Major row with old friend what now?

[Vodkaandorangeplease]

Old friend of 25 years.
We had a major phone row- or rather she rowed with me.
I don't want to go into details because of anon /outing .
But I had tried to distance myself because felt she was becoming too offhand with me.
She 'arranged' a phone chat to discuss-saying we needed to talk about the friendship and how it was deteriorating.
I told her I was only responding to her lack of effort as I saw it and gave examples- calmly and not being offensive.
She went loopy- shouting at me, being sarcastic, saying rather hurtful things. I eventually hung up saying I wasn't going to listen to it .
I just don't know if I want it and can get back to where we were. We have each sent a text since me saying sorry, her saying she hoped we could sort it but her text still contained some sarcasm aimed at me.
It's a long friendship going way back and I was very fond of her- we were very close for years- but I feel very hurt and don't know how on earth to start paving the way for a reconciliation of any kind.

did you text first saying sorry and she just replied?
is there anything else going on in her life to explain her going into one or changing her behaviour towards you? Sounds like things have maybe got unbalanced with you feeling like you're making all the effort.
I'd say take some time out to think about what you want here and what you'd like to do next.

I posted elsewhere about how I fell out with a long-standing friend of mine - 25 years plus. Not dissimilar circumstances to yours. You say your friend was getting offhand and sarcastic. Mine was the same - critical of me, started getting very condescending and superior, snarky ... to the point where we had an almighty bust up. Not by phone, but by text. Things had been buiding up and she sent me this horrible text and I fired one straight back both barrels giving it to her straight, and yeah, she went nuts, bombarding me with texts, which I deleted without reading and phone ringing of the hook, but I wouldn't pick up and deleted any voice messages she left.

That was almost 10 years ago. I haven't missed her at all. She had turned into someone I know longer liked, she was bang out of order (and I still think that 10 years on) and I have no regrets. She moved away and I haven't had any contact with her since.

Found out recently that she's trying to make contact with my and an idiot relative of mine passed on my (ex-directory) phone number via a third party. I am just waiting for her to call me and I will take great pleasure in telling her to fuck off.

I wouldn't worry yourself now about reconciliations. She was clearly getting on your wick and things weren't right. Friendships, like romantic relationships do run their course, that's how I look at it.

I'd just leave it for now. Let things settle and see how you feel in a few weeks' time. You may decide the friendship is done and dusted and you don't want to start it back up again.

Sorry for all the typos 'know' instead of 'no' 'my' instead of 'me' etc. Hope you can decipher!

Yes I did text her first about an hour after the phone call - just said sorry if I'd upset her.
She had never been unkind to me in the run up to this but had not made the most of various opportunities to get together ( we live some distance apart) when the ball was in her court and I was waiting ( in vain) for her to meet up. I felt she was making excuses all the time and giving other things and other people priority so I gradually backed off and phoned less.

I told her that she didn't seem to see it from my perspective and how it looked or felt that she wasn't making much effort.

Do you get anything out of this 'friendship'?

No? Leave it to die a natural death now.

I agree that you should leave it for the moment and see how you feel. But if you were already feeling that there were problems in the friendship - discounting whatever she said in the heat of the moment - then my guess would be that it is time to let go.

I have been in this situation, and went on feeling loyalty to the person long after they had said unforgivable things. Gradually I realised that the person I had liked in the past had already disappeared and wasn't coming back, and I was hanging on to the friendship for the sake of it it. It was very sad, and I wish that things hadn't ended on such a sour note. But I am clear that she deliberately set out to hurt me with what she said, using confidences I had shared with her against me. A friend like that isn't worth keeping.

Thanks for the thoughts.
We are linked through our history going back years.
But our lives have gone in very different directions now.
The problem is that she sees me as the villain in the piece. She thinks I have been unkind to her and distant - whereas I feel I've been matching her effort ( or lack of it ) and for once she's actually noticed. The 'unkindness' comes from my speaking plainly about her behaviour in a relationship - in what I hoped was constructive and helpful- but which she took the huff over. I tried not to take sides, but as her friend I couldn't not point out her role in the situation and allow her to put all the blame on other people. She couldn't accept this but she has a habit of being very outspoken with me - yet expects me to take it all and not bear grudges.

NCd for this as I had this last year and don't want to give details.

It is sad, and it hurts, and at first you feel as though it's on your mind constantly. I agree with the poster that said some friendships run their course.

When you think of what happens in life, and all that is throws our way, it takes very compatible people to maintain the level of closeness that they have done since they were young. I am envious of people that manage it - for me, some of my older friendships have ebbed and flowed, periods of closeness and then not so close....the one friendship ending I am referring to, however, felt like a slap in the face. I think I expected too much of her. I don't mean that in a passive aggressive way - I just think I expected her to always be there in the same way she had always been, but looking back it was usually on her terms. EVERYTHING was always about her.

I don't miss her. Random mood swings, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness... It was so tiring and stressful. My mum used to wonder what I got out of the friendship. At the time I'd say "oh it's just her" but she was quite right - why the fuck did I have to put up with that? I didn't.

Times change and people move on. I've got some amazing friends still, and sad as it is that the history we shared is now a bit "tainted" I'd rather that than deal with what I did for 15 years previously.

Don't worry yourself that she thinks you 'the villain in the piece'.

I know my ex-friend thinks I was the villain as well, and I couldn't give a monkey's because I KNOW what went down and I know my conscience is completely clear. They can skew it however they want, but as long as you know the facts and you know you weren't in the wrong, no disrespect but who gives a shit what she thinks?

Leave her to stew in her own juice is my advice. You might find (as I did) that you really don't miss her at all.

What's the point of a friendship that involves her being 'outspoken' with you, and you are supposed to just take it all without complaint, but when you dare say anything even remotely critical of her, she takes the huff. It's all one way traffic with you on the receiving end.

Nah,life's too short, honestly. Let her get on with it.

You said it yourself - your lives have gone in different directions now

It's extremely sad when this happens as I know from experience, but it's true that friendships have sometimes run their course, and that's what seems to have happened here

No need for further angst; just leave it to wither and move on

She is one DCs godparent- we seem inextricably linked!

That seems a shame about the godparent thing, but can I ask if she's done much around he role??

Well yes now that DC is an adult they do meet now and then for coffees etc but there was no input when younger

Then I wouldn't worry about that aspect too much to be honest; I'm sure your DC's got other people they see for coffee or whatever, and it seems a high price to pay for an occasional meeting