I have just cried for the first time in over a year, I woke up in a bit of a crappy mood but nothing too depressing, anyway after taking the kids to their dads I had my tea and got in the bath, I felt fine then all of a sudden memories started flooding back to me, memories of childhood, my teen years, school, college...some memories good, some bad but what hit me was the memories I have of my past relationships, men mostly but also friends and family. I have only ever had 3 proper friends in my entire life, I don't know why. I was teased at primary school by the boys, if they wanted to insult each other they would accuse each other of fancying me. Luckily I was pretty thick skinned and it never really bothered me, I didnt care at the time if I was pretty or ugly, it was meaningless to me. At secondry school I started to care more, for some reason no boys were ever interested in me, the teasing stopped at this age but still I was ignored by the boys, I even started to invent boyfriends so that I could join in with my friends conversations, even the geeky, unpopular girls had had at least one boyfriend, what was wrong with me? .
When we were older and started going out clubbing etc I again wondered why men were never interested in me, looking back it was probably the way I dressed, I never had much dress sense but my family always used to go on about how pretty I was, I tried to remain confident but it was hard when every man I came across turned his nose up at me.
My first 'boyfriend' I met through a penpal page at the age of 15, he came to stay with me and my family once and then I went to stay with him and his, I THOUGHT it was going great but when I stayed with him I noticed he hardly spoke a word to me, made it obvious he would much rather be doing other things and just generally seemed 'off', a week after the visit he finished with me, I was expecting it and wasnt too bothered, we remained friends and I still thought he was nice although the contact dwindled down after a while...a few years later I found his website, on one page he listed a few of his ex girlfriends, a description of me was on there along with a photograph, I was described as "the most boring person I have ever met" and "an example of someone who doesnt wear make-up who really needs it!". He also described my visits to his house as "like watching paint dry, I couldnt wait to get rid of her, last I heard of her she was breeding Rottweilers and to be honest, she had the hips for it". What a first class twat. What the hell did I do to deserve that? I was too embarrassed to contact him to ask him to take the photo down at least, I was so hurt by this.
My second boyfriend was a friend of my cousin, my best friend was seeing my cousin so I thought it would be nice for me and his friend to get together too so I asked him out at a new years eve party, he told my friend to pass on a message of "sorry but no". nevertheless we did get together a few weeks later, I then found out that my cousin had told him I was extremely naive and it soon became apparant that this kid was after an easy shag, he treat me like crap until he eventually finished with me...by smashing up a guitar that I had lent him and telling me where to find the pieces.
My first real relationship was with a man I met at college, it started off ok but we rushed things, grew apart but stayed together and again I got treat like crap, he hit me, called me names, refused to go anywhere with me, disrespected me and generally made life hell, when I was pregnant with our second child he made up a story about him seeing another woman and that they were in love and all they talk and laugh about me all the time..it turned out to be a lie just to upset me, I was devestated, both at the story and then again when I realised it was a lie, yet I stuck with him for 8 years.
My last boyfriend was very similar to him, lazy, disrespectful, a user and basically just a nightmare.
Why me? am I really so ugly and horrible that a normal, nice man would not look twice at me? I've come to the point now where I'm enjoying being on my own but I thought the past feelings of bitterness had gone until tonight, I feel like nobody loves me and I know how childish that sounds. All through my life I have been laughed at, used and then thrown on the scrap heap when they've had enough, I'm sat here now on my own on a crappy estate whilst everyone around me is enjoying their lives.
I just feel so sad, all I want is a proper family, not yet as I'm happy on my own for now but looking back at past experiences am I kidding myself that someone like me could actually get a decent bloke?
During my trip down memory lane I also remembered a few instances of "I dont want you" attitudes from family, I remember my mum leaving me with my grandma so she could go and see her boyfriend, I remember my grandma telling me that my did didnt want me either, I remember teachers blaming me for things that I genuinly didnt do just because they didnt like me, I remember so called friends ripping the piss out of me to each other and making it obvious that they didnt want me around and then all the shitty men have been exactly the same. I feel totally alone right now, I feel like giving up on everything nobody would give a shit anyway apart from the kids and even they would get over it eventually, its human nature it seems. I wish I had someone to talk to but I dont even have any friends . sorry for the long rant.