Can't see what to do

[j9dw]

Hi, I posted this in a different place & someone suggested bringing it over here :)

I've heard that this is the place to come to for advice, so here goes.

In 1990 I moved in with my now husband & due to him nearly losing the house (he'd lived here for 5 years before I turned up) I bought the house from him, just a paper exercise really. Then, we got married & had our children (now 19 & 21).

I always wanted to move, but he would never agree to that, so we stayed put. He became disabled and is now on disability living allowance at the highest rate for mobility & care & I get carers allowance for him. Our son has asperger's syndrome and is doing well now, but because of that & my husband's disabilities, I haven't worked for the last 19 years, but have spent my time volunteering (usually too much).

I've just started work, but only part time and I love going out to work two days a week, but I don't earn much. Our daughter is still at college, but when she gets to 20, part way through next year, we'll lose child tax credit & child benefit.

So, here's the problem. I can't live with this man any longer. I can't cope with the way he speaks to me and our children. He's very depressed because he is in constant pain and can't get about, but he refuses to accept that he's depressed & won't consider aids to help him get about (mobility scooter, stair lift etc).

I can't ask him to move out because he's never wanted to, because this was his house before I came along and because he just wouldn't cope with it.

I have no savings, we live on pension credit, his pension & DLA.

I can't see, realistically, how I can move out, I have no benefits in my name, but the house is in my name so if I move out I'll be making myself intentionally homeless and I don't know if I'll be able to get my rent paid by benefits (until I get full time work) because technically I'll still be paying a mortgage (we get a tiny amount for the mortgage in my husband's pension credit).

If I do work out how to move out, my daughter will come with me because he speaks to her in the same was as he does to me and she would never be able to live with him. My son would probably stay put because he finds change too difficult to cope with.

I need some fresh eyes on this situation because I just can't see a way out. I'm probably depressed too (I've had depression in the past), but I don't want medication this time, so I'm just keeping it together in the hopes that it will pass again.

Any ideas? Please don't suggest counselling, he won't go and he thinks I'm the problem.

Thanks :)

I think you need to visit the Citizens' Advice Bureau and get advice from them. Hope that helps. Keep your chin up and don't let him beat you down.

You should probably get legal advice. Some solicitors offer a free initil consultation and the CAB can be useful on matters such as benefits.

What you'll find is that, regardless of who bought the house originally, as a married couple of many years the property is regarded as a marital asset and therefore belongs equally to both of you. Means that, the event of a split, unless one of you can buy the other's share out you would sell the property, share out the proceeds and then both start fresh either buying (if possible) or renting. I realise you say he wouldn't cope with a move because of his physical condition but it could be the spur he needs to address his problems.

Cog is right.

Sell the house x

Best I could do is pass the house over to him. He's 68 & severely disabled, there'd be little benefit to selling, neither of us could get a mortgage now & it'd probably finish him off. Regardless of how he is to me now (& I genuinely believe that he doesn't know he's being a git), I couldn't do that to him :(

It's your call, of course, and I've no doubt he's genuinely ill but he appears to be milking his condition already and treating it as an excuse to bully you and the other members of the family. FWIW I doubt having to move house would 'finish him off'... he'd probably claim as such in order to manipulate things in his favour but I'd bet hard cash that he'll live longer than you at this rate.

Be considerate, naturally, but please don't place yourself in poverty out of misguided sentiment. You are not responsible for your DH's age or health. You and your DCs deserve a fair outcome, not a one-sided one. Half the equity in the house is going to be a significant sum, you're not getting any younger, you have a DS with special needs and it represents your future security.