Being silly, talk some sense into me.

[Celestria]

I feel daft even writing this, please dont be too harsh!

I have a lovely DP, he means the world to me and I am very happy for the first time in my life. I have 4 dc from a previous marriage and he has three from a previous marriage. His children are all late teens, mine are a lot younger.

A few months ago, when we had both had a bit to drink and were doing the whole sloppy thing, he mentioned he had been thinking about having a baby with me. He always said he didnt want anymore so I was surprised but it got me thinking too. Since then he has said he definitely doesnt want any more children and I agree, we have seven between us and he feels he is too old now for more children (he is ten years older than me).

Even though I agree, I still cant help feeling sad. I think for a combination of reasons. My youngest starts school in August and I think I am feeling a bit lost in that I have always had a baby or toddler to be looking after for the last nine years and now I am not needed so much, I just feel a bit lost.

I also feel sad that we will never share a child together, although he is wonderful with my DC and they love him to bits. Id love to see him holding our child.

So why am I posting this when I agree with him? Because I cant stop thinking about it. Before he mentioned babies, it never really entered my head but now I find myself dwelling on it. I wondered if anyone else had felt the same thing and if it just went away in time. Its almost like, now he has said it, I think deep down he must want one and I could convince him. How do I let it go and stop being so silly?

If you have the room, and can afford to have another child, Go for it, I don't think the desire to have another will go away.

I think I need to find out if he definitely doesn't want another though I suspect that's the case as it was probably just a drunken thing.

Im in a similar situation, we have 5 between us, none of our own. When we first got together I couldnt imagine NOT having one one day, but once we thought about the implications - my youngest is 8 so would be starting all over again BIG time, no more child free time (his go to their mum's the same weekends mine go to their dad's), the cost etc - we had to be realistic and say its never going to happen.
Im sad about it but deep down its definitely the right decision.
Focus on the positives of your relationship as it is. A baby is a massive strain on a couple, particularly with seven children already involved! Of course a massive joy but you will have to be a really strong couple to cope.
Plus, hes said he doesnt want another! I reckon I could get tipsy and convince myself it was a good idea, but I know that the next morning Id be back to a no!

Id have loved to seen "our" baby and raised him or her together, but we are resigned to remaining as we are. And Im happy about that.

You're not being silly at all. He has opened this up so I would talk to him about it some more and get your feelings out in the open.
But maybe finally having some freedom with them all at school might be a relief. You can't keep on having babies forever. Think of all the things you could do instead.

I have been to college and am going back in August. I am hoping to one day be a counsellor.

He has said he wants us to be able to go on nice holidays when my children reach eighteen. He will be mid fifties by then and says he is too old to have another.

I don't think we should have one as much as I want one. I guess it's something that will just get less in time.

Between you, you have 7 children already.

The world doesn't need any more! You probably don't either! Think of all the lovely adult time the two of you can spend together without having to go through all that again!

That enough sense for you?

I do think a thorough talk with DP to clear the air, just to make sure there are no misunderstandings about how you both feel, would be sensible, but if he definitely does mean no it's time to put the whole idea to bed.

I suspect the "nearly out of time to have another" hormonal thing has kicked in here. It's a bit like those advertisements that shout "Your last chance to take advantage of this amazing offer!" You might not have intended to buy the thing originally, but as it's the last chance you just have to take a look in case it was something you would regret having missed. As you say, you weren't even thinking about another until he accidentally brought the subject up and you only say you feel sad, not desperate. If it builds up to an unbearable longing that simply can't be rationalised away, that's another matter...

The maternal instinct is a powerful thing, but you have, what, school age? children now who will need your attention for a lot of years yet, attention which would be harder to give if you were looking after another baby/toddler/pre-schooler. My advice is, hold on and look forward to seeing your DP holding his grandchild (provided his DC oblige!).

I'm in a similar situation to you OP, not silly at all. We have 5 between us and don't live together due to school logistics etc. he stays here 3-4 days a week and is to all intents and purposes, part of our family, the DCs get on well at weekends.

We both said from the start that we value the time we get together when the DCs are with their other parents (about once a fortnight we get an overlap of a night off!) and we are able to go away for the odd long weekend on our own.

If we had a joint child that wouldn't happen and now that his youngest is 6 and mine is 7 it would be a huge step backwards.

However, a little part of me would still love to share that bond with him and to have a child who was a mix of both of us. I know in my head that it would change everything and not all in a good way. He would want to move in here full time, which would upset his DCs (his main motivation for not having more seems to be how his DCs would feel, whereas mine is perhaps more selfish!) and cause me to be financially dependent on him because what I get from my ex and my tax credits etc would change.

I have just turned 40 and I think maybe that's one reason I feel sad, it's as if any chance I may have had is now slipping away. I know he feels that my age is also an issue, the extra chance of complications, and can't help feeling that if he'd met someone younger he might be more open to having more DCs (he's 4 years younger than me).

My head know this is the right path, but sometimes my heart aches for a little hybrid me/DP.

I had an epiphany quite early on that instead of wishing for something that would be a perfect blend of him and me, I should remember that I already have it - US!