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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help with divorce after abusive marriage

22 replies

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 21:09

Hello

I am finally ready, after a year almost, to begin divorcing my STBXH. I want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour for the emotional and occasionally physical abuse that made me leave him. I want to list the real reasons for me leaving, so that there is a record of it and also for my children (in the very distant future!) to know that I didn't leave on some whim.

I don't know how to turn the reasons into a list of definable behaviour that would be acceptable in court. The longer I am out, the more distant it all feels thank god. Although I did wake up this week one morning and it dawned on me that I don't go to sleep scared and wake up scared any more. It's strange how those things creep up on you.

Any help would be appreciated! Thanks

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 21:17

I think you need to be very clear about the behaviours. Could you try putting down some of the stuff here. It doesn't need to be coherent! But it's difficult with nothing to go on.Unreasonable behaviour is simply behaviour that you can't reasonably be expected to live with.... which can include a lot of quite different situations.

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 21:18

Oops sorry, missed your mention of occasional physical abuse. That would get your divorce by itself.

Molio · 31/05/2014 21:27

I wouldn't worry too much about a 'record' for the children. The chances are that a seriously abusive husband will contest a divorce if it cites unpalatable truths. Just get shot of him is your best chance of breathing again. Leapords don't change their spots, so the likelihood is that the children will see where the truth lies, if there's still a need to spell it out in years to come.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 21:30

It says on the paperwork to list half a dozen... The main physical one that I could detail is that he grabbed me by the throat during a row and threw me to the floor, held me there and told me to 'know my place'. I feel like I want to list more, but because he never said anything like you can't talk to your friends or family, he just made it so awkward and uncomfortable that I slowly gave up everything for him to be happy, not that it made him happy. He always spent money from our bank account as he wanted but I always had to justify every penny, I never had a social life, he went out every week even went the children were new born, he made me feel dirty and ashamed for wanting a sex life, when I gave p wanting it I was frigid... I don't know how to put it all into 'proper' words.

Thank you for replying BlackDaisies

OP posts:

Molio · 31/05/2014 21:32

Leopards even, but whatever the spelling, they really don't ever change their spots. Get rid, and deal with the here and now, not the future. Let that take care of itself.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 21:34

Thanks Molio I do think that too, but I am trying my best to shield them from the more difficult stuff while they are so young, I hope they will understand as they grow up why I left but it feels important to me. I left with nothing, he gets the house (it's in his dads name), the contents, the car, the children 3 nights a week and he doesn't pay maintenance, so I feel I want something. He has agreed that he will agree to anything I put in the divorce papers with regard to reasons, just to get it done. He has a new partner so is pushing for a divorce now so they can move in together.

OP posts:

Molio · 31/05/2014 21:35

Find a solicitor to put it into words for you. A reasonably experienced female solicitor is likely to be able to help you translate this into a petition better than a male solicitor or a young person who may not be able to fully understand the emotional side.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 21:38

I can't really afford a solicitor and I'm not entitled to legal aid.

OP posts:

Molio · 31/05/2014 21:38

Sorry, cross posted. Ok then take a breath if he's very keen on a divorce and use that position of strength to say what you want, if that's important to you. I would strongly advise female, with experience. Are you able to get local recommendations and are you able to pay?

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 21:40

Oh that sounds horrible. I hope you feel ok posting that. Have you got a solicitor? I don't think you need to put it into "proper" words, just brief factual sentences. Your description of your row can go on as it is. As can your description of his social life. You can put "He was unfriendly to my family and friends to the point that I gave up inviting them, leaving me isolated. The financial side of things can go on as you've written it. Not sure about the sex life - he was uninterested in sex for many years but then accused me of being frigid when I no longer tried to initiate sex? I do understand that feeling of wanting a record, more for you though really. And also in the unlikely event he turns up in your future showing abusive behaviour. Hope you are finding that life after your marriage is giving you strength.

Molio · 31/05/2014 21:41

Cross posted again. Ok, it looks like you're vulnerable. I'd say it may be worth re-posting and asking for the names of good sympathetic female solicitors who keep costs to a minimum in your area. They do exist.

ilovemylittlestars · 31/05/2014 21:48

I read your thread and just wanted to say my stbxh did the same over our home - I left with three dcs nearly a year ago, still living with family now while he lives in what was our homebecause it's in fathers name. If you can,as other posters have said, get a solicitor, I also used unreasonable behaviour and I understand what you mean about having a record, all the solicitors letters I have received since from him have also been filed and kept, some have been really nasty - then when the time comes the children can see for themselves. I have fought hard for the children, he, however has given nothing:( wish you the best:)

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 22:00

Thank you BlackDaisies it's hard to write but easier than saying it out loud! Thank you I can work on your suggestions.

Thanks Molio I could do that. I've had my free half an hour but it takes that much time to explain it all in a general way. Maybe a one off to get it sorted might be worth the scrimping!

ilovemylittlestars I don't where these men come from, that don't want to provide a familiar place for their children during the turmoil of separating. It's hard, I have three DC too, but I feel proud of being able to look after and provide for them. I recently asked him to acknowledge what he has gained from our separation compared to what I have lost in terms of belongings and after losing his temper about money etc he gave me the electric whisk and some cake tins!! Wow that helped me to furnish the whole house! Thank you, good luck to you too.

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 22:07

How come he got the contents of the house and pays no maintenance? You would be entitled to half the contents, would it be worth asking for half their value? You need to get a financial settlement and arrangement for the children too as part of your divorce. Even if just to stop him claiming anything of yours in the future!

Molio · 31/05/2014 22:20

Soapy if you are prepared to post your circumstances - length of marriage, respective incomes, ages of children, abuse etc - then you might well be able to get free, reliable advice from qualified MNers. The court forms aren't complicated to fill in, especially with guidance.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 22:22

When I spoke to him about the contents, he just kept saying he had nothing to give, no money, he made comments about me taking curtains, things I wouldn't do. He just doesn't seem to see that he literally had everything. With regard to maintenance, my plan was to get through the divorce with no settlement and then claim child maintenance once he has no further hold over me. One step at a time type thing. He loves money and 'things' so I know that will be an issue when it comes up. Just want to be divorced so its final, the money part can wait.

I'm not sure if that is sensible now I write it down, but I just want the divorce to go through quickly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soapy81 · 31/05/2014 22:26

We were married in 2005, I left last year. He earns about £26k and I earn about £18k, children are 7, 5 and 2. The only part I'm worried about is the reasons for divorce, I was struggling with the wording of how he controlled me that it was so bad I left. Each incident on its own doesn't seem enough.

OP posts:

Molio · 31/05/2014 22:29

No Soapy that is not in the least sensible, to put it mildly. If he is anxious for a divorce then you must make a reasonable financial settlement part of the deal. You'll shoot yourself in the foot if you sell out just to get a divorce.

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 22:50

Yes, you MUST get the financial settlement and arrangement for the children agreed too. What if he went for more overnights and ends up claiming maintenance from you? Even if you don't want to fight for anything, you can agree never to claim anything from each other in the future. ( Maintenance is a separate issue). But I would fight for a share of the value of the contents and maybe equity from the house if you were paying into it during your marriage. Even a small sum could be used to start savings for your children for example. The behaviour you talk about is all "unreasonable" by the way and would be enough individually. I think when you write them add a sentence about the impact on you ( you were scared/ anxious etc)

dollius · 01/06/2014 07:00

Who paid the mortgage on the house? If it was your H rather than his father, there may be a claim for you to make on it.

You don't have to pay a solicitor up front, they can take their fee from your settlement and, anyway, your H may be ordered to pay the costs if he is being obstructive. I don't know, but you MUST get advice.

Do it for your children if not for you. You can put any money you get away for them if you don't want it for yourself.

If he was violent, I would seriously question him having the children unsupervised.

So, you need six reasons - here are four to get you started just from your posts:

Physical abuse - Incident of grabbing me by the throat, throwing me to the floor and telling me to "know my place"
Emotional abuse - Making it too difficult for me to see my friends and family and eventually cutting me off from them, despite socialising frequently himself even when we had newborn babies
Financial abuse - giving himself full access to as much money as he wanted while forcing me to account for every penny I spent, and putting our home in the name of his father to deny me a share. Also denying me a share of the contents of our home
Verbal abuse (in front of the children?) - calling me "frigid" (and other examples here)

Now give us some more examples in your own words and we can help you word them

shellistar · 01/06/2014 08:37

When I applied for my divorce (for a lot of the same reasons as you have put here, btw) I googled for how to word this part of it.

I put things like "on the 24th May 2011 the respondent physically assaulted the petitioner by gripping her by the throat and holding her against the wall. During the period of June 2010 until October 2013 the respondent verbally abused, bullied and belittled the petitioner by regularly usng words like "useless, fat, ugly, worthless, pathetic and waster" to intimidate and upset her on a regular basis when he became angry"

I didn't have kids and the money stuff was all straight forward (although I walked away with a lot of debt because of him, purely because I wanted to be free of the abuse!) so I did all mine myself! Cost me £410 altogether plus a free 30 minutes with a solicitor. I'm not suggesting that it would be right for you to go down that route as it IS stressful trying to make sure everything is spot on.

I kept a notebook to remember stuff as I left it just over a year and had forgotten loads of the stuff he did. It would come back to me at random times and I'd have to scribble it down.

If you forget to put anything don't worry. After your divorce starts going through you get another form asking to outline how the abuse made you feel and what the effects are. There is a box on there to add additinal things! I put everything down, including stuff like how I had panic attacks when I saw cars similar to his or if I saw someone with a similar build and colouring to him.

One other thing, if you happen to be in the North West avoid Manchester Courts to file the divorce as they're utter shite at the paperwork! Loads of my stuff went missing and I'm still not 100% certain they didn't give my Ex my address even though I'd asked for it to be withheld on safety grounds! Others I've spoke to say the same and one friend even got told by her solicitor not to use them!

shellistar · 01/06/2014 08:42

Just seen the financial posts. You can put all of the financial requirements in the divorce form, even claim back costs. Go see a solicitor for a free half hour and make sure you have everything written down and outlined to get the best of the time. Get a recommendation from a friend. Go to lots of different ones until you find a good one! A lot offer one off costs of about £1000 for divorce that you can pay monthly. I would have gone to one in Oldham that offered that had I have needed to. If he is so eager to divorce make sure you get everything you're entitled to!

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