Confused about our relationship - possibly TMI

[lasslancashire]

I am in a good, happy, healthy relationship with a fantastic man who would do anything for me. He treats me like a princess constantly, adores me, is always there when I need him.

Last night I wanted to say to him 'I've never loved anyone like I love you', but I couldn't. My ex and I had a 'passionate' 'fiery' (you know all the cliches) relationship, with constant arguments and physical fights. We were very dysfunctional and clearly not supposed to be together. Yet I feel we had some sort of deep connection between us that only we understood.

I kind of feel like with my current partner something is missing. I mean I think he is amazing and I DO love him but theres a part of me that thinks its almost a relationship of convenience. He was lonely and hurt because his wife left him after cheating several times. They eventually split when he caught her in the act. She hurt him a lot and when we first got together I could see it a lot in how he behaved. I kind of feel like he is just grateful to have some one who treats him well, shows him affection etc. He also said they had a very poor sex life, hardly ever having sex, he thought it was normal (he married his first GF so didn't know anything else).

After they split he had a year single and a year where he slept with one of his close friends, he wanted to be in a relationship with her, she just wanted to have sex and for no one else to know about it.

There is also our sex life to deal with. When we are actually in the act its fantastic - it's getting going that is the hard part. DP is very affectionate, always giving me cuddles and pecks on the head, cheek etc, but rarely passionately kisses me or ever initiates sex. It upsets me to the point where I feel like there must be something wrong with me, why he doesn't want to have sex. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, I just want to feel wanted, like he can't keep his hands off me. We have only been together just under a year so should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase.

We had an argument about it last week and he said 'what do you want? someone who just fucks you or someone who cares about you and loves you and looks after you?' Why does it have to be one or the other?

I believe sex is extremely important in a relationship and I feel that with my ex we had a deep sexual connection - the sex was no better than it is with my current DP - there just wasn't any trouble in getting it started we would always want each other. Isn't that sort of passion in a relationship needed?

I am the sort of person who likes sex every day whereas DP would be happy with it once or twice a week. I have accepted that and we usually have sex around 2 times a week, I would be happy with it just once if it was him who started it, not me constantly.

I know I will never find someone who cares for me the way he does but I can't help thinking there is something missing in our relationship. I don't know what kind of response I expect from this, I just need to vent.

This is a common problem between the 'exciting' man and the safer, kinder, (duller?) option. What age are you and what are you looking for in the next few years from life? I would highly recommend reading Mira Kirshenbaum's 'Is he Mr Right?' and also The Passion Paradox/Trap if you can find it in print. The first will tell you if what's missing is really important to you and the second will help explain why the power dynamic in your relationship is slightly awry.

IMHO you will very rarely get someone who ticks all of your boxes. You have got something good here. If you can't recognise that then throw him back in the sea for some other lucky lady.

Your other relationship involved physical violence but had a spark? I'm not surprised as certain folk thrive from fighting and arguing. That sort of relationship will result in charged emotions etc I wonder if you're trying to get that back......

@Quitelikely I definitely don't want the sort of relationship I had with my ex. I love that DP and I treat each other with respect and barely ever even argue let a lone fight. DP would never dream of putting his hands on me. I just want some passion in the bedroom. I want him to desire me IYSWIM.

@Vander Thanks for the recc's I will check them out.

I disagree with a PP. Relationships are highly personal things and it's not 'something good' if it's not working for you. Being treated like a cut-glass princess when you want to be treated like a flesh and blood woman can become very wearing, however well-intentioned. No, you don't want someone who is all passion with nothing backing it up. You certainly don't want 'fiery' if it means constant fighting. But by the same token, if it's all a bit flat just a year in, living with a saint ain't all it's cracked up to be either.

"'what do you want? someone who just fucks you or someone who cares about you and loves you and looks after you?"

BTW.... I don't like that response much because he's ridiculing your feelings in quite a hurtful way and, at the same time, seems to be making 'good sex life' and 'loving' out to be opposites - which they're not, of course. That would worry me a little.

This is also a personal bugbear which you are free to ignore, but are you fully happy with the idea that you need 'looking after?'...

Sexual incompatibility just doesn't work long-term. Time to move on.

what do you want? someone who just fucks you or someone who cares about you and loves you and looks after you?
is that the kind of language you use as a couple on regular basis?

if not - was it the actual quote or you paraphrasing his words?

are you the dominant person in this relationship?

does he always respond if you want to make love?

I honestly think there are generally two types of relationship - slightly volatile and 'exciting' but more likely to have EA and other negative parts and the safer 'calm but predictable' relationship. I personally think this is partly why I've given up with the idea of having a partner because I'd feel bored and trapped, but can't put myself and DD through the wringer for 'excitement' and what may come with it either.

In reality what you want is a best friend. If you can stop seeing him as the sex provider etc and consider him as a girlfriend and how you would get on perhaps you can see if it is a long term thing? If all of our friends were 'exciting' all of the time we'd be running for the hills I think! You need a bit of fun, but trust, stability and kindness are usually high on the checklist for friends.

@Cogito I've always been very independent. I grew up with an alchy mum and a runaway dad so had to grow up pretty damn quick. I do kind of like that I now finally have someone to 'look after me'. I like the sense of security he provides me with.

But in regards to dismissing my feelings. I do feel like that sometimes, he doesn't understand why I am not happy with things.

@expat I feel stupid that I even consider ending an almost perfect relationship over sex, but I too think it is very important. I am so confused.

@antimatter That was an actual quote. We are a very sweary couple but generally do not swear at each other in serious contexts. He hates arguing/confrontation, I think he just snapped in this instance. I would say I am the dominant person in the relationship.

He does not always respond when I initiate things. Sometimes I try to kiss him and he moves his head so we are hugging instead. Other times he will just say hes too tired, doesn't feel well etc. Yet he maintains he finds me attractive and enjoys making love to me. I know he does enjoy it, he just never wants to start it.

@lion

I was thinking just this last night. We have the greatest friendship in the world. We have care, kindness, fun, reliability, trust, stability. But can that make a long term relationship (I'm talking years, possibly marriage).

Just wanted to say if he is using a lot of porn he may feel he is getting his sexual needs met.
Is it something you could ask him to lay off for a couple of weeks and see if it helps?

If you are dissatisfied now, get out while you can.

As for the rest I know I'd rather marry the trustworthy kind guy, no doubt! You have to think what they will be teaching your kids, and having had a similar set up family-wise as you I want the opposite for my DC. Do you think you are simply not used to having a non-aggressive relationship in your life partly due to your home life as a child? I have become very good at spotting the a-holes quickly and getting rid but at the same time someone who sits on his arse watching footy and watching X-factor is something I couldn't deal with. You need some spark, but make sure it isn't because you are scared of a new pattern of calmness in your personal life

He doesn't use porn at all. I am not a naive GF who thinks her man wouldn't do it, I wouldn't have a problem if he did. I think sex, in any form, is just not even on his list of priorities.

The calmness is something I'm definitely not used to. I think that has led to some of my confusion. I don't know what a 'normal' family life is. I know that's what I want, a happy long 'normal' marriage with children. And if we want to get married and build a life together (hopefully forever) should sex be such a priority?

"We have care, kindness, fun, reliability, trust, stability. But can that make a long term relationship (I'm talking years, possibly marriage)."

There's a 'but' hanging at the end of that sentence, isn't there? I agree with expatinscotland's statement about incompatibility. It can be the most maddening, frustrating experience to find yourself with someone who, on paper, is 99% perfect .... 'but'. If it'something particularly important to you, you can try to forget it, work round it, compensate for it, rationalise it, and the 'but' will always be there, niggling away at you, blowing up into resentment and arguments every so often.

Incompatibility means they're not a bad person, just the wrong person.

It's a difficult one. I too, have had the urge to be with someone who is a bit more passionate, certainly more emotional and less trapped in the same routine all the time. I've been with men who have spent hours wooing me and vice versa, with exhilarating experiences and hedonism and passion and feeling immortal. Sometimes, when I'm stuck washing up for the fourth time or hoovering the shit my DP leaves after tearing a wall down or feeling, y'know, just bored, I used to wonder whether he is the right person for me. I am a thrill seeker by nature, slightly sedated now as I'm heading towards my 30's and it's not nice feeling held back (whether that's experiences, sex, emotions, etc).

The deal breaker for me is that although my DP is routined, sometimes boring, a bit emotionally stunted and not always romantic, he is passionate in the bedroom and he does love me and want the best for me. The people I hung around with who were more exciting and the rollercoaster rides with ex boyfriends who would drink, smoke and be whimsical like me in my past years inevitably, and always, ended up crashing at some point. I think I got bored of the emotional fallout from the arguments and the fear that unless I kept going, I'd be replaced. It was unsustainable for my sanity and never ended that well. Do I miss them? Sometimes. But I have a home, a life and stability that I've never, ever had - it's worth more for me. I adore DP; he genuinely is my best friend and we have stuck by each other through torrid years.

I don't have the lack of initiation part of sex, but I had a boyfriend who enjoyed having it, just not the thought of having it (if that makes sense) - I wonder whether your DP suffers from some kind of emotional baggage (depression, anxiety perhaps) from what happened with his wife? It sounds as if it was a very difficult time - not made better by the fact she cheated on him but withheld sex from him a lot. Maybe the act of sex brings uncomfortable memories for him, and wants to cherish the affection side? I don't know, I'm not a psychologist, but may be worth considering.

I've waffled enough, but I used to feel the same way as you did OP, about two years ago and a year or so into our relationship.

Sounds like he just doesn't have a high sex drive.

If you don't think you can live with that then it's probably best you end it.

I married a man like your partner - he was very devoted to me but we seemed to lack a certain spark sexually. It was a big compromise for me but I did it because he seemed to tick so many other boxes.

14 years later, he had an affair. Totally not "the type" (if there is one?!).

Utterly devastated me & I felt fucking angry too - all those years of compromise, being told he had a low sex drive (I have a high one) & then he bloody shags someone else!

Now I'm with someone where there are fireworks. No idea if we will last but I've come to the conclusion that good sex & sexual compatibility are the glue that gets you through the tough times & keeps you connected.

My marriage fell apart for more than just the sexual compatibility - but I think if you are a highly sexed person, a poor sexual connection can erode something vital in you & your relationship.

I would never compromise on this ever again.

How long have you been together?
Are you living together?

If I saw this statement I would say I am the dominant person in the relationship. He does not always respond when I initiate things. AND I know he does enjoy it, he just never wants to start it on it's own I would say - great - you are dominant he is subissive in this relationship. Go and explore that further.

But seeing this: He does not always respond when I initiate things. I would say you possibly have different sexual temperaments - it is hard for either of you to force yourself (well - why would you force yourself!).

But why he doesn't want to kiss you???
In your books - does kissing have to lead to making love?