Can't get my head round it all

[Chilimama]

I know there are a lot of posts on here about peoples relationships with their mothers. I didn't want to hijack someone elses thread but I really need to write this down.

Atm I am very depressed, for days I have not left the house or spoken to anyone other than dh and the kids. Until now I could not even face posting this but now I have managed it and I hope it will help me.

Apologies as it is very long, If you don't want to post I understand as it is probably gabbled and goes on forever. I just need to get it out of my system once and for all.

Mum has always been abusive or witnessed abuse and did nothing to protect myself and my brother. I never knew my father partly because my mum wouldn't give him access to me. She always told me he was evil and tried to kill her while she was carrying me. I do not know if this is the truth as she is an accomplished liar and once said that he wasn't as bad as she had previously made out, also my grandparents told me he was a very supportive partner to mum but they just didn't get on.

Up to the age of 4 she was what I would consider a "normal" loving mother. I vividly remember one day when I was 4 or 5 and she told me that she had met another man (who would later become my stepfather) and would be telling daddy (My younger brother's dad) he had to leave. I remember feeling confused and terribly guilty as she made me promise to keep it a secret from the man I called daddy. I had already been abandoned in my eyes by my real father and now my dad was going to leave.

My brother's dad left and my step-father moved in. At first he just disregarded us but eventually he became a tyrant who would control everything we did. He once forced us to drink sour milk and if we left food he would present it to us at every meal time until we ate it all. He was very violent to me and my brother, He used to carry my brother up the stairs by his ears and would slap me around the face and kick me in the stomach. My mum was well aware what was happening but said "at least he doesn't hit me like you dad's did" when me and my brother would pleaded with her to kick him out after one particular savage beating.

The mental abuse was worse, Mum and my stepdad were forever telling me how useless/fat/lazy/stupid I was and they would play me and my brother (and later my younger brother and sister) against each other, Someone would be the favourite and the other would be ignored and then the roles would be reversed. I can clearly remember when I was about 8 I was in a dance show and they laughed the whole time I was on stage, When we got home they told me I was the worst dancer there and the other girls were so much better.

Occasionally I would see my "old" mum and she would hug me and tell me that she loved me. In a way it made things worse as I was always trying to gain her love and approval but I never got anywhere.

When I was 15 I got a boyfriend and from then on the abuse stopped. A year later mum had another affair this time with my brothers step uncle (His real dad's girlfriend's brother) and kicked my stepdad out. Although we were relieved my brother and I cried for days, He had lived with us for 11 years and although he was an awful man we had loved him. My mum was so angry and swore at us that we had hated him so much so why were we so upset. It was then that she comforted my brother and I saw that she treated us differently. While I was expected to pull myself together - A role which I was used to being the eldest. My brother was comforted and I was shut out.

Things then got worse a couple of years later my brother confided in me and then mum that her boyfriend (his step uncle) had abused him when he was younger. By then they had split up and mum went crazy she kicked me out of the house (I was 18) and the rest of the family found out. I moved in with my nan and grandad who were the only stable influence in my life and looking back the only reason I never did anything drastic like taking my own life although I often considered it.

I didn't speak to mum for about a year after that, Tbh it did me good not to have any contact with her but when I was 19 I found out I was pregnant and felt like I should talk to her so I approached her in her local pub and told her. At first she was a bit unresponsive but then she opened up and I thought we were getting on just fine.

About a month later she told me that my bf had tried it on with her and she had slept with him just before I got pregnant. This upset me a lot and I lost my job as I was so hysterical I would not leave the house (probably a mix of upset and pregnancy hormones). My bf denied it but mum was adamant and somehow I carried on a relationship with her even though she said she blamed me for my brother's abuse as I apparently knew it was going on and never told her, even though he didn't tell me until after it had happened, right before he told mum.

Since I had my son 6 years ago our relationship is basically unchanged, My sons father turned out to be abusive. According to my mum I sought out an abusive relationship and deserved it as in her words I treated my previous bf "like s**t on my shoes". When he broke my arm, Mum refused to have my ds then 1 because she was too busy. So I had to go to A&E at 2am with my baby son.

I have since married a wonderful man and have had 2 beautiful dd's. Myself and my ds have what I consider a "normal" family life now along with dh and our two gorgeous girls we have a very happy life - apart from my depression which is affecting us all.

Mum has only seen dd1 who is 20 months 5 times and dd2 who is 5 months twice. She acts the loving grnadmother when she sees them but never rings or vists. Yet she visits my brother and his gf (possibly because she feels guilty for the abuse that happened to him) and they have a normal mother & son relatinship as do my two other siblings.

I have had 2 miscarriages in the last year but she just said "never mind" when I told her. After having dd2 my sister decided to send me some really upsetting txt messages and ring our house all hours of the night because she was jealous of us having a new baby which was really upsetting, Dh rang my mum and asked her to talk to my 17 year old sister to stop the messages but my mum said "now you know what I put up with everyday"

I feel like the only time she was ever interested in me was when I would look after my younger brother and sister which would sometimes be for weeks on end. As soon as I had dd1 we stopped having them as it was too much to cope with and she stopped contacting me.

I have tried so hard to get her to love me, I took her to London last year for her birthday to see REM (her favoruite band) but she was distant and didn't even say thanks, she just borrowed maney off me for fags and beer. In June we went to visit mum as she had not seen our baby daughter. I made up with my sister and we took mum, my sister and youngest brother out to dinner. We had a lovely evening (at our expense) but like dh said they just Take, Take, Take. As soon as you have nothing left to give them they don't want to know you anymore. He was right I haven't heard from any of them since except when I saw them at a family party a month later but since then nothing.

Reading this back I can see it is pointless trying to have a relationship with her as she is just not interested in me or my children. The only time she ever says she loves me is if she is drunk when I ring her (probably twice a year) and I know she just says it cos she thinks that what she should say. I think she does have a drinking problem and issues with men as she does sleep around a lot. This has only been in the last 4 years or so and I have tried to speak to her about it but she is not interested and says she just loves drink and sex, even trying it on with dh in front of me once - He was horrified as was I.

The only family I am in contact with is my beloved nan and my auntie - Mum's mum and sister. Neither of whom she has a relationship with. My nan always asks if mum ever said why she hates her so much, All she ever does is borrow money from nan and she doesn't talk to her sister as she is jealous of her (even though my auntie has had a very hard life due to fertility problems).

My grandad passed away in 2001 and was my only male role model and the only man who ever loved and protected me - other than my dh. When he was dying mum acted as if she was the only person upset, No-one was allowed to be upset only her. My nan, autie and me nursed him at home. Mum never helped as she said it would be too upsetting for her. Never mind my poor nan who was about to lose her husband of 38 years. When we went to see his body in the chapel of rest she cuddled her bf even though I was in floods of tears, It was my auntie who held me as we cried for him.

If I didn't have dh and the kids I don't know what I would do. I have severe pnd and thinking about mum just makes me feel worse.

Funnily enough I have since forgiven my abusive stepdad and we have talked through the past many many times, I can honestly say I love him even though he was an awful abusive man I now care for him and have a quite good relationship with him.

I just can't forgive my mum for what she has done though, Why is she so hateful to my nan. Mum always said she had a great childhood she loved my grandad very much but was always jealous of her sister and my nans relationship as they are very close to each other and to me.

I can't understand why she doesn't care for me or love me. What did I do?

Sometimes I don't think about it at all, but lately it has been playing on my mind. My MIL is like a second mother as is my lovely nan but it is not the same. I am so determined to have a normal relationship with my kids but so scared I will end up like my mum. Dh says not to worry that I am a good mum but I am just terrifed I will end up being like her.

I feel better for getting it out of my system but also scared of the future and sad about the past. I just hope I can work things out for myself and be a good mother to my children.

But I just can't help worrying about it and wondering why it all went so wrong with my own mother

chilimama I have just read your post and am near to tears. I can't begin to imagine what it must of been like to be brought up like this and have total admiration for you for trying to make the realtionship between you and your mum ok.

You sound like a wonderfully forgiving person but there is only so much we can give whilst being let down all the time.

Have you ever had any counselling for the past it may just help you to move on from where you are.

Tbh I don't think you have anything to worry about on the front of being a good mum you sound wonderful.

It also sounds like you have some wonderfully stable influences in your life like your nan and mum in law, I think I would concentrage on those relationships and just keep contact with mum to the minimum. By trying to feel accepted by her you are just draining yourself of energy which is probably making you feel depresed. You have just had a new baby and that takes all our energy physically and emotionally and I think brings things from past and we can't understand how anybody can reject something that we love so much.

Any way thats enough of my rambling, just wanted to after that long probably unhelpful rambling that you will always find someone on this board to listen and advise.

Take care honey and loads of virtual hugs xxxx

i really dont know what to say except i think you are an incredibly strong and brave woman for pulling through this.
You need to focus on your family now, your kids need you and im sure you are a wonderful mother. Maybe you could try and get some councelling to help you to move on.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

I have read your post and felt incredibly sad and angry for you. I don't have experience of this sort of abuse but I'm sure someone here will have wise words which may help you. It's difficult to comment on someone else's life and family but if I was to say one thing it would be hold your family close (ie your DH and kids, nan and auntie) and let the rest go their own sweet way. Don't be around people that make you unhappy, you are grown now, they don't have to affect your happiness. You sound strong, hang on to that and move forward with your new life and try to put the past in a box and shut the lid.

HTH. Kbear x

hya
You sound like a really brave woman. Who despite all the terrible things thrown at you has managed to create a happy and secure environment for both you and your children.

Your mother seems to have a problem with women..maybe she is threatened by them in some way, and in some sick way this includes her children and other members of her family. You have to come to terms with the fact that she is sick, perhaps learn how to forgive her for how she has behaved, but in all of this, forgiving does not mean you have to accept her the way she behaves and collude with her in making her behaviour acceptable.

A therapist will help you realise that none of this is your fault. It isn't your fault.

You sound such a sensitive and wonderful woman..good luck xx

Chilimama - ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
You sound like an amazing woman to have been through all this in your life.
You have made a great step forward now that you have written it down and posted it on mumsnet, the next stage is to arrange some counselling and to talk it through with a trained person on a 1:1.
Your mother really dosen't deserve you and from what you've written i think deep down you already know that. It's not going to be easy, but you need to cut her out of your life and move on with your wonderful Dh and your children.
Stay strong .

I read your op with tears in my eyes.

It's horrible isn't it? Feeling like the one person who should cherish you doesn't! I know, I'm in the same boat. My mum never wanted me, said dad raped her to get her pregnant, (he didn't) she told her 3rd husband (in front of me) that she tried to abort me twice & that I was living proof that DIY abortions (hot baths, gin etc) didn't work. (and yes, she meant it, she threw herself down the stairs in front of my dad at one point whilest carrying me)

She told me not to move in with my then boyfriend (now dh of 13 years) as he only wanted my money, when in fact she would be losing 250 pounds a week which I paid her in "rent".

She beat me up (ok, not badly, just thumping my shoulders, back & chest) a week before I moved out as we got into an arguement whilest I was trying to defend dh family against "things" she said she had been told about them (she never could tell me what she heard, but then, that's cos it was a lie!) NEVER ever once she did tell me she loved me. Finally, when I moved out of "her" house I cancelled a life insurance poilcy, but the cheque was sent to her house, as I hadn't changed the address & she sent the cheque back and asked them to make it payable to her (500+ pounds) which they did. Then she keep it, spent it on her dh. The only explaination I got was "I took it as compensation for having you & raising you"

She told her whole family that DH beats me up & I lost contact with alot of my family because of her.

She raised 4 chldren, only 1 speaks to her now, so it's not just me. She wreaks everybodies lives and is currently involved with a married man (she say's his wife gets what she deseverves!!!). I haven't spoken to her for 14 years and I can honestly say that my life is better without her in it. She is selfish beyond reason. There is so much I could go into, but I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not you, I hope you know that. I don't know where it went wrong, I wish I did. I used to look at dd when she was tiny & think "how could my mum look at me, hold me, etc and not feel any love for me" but you know, it just happens & now we have to try & deal with it. I'm sorry, I know that sound harsh, but it's reality. I cannot let her back into my life as I would be waiting for the next let down, which would happen. I am just not strong enough to deal with any more rejection. I did write & say that she should feel free to contact me when dd was born, incase she wanted to meet her, but she didn't and that rejection took months to shake off. Never again!

"I am just terrifed I will end up being like her" You won't. I can guarentee it. You know not to make the same mistakes!

You sound like an incredibly strong woman. Your mother, sadly, does not. Do you have any insight into your mothers relationship with her mother? her father? was she brought up by anyone else who could have damaged her? Could there have been an event in her life which traumatised her from an early age? An issue she did not resolve?

i feel that understanding is the key to forgiveness. if you could get some understanding of your mums background (and it is hard to get that if she cannot face her own pain- lots of reading between the lines and trusting ones own instinct in that case) you would gain some clarity.

The fact that you are asking these questions and being so honest about your childhood leads me to believe that you will not repeat the same pattern that you were subjected to. Keep being strong, do what makes you happy, dont do anything out of duty. x

Thanks all of you for your messages.

Mum was very close to her father, They were very alike in many ways (Thought the same way, Liked the same books and films etc...) My mum has always got on better with men than women.

Her relationship with my nan is the complete opposite. My auntie is older than mum by 7 years and does not know her father. I think by piecing together a lot of things my nan has said about my aunties father that she may have been the result of a rape. My nan married someone soon after my auntie was born so she would have a father but the marriage ended not long after as he was abuse mentally. A few years down the line she met my grandad and they married and had my mum.

My nan does not like physical contact very much, she visibily cringes if you kiss her cheek or hug her, I think this is down to her experiences as a young woman. Mum says that she never gave her kisses or hugs as a child which I am sure affected her. Other than that my nan is a very loving person who is never too busy to talk through problems and offer advice she is just not physically loving, which is very sad.

My mum does have a jealousy problem with her sister. My nan always tried to make up for the fact my auntie did not know her dad as she felt incredible guilt and she did the same thing for me as I did not know my father. Mum always said it was unfair. Which in her eyes was probably true but as she had her father she does not know what it is like not to know your father.

My auntie and I talked last year about my mum. My auntie said that she was sad they did not have a sister realtionship but that she was upset mum has not done more with her life.

Mum had me at 17, my brother at 20 and then my brother and sister in her late 20's. She has never worked and lived on benefits all of her adult life. My nan and grandad bought us a house when I was 4 which is now wrecked. She has had everything done for her including the rasing of my brothers and sister most of which was done by me, Which she readily admits.

My auntie is a nurse and worked hard to get where she is (nice house etc). Mum always said how easy my auntie has it but she hasn't. For years she was plagued wth terible fertility problems and had 12 miscarriages and many failed IVF attempts before she had her son. She would have loved more children but couldn't put her body under anymore strain. She said she wishes she could have had more children like my mum did and mum doesn't realise how fortunate she is to have 4 lovely kids.

When mum was 5 her nan (My nan's mum) died, She lived with my nan and grandad as did her husband (My great grandad). My mum was very close to her and nan has told me her personality changed quite a bit. My great-grandad went into a deep state of mourning and less than a year later he died as well which must have been devastating for all of them. My grandad once told me that my nan found it hard to get on with things after which is understandable. I know it affected mum in a big way too.

One other thing that has affected mum is that she was raped when she was 13 . She blames this on my auntie as she would take her to the pub and then leave her to walk home alone. I know this could be why she is the way she is. Having been raped by my ex and someone else I know that it is something which does affect my trust in people. I think for her she has gone the other way and uses men as a way to "block it out".

Reading this back I feel very sad for my mum as her life has held a lot of sadness too. Looking back my nan and auntie have had some terrible tragedy in their life to. It just seems like a never ending cycle of destructive situations.

I am so determined not to let this continue, I know I can't wrap my kids up in cotton wool but at least I am aware of what has happened in the past.

My son is currently waiting to see the child and adolescent mental health team because of the abuse he witnessed when we lived with his father. I can only hope that because we are delaing it and not sweeping it under the carpet which my family usually does. Things will be easier to deal with.

Thanks again to all who posted, I hope what I have written has all made sense.

Well I have spoken to my GP and he has prescribed Citalopram for my PND. He knows that my depression has been triggred by things from my past and has said maybe I could go to counselling to see if it helps.

The last couple of days have been really strange. My husband's father and his wife came to visit us. They live in New Orleans and me and the kids have never met them. We had a lovely few days with them and my husband's grandparents. It felt so nice to be part of a family.

I feel kind of sad now as it was the first time my FIL had met his grandchildren and he has missed so much of them growing up while he has been living thousands of miles away, But he was so in awe of them and played games and cuddled them for hours. While my mum has the chance to spend as much time as she wants with them and doesn't bother