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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think a close family members dp came on to me.

21 replies

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 21:55

I've NC for this as I know it's my fault, but would like advice on what next.

Family do this weekend, went along with close family member and her dp. I'm close to these two and have spent a lot of time over the years socialising with them both, weekends, BBQs. I also grew up with her.

I'd had quite a fair bit to drink and while close relative was dancing her dp, who was sat slightly behind me, starting stroking my neck out if the blue.

If some one asked me what I would have done in response before hand , I would have sad I would have slapped him. I'm not keen on him and only tolerate him because of her.

I froze when he started doing it, and for some stupid fucking reason tried to make a joke out of it. I said something along the lines of " hey I don't mind being tickled but if x sees you have had it"

The only thing I can think of if that when I was young I was sexually assaulted twice and tried to brush it off, never reported it. It was a family member and it was easier to deal with it like that than actually say "what the fuck are you doing"

I got up and moved away straight away.

After the do relative asked me to come to hers for a drink, I was that pissed, I must have forgot what her dp had done and went. I only had a glass of wine when there and said I was going.

Now here it gets a bit sketchy for me. I remember her insisting dp walked me home, I remember refusing saying don't be daft loads of times, but she insisted.

We walked down a passage way very close to her house towards mine and then my mind goes totally blank. I remember thinking, " sod, this!" and running across the road to get away from him.

I know he didn't assault me, but I think maybe he tried to stop and kiss me as I have a flash back of his shirt in front of me.

He was shouting me as I ran off.

I got in went bed and only remember half way through the next day when I'd sobered up. With the patchy pieces missing.

My dp absolutely hates him and there would be carnage if I spoke to him about it.
She wouldn't leave him if I told her.
He was up in crown court for attempt assault many years ago but he was found not guilty.
He has been found recently chatting to random women on the internet.

I know it's my own fault for drinking so much. There was a lot of champaign, shots , I went completely overboard.

I'm so annoyed I didn't react the way I should have. I should have called him on it straight away. He is a fucking creep and I practically gave him the green light instead of slapping him, which would have caused a massive scene and ruined the party.

Really don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I'm am going to do anything about it! it sounds really suspect and I don't want to rip the family apart. My family don't like him anyway and are just waiting for an excuse to have a go at him which will only get family relative backing him up again as that's what's she always does .

Just needed to get it of my chest.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/06/2014 21:59

It isn't your fault in any way.

Drinking is not a green light for creeps to come on to you. It makes him even more of a sleazebag that you were drunk.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/06/2014 22:01

I think I probably would tell her, and your DH, but of course it's your call.

Lweji · 01/06/2014 22:03

Can I use my first ever hun?

It was not your fault!!!!

He is a creep and many people who are assaulted freeze.

Please at least do not blame yourself in any way.

It may be a good idea to report it, at least ask advice from police and log it, even if you don't take it further.

eddielizzard · 01/06/2014 22:04

no it's not your fault. he's a creep.

i would tell your dh though. i don't think you should have to keep this to yourself.

and again, you didn't do anything wrong. this arsehole behaved in a totally inappropriate way.

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:05

Thanks for replying.

I know I should, I would want telling if it was my DP, but it will change the dynamics if the family so much and I don't want to lose her as I know, she will put the blame on me. They have a lot of children together and she would rather be with him than with out Sad

OP posts:
Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:07

If I told dp, there would be murders.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 01/06/2014 22:08

Yes, that's what he is relying on.

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:08

Thanks for saying it's not my fault by the way.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/06/2014 22:10

It should change the family dynamics.
You should never be forced again to be in his presence or at risk with him. What will you say next time she insists on him walking you home? That you are less at risk with strangers?

I am concerned that you felt the need to run from him.

Please do tell someone in real life.

Rivercam · 01/06/2014 22:12

YOU ARE NOT TOO BLAME! Having an odd drink or three does not give anyone the green light to touch or kiss you.

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:15

Lweji - I won't ever put myself in that position again.

Everything your all saying is what I would have said to someone. I know your all talking sense. Just don't feel if I can blow the family up.

I think I will talk with my dgm. I actually feel a bit better hearing it of you lot as I felt really guilty about it.

OP posts:
ecuse · 01/06/2014 22:24

It is categorically not your fault. talking to your dgm sounds like a good start as she will know the people and the context better. Hope you're ok and sorry this horrible thing happened to you.

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:28

Thanks you lot x

OP posts:
Mrsrochesterscat · 01/06/2014 22:31

Oh LastLove! I had an almost identical experience to you, even to his wife insisting he walk me home - except he was in a tight-knit friendship group. I didn't say anything at first, because I was worried about the impact it would have on our group, and his son and wife (who I adored and couldn't bare to hurt her with such horrible information).

However, he ramped his gross stuff up to the point that I was afraid to go anywhere near him.

I tried to carry on as normal - still going out as a group but trying to keep away from him. Every time he sought me out and every time he did something I froze - even knowing what was coming and planning how I would deal with it better next time - I still just froze! I realised I couldn't carry on as normal and spoke up after a really horrible incident. He wouldn't back off even after police involvement. Oh and his wife thought we were having an affair - she was quite happy with this!

The shit did hit the fan, massively, and it took me years to get over it because I let it run on so long, but I am safe. Don't make my mistake.

This will have shaken you to the core, you will struggle to trust anybody now and your DP needs to understand why you are struggling. Look after yourself now, he made his choice - let him deal with the fall out.

Mrsrochesterscat · 01/06/2014 22:45

Just to clarify, my mistake was not speaking up sooner.

They won't help much, but have some Thanks and Brew x

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 22:53

Thanks mrs

I'm just stuck because it's family. He is horrible and she feels segregated from a lot of the family because she knows how they feel about him. I'm really one of a couple that speak to him - for her.

She knows he is an arse, I've told her to leave him but she just goes on the defence as he has no family what so ever.

The fall out would be a huge bust up between her and him with physical violence between them both, my dp and probably df will want to go call him out. Her kids who frequent my home will be witness to it all and they see too much already. She won't leave him any way. Myself and her won't speak again.

He will stonewall her and make her home life miserable.

It's pathetic I know but I'm going to sit on this - for now.

Thank you for responding x

OP posts:
HilariousInHindsight · 01/06/2014 23:10

By the sounds of it I'd call ss as this is obviously a violent relationship.

I feel more sorry for the kids as she has somewhat of a choice to stay with him but they don't.

What if he had raped you or hit you too? How far are you willing to hold it not to rock the boat.

Lastlovesong · 01/06/2014 23:21

hillarious regarding the SS . Your right. That's why dp hates him , tbf he isn't too keen on relative either.

If he had done either of those things it would be a different matter.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 01/06/2014 23:45

By sitting on it though it makes it look as if you are starting an affair.

You need to call it.

LettertoHerms · 02/06/2014 00:07

It is absolutely not your fault.

You were drunk, which makes you vulnerable, and unable to consent. It's good you were able to run and get away.

I would tell your dp, as this is the kind of thing that can go badly if hidden, as if you have something to hide. Start the conversation by asking him to stay calm, as you need his support.

Mrsrochesterscat · 02/06/2014 21:29

Letter is right, and to be honest, for me it was that some of my friends really thought I was having an affair with him that hurt the most. Some still do even now, it's how they cope with what he was doing to me - "it was just an affair that got messy, Mrs is overreacting..." When all along I was keeping quiet to protect others, not trying to keep a sordid little secret!

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