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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Time to call it a day?

11 replies

Prforone · 02/06/2014 01:02

Returned from a few days away with friends this afternoon. My DP of 18 months had said DD and I could come over for dinner this evening, which we'd agreed to.

My mobile's on the blink (which I'd warned him about) so when we got home, I called his landline (it's the only phone number of his I can remember). No answer, so I sent him a message via FB to let him know we were home. Had an inkling he might still be out at a sporting event supporting his DS so didn't worry too much.

Couple of hours later, went on FB to send another message to him, and noticed (via the "Chat" part) that he'd been online in the past 5 minutes so waited for him to get in touch. An hour later, still no contact from him so I suggested to DD that we just head round to his.

Got there to find he wasn't in. By now it was only an hour 'til DD's bedtime and we still hadn't eaten, so decided to drive back home again to sort dinner for the two of us, seeing as I still hadn't heard from DP.

Drove past the local pub on the way home and - lo and behold - there he was, sitting at a table outside with his mates and a couple of pints in front of him. So we parked up and went over to where he was sitting. He didn't even get up to come over for a "welcome home" hug and kiss - just sat there and said hello. I said "I'm sorry but I've got to get DD home so she can eat before it gets too late". He said he'd been trying to ring my mobile, which I said was no good as it's not working at the moment. He said "Why didn't you ring me?", so I told him I'd tried to ring him at home as I don't know his mobile number off by heart, and had also tried to contact him via FB. He said nothing, then his mates started asking us if we'd had a nice time away, so the conversation moved on.

So I chatted to his mates for a few minutes while DP just sat there in silence, then said DD and I'd have to get home as bedtime was approaching. Still nothing from DP, so we said our goodbyes to the group and went back to the car. I heard one of his mates say to him "Why don't you go with them?" but didn't hear DP's response.

Drove home with DD really upset, wanting to know why DP was in the pub when we were supposed to be going round to him for dinner. Made up some excuse to calm her down but inwardly was thinking the exact same thing. And why, if he'd tried my mobile with no success, hadn't he tried my landline instead? (I know that number's also on his phone).

Hadn't seen him for five days and was really looking forward to seeing him this evening and, quite honestly, was hoping he'd be looking forward to seeing me too, but his actions spoke otherwise.

I'm pretty hurt and upset myself, but the fact he upset my DD too is making me think maybe I should cut my losses? It's not the first time that plans have gone awry because he's gone to the pub.

I love him and would do anything to help him (and have done in the past) but, following this evening's debacle, am beginning to think it's just one-way traffic.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 02/06/2014 01:57

"Actions said otherwise"

These words jumped out at me. He is SHOWING you what he thinks. If he's already prioritising the pub/mates now when you don't live with each other and haven't seen each other for 5 days, I can only imagine what he'd be like if you lived together.

Do you feel there's a future in the relationship ?

Lweji · 02/06/2014 02:21

It's not even as he's being held up by his friends, is it?

I think you do have to leave, yes.

winkywinkola · 02/06/2014 03:22

He was so disrespectful to you in front of his friends. He was even asked why he didn't go with you by them.

I would dump him. It sounds like he might have started that process in his head already.

Don't let him disrespect you more by being oh so reasonable.

ThingsThatShine · 02/06/2014 04:23

Dump

You deserve more respect

MrsIrony · 02/06/2014 07:05

As much as it hurts, yes, I would say time to call it a day. DD needs to see her mum is worthy of respect too. What sort of example is that to her? The fact that she got upset too speaks volumes. Perhaps you've given him too much importance in both of your lives, before he proven he's worth it. Sounds like you've had a lucky early warning (and escape!).

AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom · 02/06/2014 11:27

Yes, seems like he doesn't care about you, so let him go.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 02/06/2014 11:31

What a shit feeling. I know it Sad

Time to end it before he does. He read your messages but choose to ignore it. Your instinct is telling you what's happening here Flowers

Phalenopsis · 02/06/2014 11:50

I've been in a similar situation OP and what he's telling you is this: I don't want her any more but I'm too chicken to end it so I'll ignore her in the hope she gets the hint.

At best he sounds moody and is perhaps the type to play mind games. At worst, he simply isn't interested in you.

Walk away. You can do better than this.

ForeskinHyena · 02/06/2014 11:57

He sounds like he's not as committed to you as you are to him, sorry. I agree that something isn't right if he couldn't show you that he's missed you and want to see you and dd when you got back.

Fwiw, my DP of 18 months is away this week on holiday. He too lives elsewhere but is missing me and excited about coming back and spending the afternoon/evening with me the day he gets home. I'm also looking forward to seeing him and will greet him with lots of hugs and kisses and jokey dramatic demands not to abandon me again .

Even if I had some problem with him, say e.g. he hadn't called me every day or I'd seen him having lots of fun on Facebook and was jealous, my natural instinct would still be affectionate and I would save any reprimanding or arguing for the next day. Has anything happened while you were away that might explain his moodiness?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/06/2014 12:07

He's not really a 'P' is he? He doesn't see you as family.

Norest · 02/06/2014 12:53

Yea sorry I agree with everyone else. Even his mates were asking him why he wasn't going. Not to be too stereotypical as I am sure some women do this, but I have noticed far more men than women take the cowards way out of relationships and just trail off contact and being considerate until they push the other person into leaving them. Sad

Unless, as other people have asked, there is something else going on in his life (in which case I would be expecting an explanation and an apology and for it to be a fucking good reason for acting like a rude and inconsiderate twat, and in front of your daughter too) then I would say he is showing you very clearly he does not value you.

I would be furious at anyone who let my child down in that way.

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