Blocked it out (Possible Trigger Warning)

[IscreamUscream]

I have been to therapy today and have never spoken about this but today it came flooding out.
When I was 14 just turning 15 I was put into care out of my area. A boy few years older than me liked me and we started to go out. I was bewildered at the time as things had gone wrong at home and I choose to take another way out that didn't work.
He was domineering and I looked at him as taking care of me. He pushed me against the wall in his bedroom and had behind sex with me that I didn't want to do, I cried all the way home.
Few weeks later he did the same thing but I buried it away because I was ashamed but this morning it all came out in my therapy session after all these years. I feel dirty and ashamed still. I apologise for the graphic detail I'm struggling today in what he did to me twenty five years on

He should be ashamed, not you.

You were vulnerable, already hurt and confused, he took advantage, or from your description, he raped you.

You are not dirty. You might feel contaminated because of what he did, but that's not the essential you.

Why not contact Rape Crisis? They will have heard similar things before and might know how to help.

You might want to contact NAPAC who specialise in supporting adult survivors of childhood abuse:

If you are seeking support please call 0800 085 3330

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. You coped with this in the best way you could at the time, by burying it somewhere it couldn't hurt you.

Therapy is so horribly painful sometimes. It can feel terrifying to lift the lid off a box that you have kept tighly shut for a very long time. These feelings are much better out than in, scary and painful as they are.

Do you have any real life support other than your therapist? Friends/partner? Contacting Rape Crisis is a good idea too. Take your time - you may need some time just to process all the feelings that are coming up for you. Keep posting if it helps, there are lots of us here to listen

Hi OP.

I had a very similar thing happen to me. I too had blocked it out. I remembered it, but only hazily, and just put it down to 'one of those things'.

I too have recently started therapy, and the memory came flooding back very strongly, along with overwhelming feelings of shame, disgust etc. it also made me look differently at subsequent relationships I had with men in my teenage years, and I can now see how abusive they were. Its a horrible feeling. I am in my late 30s, married with children, an educated professional and 'together' in other peoples eyes I guess, but I now have to suddenly deal with the reality - that from age 14-20 I was quite badly abused by my 'boyfriends'.

Hand holding and understanding from me. I am finding therapy hard going, but am sticking in there...hope you can find the strength to do the same x

"Therapy is so horribly painful sometimes. It can feel terrifying to lift the lid off a box that you have kept tightly shut for a very long time. These feelings are much better out than in, scary and painful as they are."

^This. Precisely this.^

I've been through a similar process to the one you are now going through about not entirely dissimilar experiences. Now the lid is off the box you WILL be able to examine the contents and understand the feelings you had at the time and for them not to threaten your entire existence. But it does feel like they could but this will pass the more you look at them.

I'm finding it very hard to process this as it has been buried away for so long. He lives locally still and it fills me with dread that I might bump into him. He knew that I was in care at the time and treated me horribly I just felt that I wanted to be loved and that he cared about me. I said no at I didn't want to and that he was hurting me but he carried on until he had finished and told me to leave his house.
I'm scared to go back to therapy.

Angel, don't be scared. I know how it is. Reliving the feelings and making sense of them can be a terribly painful process but it's necessary in order for you to move on. It will make you feel stronger, of that I am sure. Persevere, it's bloody tough at the beginning but later you'll be glad that you were so brave

Completely agree with Bitter. This is very scary stuff and it can feel tempting to put the lid back on the box and back away. The trouble is that these sorts of feelings don't go away - if not processed and understood they eat away at you from the inside. You can do this with your therapist's help. You really can. It does get easier. But its ok to be scared too!

Hiya I was raped vaginally and anally by my boyfriend repeated times when I was 15.

If you want to talk in more depth I'm here for you to pm. I have had therapy for it you can tell me as much or as little as you like you won't trigger me. I'm just here if you want someone to listen.

None of this is your fault.

OP: please don't be tempted to talk to strangers about this via personal messages on the internet! You don't know who you might be discussing your private stuff with or what they could do with that information. For all you know, it could be someone trawling for wank-fodder! Or worse. Your counsellor is the only person who you should trust discussing this with as they are the only one who is competent to help you with this terribly heavy burden.

Imsuchamess: you might be well-intentioned but what you have suggested is most unwise. To put it mildly.

Ok i apologise.