From as early as I can remember, I have suffered. Different kinds of suffering, but suffering none the less, and what makes it more agonizing, is the fact that it has always been in the hands of the people I call my parents.
They say that blood is thicker than water. That has been proven very false in my life. One thing I do know though, is that, no matter how far you try to run away, your problems always come with you.
For many years, I feared expressing how I felt in case I got beaten. There have been a few occasions where I expressed how I felt and I did indeed get beaten.
Aged 4 - I can't remember what caused this beating but all I remember is being called into my dad's office and being beaten severely with a ruler across both arms. This ruler wasn't flat but triangular and made of metal. The beating was so painful I barely remember how I managed to get to the sofa which is where I was woken up by my dad. He lifted up my arms and the sight of my arms has failed to leave me.. My arms had raised marks from where I had been beaten. It looked horrific and I can only imagine how painful it was. He apologised and went out to buy seers (McDonald's equivalent). I don't remember anything after that, whether I ate the food or if he did indeed go to get it. I was four years old. I used to love going into my mum's room and playing with her perfumes.. she had these pink pills which I thought were sweets. Turns out they were ibuprofen. Anyway, I used to play with the pink 'sweets' and I had an urge to swallow the whole pot but something told me not to. I mention this because a part of me wishes I did.. I wouldn't have known any better.Â
I couldn't possibly list all the beatings I have suffered because there have been many. It's the ones that have stuck in my head that I will share. Where was my mum in all if this? oh she was there. Except the time I was beaten with the ruler.. I don't recall seeing my mum there at all. Maybe that's why he took it too far? I'll never know why he beat me that afternoon and if I ask, he'll only deny it or I'm sure he's forgotten it.
My mum has her own issues and for years I defended her. She on the other hand, didn't defend me or try to protect me in any way. In fact, she would blame me and accuse me of bringing the abuse upon myself. That in itself is a form of abuse, I recognise that now. In her defense, she did come to my "rescue" when my dad lifted me off the ground using my ears. But looking back it wasn't really for me, she was frustrated with him and used that as an excuse. The same way dad was frustrated with her and used the mirror as an excuse to take it out on me. I grew up as a punch bag and a dumping ground for both of my parents. Dad would use me as his personal punching sack and mum would use me to dump all her emotional baggage onto. I thought we were best friends but looking back, I was nothing but an emotional dumping ground for my mum. it was wrong of my mum to have done that as it forced me to view my dad as an even bigger monster than I already did. She played a part in the destruction of a relationship between my dad and I. I wanted to be "liked" no, "loved" so badly by my dad. It really hurt me to see my friends being so close to their fathers. Only one friend got to see why my dad and I couldn't even be in the same room together(I'd leave as soon as he walked in). Â I stopped having that need aged 15.. I looked for it in other men.Â
My first boyfriend was 4 years older than me. I lost my virginity to him at 15. I didn't want to but I didn't care at the same time. I almost took the "slut route" but I didn't want to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and therefore proving my dad right(he used to call me a "slut" or a "prostitute" from the age of 12) I'll never forget the morning before he went to work (I was 12 remember) where he shouted at me for being a "slut" and trying to turn him and my brother on. How? Apparently by wearing shorts. This caused my brother to become very distant with me.. he later realised how twisted it was of my dad to accuse me of such a thing. My mum was in the room, still nothing was said.
I used to see my mum suffer in the hands of my dad. He cheated on her numerous of times and yet she stuck by him. It's her choice but I didn't understand her reasoning because she would later offload her problems on to me, "your dad is a bastard", "I hate him", "he's ruined my life" and I would join in on the 'hating' only for my mum to go running back to him and leaving me to languish in both of our hatred alone. She did that a lot. Fight with him, come to me and bitch which made me hate him more and more, only for her to run back to him as if nothing happened. My dad would then turn on me and accuse me of trying to ruin their marriage. A girl of 13 years old? Ruining a marriage?
I have three siblings. They started to distance themselves from me because they didn't want to get picked on by my dad. My brother suffered though. I can't say who suffered more as it's not a contest. My mum would encourage my brother to stand up for himself but it fell on deaf ears AND I don't blame him because my mum wouldn't defend herself.. so what if my brother took her advice and it went tits up? Would my mum have defended my brother? Of course not! How many times have we screamed for help and how many times has my mum walked out the room because "seeing you guys getting beaten was too much for me".Â
I've written too much I doubt anyone will read this so I'll stop here