Hello. I am just writing down what i am thinking. Today i had a thought. i am more unhappy than happy. I do not mind the plodding along. I just am fed up with feeling lonley and unhappy. There are a lot of times when i realise that double standards are in place. Where i feel very anxious at his reaction to a certain situation.
I am by no means very sensitive. I have lived with this for many years although i somehow thought that there would be some kind of maturity at some stage. I have just about had it with the way he treats the children and i.
Its' the shouting. The constant miserableness. The children and i seem to be an apendage. I have tried to apply for independant housing but he ripped up the form. He seems permenantly angry. I can cope with most things but there is a feeling of dread i get evry single day. I know i shouldnt feel it, i know other people dont''t feel it, i feel stuck. Tonight we went out for the evening. he came home and started shouting " who the f ate my ice cream?" i had to interfere and tell children to go to bed quickly. They ran. He smashed his bowl on the floor. He passed out on sofa. I know you are already horrified. If i tell you that this is a usual occurance when alchohol is involved you will now be disgusted.
what is more disgusting is that we ignore these monthly episodes of drunken horribleness. What is actually worrying me more is the fact that he seems permantently angry. The temper is something i could put up with but it is something that i grew up with. I grew up with a very violent family, and i dread that feeling. I cant explain it. There is a feeling of dread compounded by guilt and i am sick of feeling it.
Then as if by psycho magic he becomes lovley person, lovely dad, lovely husband. However it was this evening i thought to myslef that i am more unhappy than happy. That i can plod along with orinary, with boring, but i can't plod with angry. i am fed up with feeling like i am non existant. Second best. I don't want to leave. The children would never forgive me. But i have recently become very unhappy. I am just at a loss.
What i would like you to undetstand is that i can cope with mundane, i wouldn't complain at ordinary, boring, mumdane, i am not uhappy beuase i think life should have offered me something more. I am just fed up with being on eggshells.