By the way, don't see a man again if they don't pay for dinner/coffee/whatever -they don't fancy you and are just killing time).

DO give it a proper good go, I have a really nice one now, after many, many embarassingly awful encounters, and I would never have met him if it weren't for OLD.
x

I met my dh online dating. I had some simple rules: mustn't live with their mum, must not mention cuddles in their profile and their picture must not have been taken with a webcam (I decided they didn't have any friends if they didn't have another means of getting a photo).
I set my self a target of approaching 10 guys a week. (I had to keep a spreadsheet). One chap asked me if I'd like children on our first date.
My husband got me confused with someone else he was seeing from the site onour first date and asked me about living in manchester (I have the most home counties accent you can imagine).

it works, but you ahve to play the game!!

kxx

It definitely works OP, hang in there! I met DH on DatingDirect over 5 years ago, so can recommend that if it's still around (our relationship might be volatile but that has nothing to do with the way we met!). Other friends have married partners from eHarmony (very serious, indepth matching service) and Lovestruck London, I expect to be going to a Tinder wedding before the year is out and the oldest "eBaby" I know is 8 now! My suggestion would be only use services that require payment - this definitely sorts some of the chaff - and as previous posters have said meet sooner rather than later, coffee or a quick drink is fine but don't plan a meal as you can be stuck for over an hour with a horror! And never let them pay unless you plan to see them again - some nutters see paying for even one drink as some kind of right-to-buy!!!

KatyN - that is too funny about your hubby btw! OP you definitely have to run the numbers, I have no idea how many guys I met over the course of several years, but it would definitely have been up towards 100 if not more. Disheartening at times, but I became very efficient - once I didn't even go into the coffee show with the guy, he clearly lied about his height and age, so I felt I didn't owe him any courtesy whatsoever, merely shook his hand on the street and kept walking! On the flip side, when I did meet DH, a drink became lunch, which became drinks, then dinner and follow-up drinks so our first date lasted around 10 hours. You will know when you get a good'un. :)

You need to stick at it because on line dating works. However I think you aught to try everyone because men are rather like dresses. Some of them don't look much on the hanger but look great on. Their photos may also be minging, but in the flesh with a great sense of humour they could be become great. Obviously if they have attributes you hate, such as smoking then you aught to give them a miss. I went to three weddings recently brought about on line and the brides and grooms were beautiful looking, with good jobs in their thirties and never been married. Stick At It!

I disagree. You don't have to try everyone. You really don't. Being choosy is good.

Women are constantly told they need to 'give him a chance'. It's bullshit.

If you don't like what he's saying or doing, you don't have to go there. If you don't fancy him, you don't have to go there. Even if there's just something about him that's not floating your boat and you can't quite put into words what it is, you still don't have to go there.

I think "toyoung" meant don't be put off by a crap photo or think "he doesn't look my type" because in the flesh he might be great.

You should be put off by a carp photo though

I don't think she meant go out with anyone even if they are dodgy or do something that makes you

Alikat, perhaps you are right about showing caution when it comes to paying, I'm just tight and greedy.

I shall ammend my advice - don't let them pay if they are an absolute troll or you suspect they may have stalking tendencies. But otherwise, it's nice to be treated. And they'll end up doing it forevermore if you get married to them, might as well start as you mean to go on.

always really? I can assure you that none of my DP has ever bought me dinner "forevermore" I pay my way!

I met my DP online OP, 3 1/2 years later and we're engaged and our 1st baby is due in 11 weeks :)
There were some complete fruit loops out there, if you think the person you're speaking too is a bit weird, they probably are, you can usually tell the crazies from the normals I think....
Good luck!

Ok, fair enough, perhaps I read it wrong.

I still stand by my advice though

Congrats LJHH

I met my DP on Plenty of Fish quite quickly- he was only my second free catch! He had spent two years meeting loons and needy people and was getting battle weary. It is partly luck and partly creative writing to get across a flavour of who you are to someone like-minded. I spotted DP riding round on an ice cream vending bike and thought he looked fun. We have just bought a house and are getting married next year

But OP don't waste any time on the losers out of politeness. Just block and move on!

I also met my DP on POF. 13 months and 5 days later we are very happy together.

I didn't meet fruitloops tbh. I did meet a lot of dull people (I know that makes me sound like a bitch ) and 3 nice ones. Two I dated for a coupe of months and then bingo! I won the jackpot with DP