What is emotional abuse? And how does it start?

[Chocolategirl7]

Just that really! I'm not really able to talk about my own situation ( not sure I'm ready to face it) but just wondering how you would define it and whether it starts because the other person (being abused) is too demanding.
Thank you.

It has nothing to do with the person being abused. It has everything with the abuser being an entitled, controlling, woman hating twat.
Are you beng abused op? I guess the thing is the abuser wants us to think its our fault . It normally starts with high romance, quick declarations of love...then the nastiness creeps in which really throws us.

Also I would read ' why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft which explains all.

You might find this article illuminating. [[http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser link]

Emotional abuse can start gradually but it's essentially a sustained campaign of chipping away at the other person's confidence, making them feel at fault, unworthy, insecure and therefore always anxious to please. It is often alternated with outwardly loving behaviour, expressions of affection, gifts, apologies etc. The latter gets less and less over time but is used as a carrot to keep the victim on board. 'If you were a better partner, I could be like this all the time'. The objective is to exert control.

Maybe if you define what you think is 'too demanding' and some examples of the response you get in return it would provide some context.

link

I'm still trying to work out how it started with me. Over 10 years and I thought everyone had an arsehole for a partner who treated them this way. Turned out not. I only realised the enormity of it recently when a friend opened my eyes to what was happening.
Gradually as cog said, then it slowly gets worse as time goes on.

Emotional abuse is being horrible to your partner one minute and loving the next, so that you never quite know where you stand (using moods/behaviour to control, and making the abusee responsible for this). It is telling your partner one thing and doing another. It is telling your partner that if you they don't behave in a particular way you will withhold money/leave/kill yourself/drink/not come home/be depressed/put your partner down about looks and behaviour. It is not supporting your partner, but expecting them to be robots and do it all, or criticising your partner's choice of friend/dinner/driving/family'/job/the way you look after the children. It is withdrawing from family life and leaving one partner to do it all. It is isolating your partner, and making all the family decisions for them and presenting it with a threat.

Emotional abuse often starts when the woman get's pregnant and starts a family, as I understand it. No I do not believe it is because the abusee is too demanding, although I suspect that is a line used by the abusee. I suspect abusive behaivour will have been present from early in the relationship in the form of control, but that at some point something triggers the abuser to escalate. As I said often when children hit the scene, as then the abusee is vulnerable and dependent on support.

Some mumsnetters contributed to this blog about their experiences of emotional abuse - you might find it interesting.

www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/what-do-people-mean-when-they-talk-about-emotional-abuse/

One of them recommended me a website which summed it up simply as 'the sustained diminishment of another' which I found got right to the point.

It isn't necessarily deliberate as in malicious but it is a sustained course of conduct that can have a devastating impact on someone's sense of self and self esteem

O and btw if anyone ever tells you it's your fault for being 'too demanding' then that in my opinion is a pretty clear signal that they are abusive.

If I find people 'too demanding' I either try to talk to them about it,more i walk away. Putting the problem back on YOU is classic abusive behaviour, to make you doubt yourself and your reactions.

If you are with someone who makes you question your own gut reactions, that is generally not a good sign.

BTW... in an emotionally abusive relationship 'too demanding' is often in the eye of the abuser and can mean anything at all from asking them to clear up a coffee cup upwards. Another aspect of an emotionally abusive relationship is deliberately setting up conflict situations and goading someone into losing their temper. By doing this the accusation can be levelled that 'you're never happy'.. 'you bully me'.

I have found that I was called 'too demanding' when I requested to be treated with respect as a fellow human being. If an abuser is asked to modify his or her behaviour, of course they will be resistant to that so they will try to convince you that you are wrong for asking.

A decent kind human being would actually have a conversation with you about it so you could both be clear about what you both found mutually acceptable behaviour.

My ex was EA towards my 2 sons (his step sons - although we weren't married). He was never really EA towards me although when we argued he would say 'I can't cope with this anymore' and threaten to leave, which I always found bizarre. He would moan about marks on the walls, bikes left out - all things linked to the kids. He was a very angry man!

The NSPCC have a brilliant article about EA towards children, this basically is what they say. My exP displayed many of these traits, he would ignore them, had few emotional interactions with them, he would moan at them all the time, there was no love or positivity in our house.

What is emotional abuse
Emotional abuse includes:
•humiliating or criticising a child
•disciplining a child with degrading punishments
•not recognising a child's own individuality and limitations
• pushing them too hard
• being too controlling
•exposing a child to distressing events or interactions
• domestic abuse
• substance misuse
•faling to promote a child's social development
• not allowing them to have friends
•persistently ignoring a child
•being absent
•never expressing positive feelings towards a child
•never showing any emotions in interactions with a child (emotional neglect).

My exP displayed many of these traits, he would ignore them, had few emotional interactions with them, he would moan at them all the time, there was no love or fun in our house. We were surrounded by negativity!