Family dynamics - older children

[wundawoman]

Just want to hear others' advice...
I am finding my family's dynamics very annoying at present.

We have dd who is 18 and just finished school. She is moody and quite snappy and feel I need to have talk with her about being adult now, taking some responsibly for herself and respecting people etc.

Dss (24) has returned to live with us for a couple of months. He goes out with mates a couple of times a week, sleeps, then plays computer games ALL DAY at the family dining table. He does not speak, unless with his dad and it's always about football (ie. it excludes me!!) I find this really rude and immature. Am I right? Should I say something or let go?

To put it bluntly I don't enjoy being in my own home and try to get out as much as possible.

At this age they turn horrible; I believe it's an evolutionary process so that you chuck them out the nest

Ah yes, that makes sense! I am happy for both of them to leave the 'nest'
But my dss moved out of our home at 18 and has been independent since then (and done well at his job etc). Now he is back with us short term and he is acting like a bratty teenager!!! I generally get along very well with him, it's so disappointing....

Family conference time?

Should you say something..... fuck yes!

This behaviour is just about acceptable and somewhat expected for the 18 year old, but still needs to be tackled!

The 24 year old can do one, he's an adult, our house our rules, you don't like it bugger off. (this comes from someone who worked every day since they were 13, so i cannot abide people sitting around doing sod all!!)

Speak to husband to and agree a joint position then tackle it.

What are DDs plans? Is she off to uni/college soon? If not, is she actively job hunting or is she expecting to live off you?

I agree (my DD is 17) that you just sit there thinking "please FFS grow up" and it is very frustrating but all you can do is keep stressing that she is responsible for herself now and cannot treat you poorly.

Re step son, what does DH say about the way he treats you? I would be saying he either shapes up or ships out. It is totally unacceptable that you feel like an outcast in your own home.

Agree that this is a difficult time - teens are so grown up in some ways but they can be incredibly selfish. They don't really notice the adults around them so they think you don't notice them!

What does your daughter think of having her step-sibling home again? It might not be the best time to approach this if he's around setting the bar so low.

I don' t think they are all like this at that age. My ds was a pita about 15/16 as were most of his mates but he is 20 now and is great company and really respectful. You need to have a word with them!

I have had a word to dh about dss attitude but he is not very good dealing with these situations. Firstly, he comes out with the classic 'I'll have a word with him' which usually means nothing will happen (his way of stopping the conversation). He is not very good at understanding or acknowledging my feelings .

Dd has been working temporarily and she plans to go to Uni.

I guess I need to be firmer with both dcs ....

Dh told dd last night she can cook dinner tomorrow night, 'to give mum a break' .

I then said, it's not to give me 'a break' it's about everyone doing their fair share around the house!!!!

Dh has sat around the house most of weekend, sleeping!!

I just want to go away and live on my own...so tired of family demands, after 20+ years.....

I agree, 'give you a break' makes sound like you are the default skivvy for everyone.

Did your step son lose his job? I might broach with him directly what he needs to do around the house to pull his weight. Same with DD.

I think that you should tell your DSS that he mustn't use the family dining table (collective space) as his personal playroom. He either stays in his room to play or else participates in collective activities - conversations, making meals, housework, gardening, DIY, errands. Or goes out - for a run, perhaps?

Everyone should pull in.
Rooster rota for cleaning and cooking?