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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can I stop being clingy and jealous!

22 replies

watswrongwithme · 02/09/2006 17:27

I'm a regular but hav echanged my name because my new partner knows i use this site.

I have encountered many problems in my relationships due to my clingyness and possessive nature, and the fact is I want to stop but I don't know how to change my behaviour. I have recently started seeing someone and we almost broke up because I was constantly questioning him over txt messages and conversations he was having on msn.
I feel like he will leave me for someone else, I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he doesnt have children, he is used to going out all the time etc.. so I feel what do I have to offer he could find someone with my qualities but who is free to do whatever they choose because they are childless.

I find myself wanting to spend all my time with him, and if he wants to do something else I start thinking he is going off me!
believe me when i write this down I can see how pathetic I am but i dont know how to change.

has anyone else been throught this and stopped acting this way?
any advice?
thanks.

OP posts:
Panman · 02/09/2006 18:00

How old are you??

oxocube · 02/09/2006 18:13

no real advice watswrong, but I would say that in my experience ,excessive clinginess is the one thing men dislike above all else, esp early in a relationship. I was a bit like this as a teenager which I guess is why Panman is asking how old you are. I'm now 40 so not an issue any more. Giving your partner space to breathe is very important in my opinion. Hope someone comes along with some help for you.

wheelsonthebus · 02/09/2006 18:16

i think that with the right man, you would not feel this way. i have felt like you in the past and tbh, i was right to feel it - the men made me feel insecure, cos the relationship was insecure. the right man says 'look, i'm here because i want you for as long as the future lasts'. then you stop worrying...

SmallysMum · 02/09/2006 18:23

I am going through the same thing as you. My partner had a brief affair while he was working away once, several years ago. Up til then it had never entered my head that he would even consider doing something like this. Now I find myself constantly checking up on him although I hate myself for feeling insecure and jealous. He has never done anything like this again, as soon as he'd done it he was upset and sorry. However I still can't let it go. I am seeing a counsellor who is really good and is working with me to find more appropriate ways to deal with my feelings and to let things go.

Panman · 02/09/2006 18:23

Doubting it's the 'right man' thing at all, if you don't mind me saying. She refers to many previous difficulties with this.

It does remind me of the bar of soap analogy..the harder you squeeze, the more likely it will shoot out of your hands...

attachment and separation things in other parts of your life will probably be v. pertinent..hence the 'age' question?

AnneB · 02/09/2006 18:25

you sound young, I agree. This is sometimes a trait found in young, insecure girls.

The good thing is that you are addressing the issue. You are aware of it.

It is your problem rather than his. You know you are driving him away. Or if not now, in the future.

Maybe you should have counselling? (on your own, not as a couple) and work out why you feel like this. It is sometimes related to insecurities felt as a child.

harpsichordcarrier · 02/09/2006 18:31

I agree with panman - I think it is obv to do with you and not him.
this is really common and really difficuilt and there are no easy answers imo. I think it is a question of dealing with your behaviour and your feelings one step at a time.
e.g. I will not ask him about (X) during this conversation. I will not mention (Y) today at all.
I think it is worth teaching yourself some kind of relaxation/distraction technique so that you can deal with these unpleasant thoughts. Some sort of mental trick where you "wrap up" the bad thoughts and lock it away for example in a box. and sit on the lid.
or when the negative thought comes, think of it as a colour and blow it out through your mouth and see the negativity float away.
and practice thinking positive things - saying to yourself - I am a wonderful person. he is lucky to have me. or whatever mantra works for you.
BUT these things won't work overnight - it will def take some time.
lastly I would speak to him about it - say I know this is stupid of me and I feel embarrassed about it but this is how I feel and I KNOW IT IS NOT TO DO WITH YOU. them - hopefully - if you are acting like some sort of crazed loon you can find the strength to say to him, oh sorry I am being a crazed loon. because if you can laugh about it together then there is less chance he will feel suffocated by it and less chance that you will get it out of proportion.
good luck, HC xx

wheelsonthebus · 02/09/2006 18:32

i am sorry, but i think it is fatal to think 'it is all my fault, i must get therapy'. look carefully at the situation and ask whether it is what you should expect. are you really paranoid for no reason or is there something you suspect might be going on. and as regards being a single parent, there are lots of men who wd see this as a positive - ie, no endless pressure to have babies. sure he could leave, but so could any man for any reason. the key is to have a blunt discussion, check he is for the longterm and have faith in yourself.

Avalon · 02/09/2006 18:37

I've been in this situation before and totally agree with wheelsonthebus' post of 6.16.

Panman · 02/09/2006 18:50

We do seem to have poloarised this between "blame the men for how I feel/react", and "take responsibility for how I feel/react".

I am firmly in the latter camp, and I read whatswrong as a person wishing to do that too. All power and freedom to her elbow. As it were.

Panman · 02/09/2006 20:05

"Hello? Police? Pan has murdered another one!"

and where is whats wrong?

juicychops · 02/09/2006 20:45

i agree with wheelsonthebus. If it was the right man you would know yourself you have no reason to worry. I have felt like that in the past with my ex. He had an affair and i knew that although i had every right to be paranoid and worry about everythin he did or where he went, i knew it would come between us so i had to just learn to trust him again. Thats a very hard thing to do but i did it. But then he cheated on me again! He was a total bastard and the most evil person in the world and i learnt the hard way.
But now ive been with my new bf for 8 months and although im always gunna have wories in the back of my mind because of the shit ive been through in the past, my bf has never given me a reason not to trust him so i do trust him. He still has to see his ex a lot as they have kids but i trust he would never hurt me and i have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Your not being stupid or pathetic feeling the way you do, but maybe if you feel like that so early in the relationship it may not be worth it if its gunna drive you crazy. If he was perfect for you he would want to spend time with you and u wouldnt need to be suspicious or feel your gunna loose him

harpsichordcarrier · 02/09/2006 21:07

panman, fwiw I agree with you 100%. I think it is very damaging to expect the "right" man to fix feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
to put it another way - if a woman came on here and said - my dp is clingy and possessive, he always has been, he questons me about my private conversations. if I want to do something other than see him he gets possessive and insecure - how many people would say - oh you are causing this, you are wrong for him, if you were the right person he wouldn't feel like this?!

expatinscotland · 02/09/2006 21:13

I agree 100% w/Panman.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/09/2006 21:44

Agree 100% with Panman.

(am loving the bar of soap analogy )

Original poster
watswrongwithme · 05/09/2006 16:17

I apologise for not getting back to this thread sooner. I have had people here and obviously couldn't post.
I'm 25, (am I still considered young! or just immature lol)
I appreciate all the feedback you have given to me. I do think counselling would benefit me. I have beenthinking a lot about the situation in the past few days and I realise it's mainly related to two things. 1, previous relationships where I havent realised how I was being deceived and thus now Iam wanting toprotect myself from heartbreak again but in doing so I am driving him away.
2. My mum died 2 years ago and she has been on my mind a lot lately, I pondering whether my insecurities could be due to being scared of the people I love going away?,
I really want to stop being this way becuase I know how desructive it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
watswrongwithme · 05/09/2006 18:42

bump

OP posts:
Original poster
watswrongwithme · 05/09/2006 20:07

forgot to add my new man, is younger than me he is still at uni, so i think tha talso contributes to my insecurity. he has reasssured me that he loves me we had a big talk today and I said I would stop this irrational behaviour.

OP posts:
Toady · 05/09/2006 20:52

This is so difficult, I am 34 and have been with my Dh for 6 years now. My first long relationship age 17 -23 totally trusted my partner, he cheated on me .... loads of times I suspect. Second relationship, age 24 - 27, - total opposite - he was possesive, violent, did not trust me, thought I was sleeping around etc etc.

When I met DH it took me a long long time to trust him fully although I knew I was not being rational. He has been patient and understanding and I have grown to realise that he would never intentionally hurt me and our children.

Not much use but just to say I think if he is the right man for you it will be ok.

Original poster
watswrongwithme · 05/09/2006 21:17

thankyou toady, im glad that things have worked out with you and dh, I guess it will take time and a lot of effort from me, but this supposed 'self-preservation' im doing is doing nothing at all ecept making me unhappy.

OP posts:
divastrop · 06/09/2006 20:32

i have felt like this at the start of most of my relationships,and i ended up in 2 violent relationships where the men thought they could do whatever they wanted to me cos i was so insecure.
i spent a ong time on my own building my self esteem back up etc,but i still had some problems when i met my dp.i was a single mum of 4 and he was 6 years younger than me.
but right from the start ive been able to talk to him about my feelings and hes very understanding,plus i am very aware of when i am being paranoid or whatever.
i think u would defo benefit from some form of councelling to fing out why u feel this way,but if this guy is worth having then he will be understanding and patient and will be able to see the real u behind the insecurity.
i wish u all the best

divastrop · 06/09/2006 20:36

sorry about the typos i was a bit with some of the comments on this thread

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