I think my husband has ASPERGER'S SYNDROME

[prettyeyes70]

I need help to so our marriage can survive. I love him. I need tools on how to communicate my needs to him.

Would it be better to pop this in special needs?

There are a lot of books on this. Just Google.

Why do you think he has Asperger's? Are you a doctor? Has he been diagnosed? Can you give some examples of where communication falls flat?

That's sensitive, Andy .

OP, do tell us what the issues are and then we can have a think about solutions.

I have Aspergers and I was offended by her upper case letters and by her implication that Aspergers is the problem. It isn't. Her lack of knowledge is the problem and the standard way to deal with that is to 'read a book on it'. Or to Google. Problem solved.

Make sure to give this to every thread starter Andy as there's a book on every subject on earth. Nowt like real life experience rather than book learning though

Oh, and if I double tap for caps by accident and then type without realising, I don't always delete and start again.

Reading about it is one way to tackle the issue, speaking to others who may have similar experiences is another. Your response is harsh and unhelpful Andy.

OP can you tell us more about why you suspect aspergers.

Andy she is asking for support and tools to help her marriage. Do you want her to access these, or would you rather mock her request?

Which is easily available online. Google is quicker than posting. Books are available from Amazon and other retailers. Its not rocket science.

I can see why the post would seem offensive to anyone with the condition being described.
I'd assume if your dh had an undiagnosed condition you'd want help on how he can communicate with you , not just the other way around.

Ignore andy, they are being just as 'pleasant' on other threads.

Sorry, could, not would.

OP might be better to see a professional, Relate maybe? I take it your partner does not have a diagnosis and since I can't guess whether he is interested in pursuing one, you might be better off dealing with how you communicate needs to each other for now.

Andy there are more ways of gaining knowledge than reading books, I think the OP would like emotional support and advice not just factual information

But if Andy has Aspergers, they may not be thinking about the emotional support needed. Just as the DH isn't.

Maybe bigTilly but will stop derailing the thread now so we can focus on OP not Andy

Ignoring brewing bun fight

Hi Pretty. I've often wondered the same about my dh too. The reasons are his apparent inability to pick up on social cues (e.g. dh will totally fail to notice somene making excuses to leave), inappropriate interruptions (e.g. randomly cutting across other speakers with unrelated comments) , happy to talk only about a very narrow specific subject that most people have no interest in and not seeming to be bothered if the listener is actually interested or just making polite noises, very tactless (e.g. making jokes to my 84 year old dad about somebody else also in their 80's being 'not worth bothering with because they're about to die anyway' could've happily throttled him for that one. I could go on.

It sounds crap, but I actually get on with him very well when we are alone together. I just find being with him in company very difficult. I have tried to learn to explain my needs very clearly and he does try to meet them. e.g. I like chatting about how his day was and how my day was. He doesn't. He wants to chat about sci-fi. We compromise and do both.

Sorry, I know this is all about me not you. I think I just wanted to show I understand and that there can be ways through.

Er, Andy has stated that she has Aspergers so that will influence the style of her response. People with Aspergers (eg. DH) can be quite blunt and focused on facts. Why are people giving her a hard time?

Having aspergers doesn't mean you can't have it pointed out to you that your response is too blunt or offensive or to point out that it is in fact perfectly reasonable for the OP to seek advice on an internet forum.

My dad has aspergers, my brother has aspergers and my son has autism I'm familiar with "blunt" conversation it doesn't offend me personally but I know that if my son wants to navigate the world successfully and have positive interactions with others then I need to tell him when his responses or bluntness are not appropriate or possibly upsetting to others.

What, you don't like my responses? I find that hard to believe. I haven't been in any way personally offensive, merely helpful in pointing out the most effective way of dealing with the matter.

I'm a female Aspie, with considerable empathy, by the way, but quite far along the spectrum in other ways. I have a good reputation for providing emotional support! Just not on here today...

My dad has Aspergers. My brother, my daughter, my son in law all have Aspergers. My son in law's late father had, also. We Asp, big time. And we can all tell the difference between being 'practical and informative' and being rude. That part was 'practical and informative'.

Shame some of you can't. That was rude.

Sorry. It was an illustration...

prettyeyes70 I hope you come back with more specifics about what it is you'd like to talk about/what specific issues you're having.

My new partner strongly suspects he has AS and certainly displays a lot of traits of it, but doesn't at the moment want to push for an adult diagnosis. For me to effectively communicate my emotional needs to him, I tend to have to be fairly straightforward and simplistic in my requests, he just won't get subtle hints, he does not read between lines so I do need to spell things out to him, and he is definitely not a mind reader. Not in a rude or condescending way, just straightforwardly. We're still in the early stages of our relationship, and I nearly broke things off with him before he 'came out' and since then things have gone much more smoothly as I now understand that some emotional/social things are just very very hard for him to do/see. But with effort from both sides, we are making things work, so far.

I haven't been in any way personally offensive, merely helpful in pointing out the most effective way of dealing with the matter.

Andy, you gave an instruction telling to OP what to do. That is not empathic or particularly helpful. It may well be the most effective solution for you, but it isn't for everyone.
I don't think your response was offensive though, just very black and white, which makes complete sense as you are on the spectrum.

OP, you say you think your DH has Aspergers. He isn't diagnosed I take it? Does he think he has it? Does he realise that you struggle to communicate to each other? It will be a lot easier for you to improve communication if you both recognise it to be a problem so you can work together on finding solutions.

Hi
Havnt used this site before but I’ve just been reading about living with a partner who has Asperger syndrome. I’m positive my husband has it and I am near to breaking point. Would really like to hear from others experiencing difficulties with a husband who has it?

There is a thread on here especially for this --

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

My current b/f has Aspergers and it really shows thro his communication. As my son has it, I'm a little more understanding than a 'newbie' to it. I agree with Andy, read up on the condition so you can understand it better and remember that everyone is an individual and you may have to try many ways of communicating to find something that works with you two.