Why am I still so affected?

[Littletigers]

Hi have ncd because I'm so embarrassed.
I still think about exp every day, not in an I want him back way, but in a whole number of very confused ways. Sometimes I am furious about the things he did to me, sometimes I just sort of 'feel' him very close by, sometime I miss 'fake him'. I feel an overwhelming sense of nostalgia at this time of year for the first few weeks of the relationship. Many places, ideas and things have strong connotations.
I have had counselling and even tried hypnosis to deal with the relationship.
I read Lundy, various books about abuse.
It was a really short lived relationship of around a year and a half. It's been over for a year and a bit.
I posted a lot in 2013 under a different name trying to come to terms with the nature of the abuse in the relationship. I'm certain he is a narcissist
HOW, how do I get rid??? How can I stop the thoughts of him? I've started a new job, travelled around, got a hobby, even done a few 'bucket list' type things.

Don't be embarrassed. It's not that long, it can take a few years to get over some relationships. I'd just accept that this is how you feel, don't try to fight it and not think about him, perhaps just allow yourself say half an hour a day to have the thoughts and then do something else. In fact if you give yourself say 3 hours a day you might find you soon get bored of it
Also, would keeping a journal or writing down your thoughts help?

I don't know either! I think just keeping busy really helps. But there is always a reminder, so many things make you think of them, you just can't escape it. I'm going to keep watching this thread for the advice from others who have got through it. It's been 9 months for me but a 12 year relationship which ended when I discovered he was a lying cheating bastard.

Good call holdyourown, re writing thoughts down, I was thinking of starting a private blog, but my mind is so shot at, I can't think straight half of the time. Anyway, enough of me hogging the thread, back to you OP.

It's the weekends, holiday time and travel to certain places that gets me. And the memories of how truly badly he treated me- I mean, really, it was like dealing with a crazy person and it made me crazy too in the end, I almost lost myself and everything I had altogether.
12 years makemejump oh my word.
I tried to think of him as dead, but he still pops up and is around.

hokdyourown writing helped me a lot at first, as did reading, but I am sick of having nothing else to write about! And the reading was keeping him in mind. In the end I was so saturated with books about abuse, narcissism etc that I realised it was just a way to keep him in mind and stay a victim, so I stopped and the only thing I can remember is a quote from a woman in 'trauma bonds' who said that despite everything this person had done, this person was the only person she really wanted to talk to! That resonated!

It would be easier if they died. It really would, could grieve properly. All the reminders, over 20 years of them, and still flaunting themselves around town. It is ghastly, it really is. I hope it passes as some stage for all of us.

Let me know when you find the answer

Someone must have a cure? For a long while I just learnt to live with it- meaning I sort of absorbed the thoughts and decided that they were just part of me/ who I am now and a sort of permanent shadow. But now I'm just frustrated and want them/him to go away and give me my headspace again.

Nespressofan, I totally agree. To me he is dead, but then because my living situation has changed, I now pass him everyday and it brings it all back.

I try to think to myself, what the hell, he's with her now, get on with your life, don't give him any more of your energy, but it's so hard not to. At least I have stopped dreaming about him and her now.

Even earlier after I posted on here, I took myself off for a long soak in the bath, and noticed a tag hanging on the back of a wicker shelf unit we bought together, and that made me think of him as we'd got it really cheap as it was priced up wrong.

Someone posted this on here the other day, and it really really struck a chord, in fact I could have written it, if I'd been more articulate :-)

I wish I were more articulate, I really do. I grieved and grieved when I lost my dad - 30 years ago - still miss him. I don't miss h but I am still grieving because he isn't dead. He is there, every single frikkin weekend. Now thinks he can flaunt ow around as I've started divorce proceedings. It is the most most hurtful situation you can be in. I just go into a ball shape in my bed and sob. It is dreadful. It really is.

I feel quite guilty that I managed to deal with the death of my dad 3 years ago far easily than getting over my recent breakup. My dad was ill with cancer for 2 years and there was some relief in his passing as he was no longer with terrible pain. I still miss my dad but don't think about him every day.

I think when you grief for a death it's finite. With a breakup the person is still out there and often still wants some degree of contact which ends up re activating the heartbreak.