Feeling blue and bleak can anyone offer advice or just listen to my off load

[Needingpersonaladvice]

I'm not sure where to begin this but I think i need to off load or perhaps some advice. I'm finding it hard to put into words. So many bigger problems in the world so i feel ridiculous but.... here goes. if you've any words of wisdom I'd love to hear it but please forgive what must sounds like such insignificant problems.
I am feeling miserable. I have 3 beautiful children, a lovely husband and a job I love so all should be perfect instead it is anything but.

I believe fully in marriage and should say through all of this that ending my marriage is under no circumstances an option but I'm feeling sad. My marriage doesn't really make me happy despite having a lovely husband everyone would envy.

I had some worries when I married my husband. I remember thinking I wasn't sure...we hadn't know each other very long and I just didn't know how to say no. I know it's pathetic and I just ask in some way you try not to judge me. He's a lovely, funny intelligent, kind, loyal and loving man but also very decisive and does not take being disagreed with at all well, on anything much. I wanted to continue going out with him but he asked and I said yes.

I've learnt in our 7 years together he is impetuous and he probably rushed into it too. We did the big wedding thing, i had a sort of sinking feeling and I just can't help reliving all those worries but more it's not just that, I feel bleak, I have no patience with the children. I love them but running through my mind in my darkest moments are the feelings that perhaps they'd be better with just him. He's patient and kind and I'm feeling like a bad mother who loses her temper too often. We did a marriage course a few months ago and it was great but I can't possibly share my real feelings with him. It just all sounds awful particularly when I do love him. We just don't seem to make each other very happy at the moment.

I wonder if I'm suffering from depression.... I just don't know quite what to do. If I go to the doctor I really don't want to be told to have couples counselling and I just can't see how I can share this awful fact that....oh I don't know.

I just want to pull myself together and enjoy this amazing life I have. He loves me very much, he is the most amazing father, we live a totally charmed life. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. I hear people saying it all the time - oh you're so lucky, it's all so great and he's so brilliant. So why on earth am I feeling like disappearing into black hole on my own. I don't want to be on my own and I love him but I just - I've just read all this back and it seems ridiculous.

Not sure what use I think it is posting it one here. Seeing it written down makes me want to scrap it and be happy. I wonder why I mention the start of our marriage but I think that puts into context my feeling miserable because if I just say I'm not happy someone might wonder what has changed in my life....
Anyway - I've heard that St John's wort can be good - can any one suggest if that is good if you're feeling blue? Could this just be a rush of hormones...that will go away? I wonder if I'm early menopause, I had two months of no period and now have just had two weeks and had another one....Perhaps I'm falling apart! In some ways I'd be pleased, it would give me an excuse for this silly feeling.
Sorry for the off load - maybe I'll feel better now I've put it in writing!

St John's Wort is good, yes. But it's supposed to be a support to the main deal and won't work if you slap it on top to shut up the main deal. I'm thinking there's stuff here you have to face, and 'deciding' to be happy isn't going to cut it. You've tried that already, it hasn't worked.

Twice you went to bite the bullet and each time you pulled back ( I just can't see how I can share this awful fact that....oh I don't know. and I love him but I just - I've just read all this back and it seems ridiculous. ). I suggest you do know, precisely, but you can't face it. Look, it's your life and whether other people think he's marvellous is besides the point (people thought my husband was the best thing on legs but he was a terrifying abuser, so I shouldn't put too much faith in what other people think. My husband was a charmer and made sure people saw him in the best possible light).

My suggestion is that you get to counselling on your own so you have your own safe space to finally say what you can't even say to yourself. And work out why you can't say it, what is preventing you (could be family/religious beliefs etc). Then work from there. Apart from anything, if you have buried something significant then getting it out will in itself be a huge release, even though it may be challenging to face it. Your instinct knew, and knows, something wasn't right, you have to go with that and see what it's about.

btw what you've written, and your deep unhappiness, is not 'ridiculous' or 'insignificant' xx

Counselling sounds like a really good idea - but yes, just for you.

You could well be suffering from depression and you should at least talk to your GP. That won't mean couples counselling if that's not what you want - the GP is there to help you, not your marriage. It could well be that if you can address the depression (if that's what it is) then the fog will lift a bit re your marriage.

And none of this sounds silly or ridiculous - you can't help how you feel.

I know a LOT of marriages that only survive because the people in them do their own thing as individuals and spend so much time apart. If ending your marriage is in no way an option for you, carve some time out of it to make more of your life your own, if you can.

I know how much worse it makes it when everyone says how lucky you are. My exH was Mr Right in everyone's eyes, but he wasn't Mr Right-for-Me.

And I know what it's like when you feel alone with secret thoughts and feelings that you can't share. Especially when they're about the person you can't share them with.

If you don't want couples counselling, talk to someone on your own. Just get the thoughts out so they aren't knocking around repeatedly inside your head, and see if it helps you to feel less burdened by it all and easier to get on with each day.

FWIW, I take St John's Wort daily (the max strength one from H&B) and I take Floradix iron twice daily, too. I recommend both.

I'm sorry you feel rubbish. I hope writing things here has helped a bit.

I once read a blog post (might have been on Baggage Reclaim?) about being a passenger in a relationship and it rather sounds as if that's what's happened here. You jumped aboard the good ship husband and kids but didn't really ever feel like you were making a decision that this was right for you.

It can be depressing to feel trapped or not have a level of autonomy in a relationship.

The post said it is important to be a co-pilot in a relationship. It doesn't really sound like you and your DH are. It can be difficult to find this balance with an impetuous person because you feel like they are hogging the driving seat and unless you are very assertive it's hard to move up front and ask if you can take the wheel for a while and plan the route with them.

Perhaps therefore, despite his good points, you find his personality incompatible with your own?

Hope these thoughts help.

When you say that he doesn't take being disagreed with at all well, what do you mean? Because reading that, my first thought was perhaps things aren't quite as perfect as they look from an outsider's point of view.

Thank you both so much for responding. I feel very grateful and am thinking I will make an appointment with my Gp and see what happens. The fact that I could have counselling on my own is something I hasn't really considered and sounds like a good place to start. Thank you again.

btw you don't necessarily have to go through your GP. Chances are you will be offered CBT or some technique-based thing (good techniques but it's not talking therapy, one-to-one) and the chances of actually getting counselling are slim, or very long-winded (and short-winded when it arrives, usually about 6 sessions) - you can wait a year, or more. You could pay for counselling yourself - have a look at the BACP website to see what is around. If is an issue then research womens orgs to see what is available at a lower rate. Most counsellors also offer reduced rates. If your back went you'd go to an osteopath and absorb the expense, this is no different. You don't have to tell your husband.

Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed that you posted OP?

Good question EllaFitzgerald

Thank you all. I feel strange talking to you guys about this but thank you. When you ask how I feel writing I feel like I'm being honest but frightened by that feeling as if I say it out loud things might crumble. As for the disagreeing thing...it's not ideal but should be manageable and definitely not worth me losing the plot about. I think the co driving thing is very relevant Anyway thank you. You've all helped a lot. Seriously. So grateful.

It's very common to feel a lot of fear/shame when we start to reveal what has been hidden. Keep going, lovely. You're completely anon here, there is no way anyone would know who you are xx

Don't mean to be patronising though!

This might not apply to you but I blamed my partner for my loneliness when really it was my issue as I was unfulfilled and, due to lack of confidence, not really able to go out into the world and make of it what I needed.

Neither of us are touchy feely sorts, which is prob partly why we got together, and never lived in each others' pockets like some couples (a few imo).

I needed to find fulfillment and happiness in myself and what I did alone which I could then bring to the marriage, rather than expect being with DH to make me happy on its own

Have just read that you are 7 years together so assuming DCs are under that age aren't you just worn down by the drudgery of it all? All the thankless cleaning and caring. In some ways the best years of your life but in others exhausting.

I read somewhere that living in the past causes depression (because you can't change the past) and living in the future causes anxiety (because the future is so uncertain). Do either (both) of these apply to you?. I also wonder whether there is something in your past that might suggest that you do not deserve these wonderful things in your life.
One simple exercise that often works well is to keep a gratitude diary. Each morning or evening - not sure which is better, write down in your diary 3 things in your life that you are grateful for. Expand on them if appropriate. But keep it to just a daily three and do this for a couple of weeks. Living in the present, savouring the good stuff as it happens and even the bad stuff as it happens - savouring means that you are living in the present.

Sounds like depression to me. See your doctor asap. I wouldnt start St John's Wort at this stage. It may be basically OK but might delay the doctor starting you on mainstream ADs - it interacts badly with some of them. Oh and if you do start taking it keep RIGHT OUT of the sun at all times; it photosensitises you.

Another potential reason for you missing a couple of periods would be pregnancy - if there's any chance of this, it's worth checking before trying St John's Wort/letting your GP prescribe any anti-depressants.

St Johns Wort is fairly mild and can help clear your head (read the info leaflet carefully though...PP are right to advise caution). It is a kind of sticking plaster, but a good start if you're able to use it.

I understand what you mean about saying things out loud making everything crumble.

I want to say that this
very decisive and does not take being disagreed with at all well, on anything much isn't very compatible with someone described as patient and kind.

This he is the most amazing father, we live a totally charmed life. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. is also a heart sinker for me, as it tends to suggest there is a lot more going on that is not so perfect.

I would recommend a GP visit if your cycle is not as expected. Counselling is also a great idea, as it will help you to find your voice. It's very sad if you can't share your real feelings with the person closest to you.

Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple

This is irrelevant really, no one really knows another persons relationships, and they might think you are the perfect couple if you never voice your misgivings.
But if it is important to you or DH to be seen as a perfect couple it could be a problem as things will be deliberately hidden.

doziedoozie has a very good point there which relates very much to my situation too.

Just wanted to thank you all again for your time. I'm going to book some counselling but have taken on board some of the other comments. Usually I'd go into details with each of you and your posts but maybe it's a sogn of how low I am that I just want to say thank you and haven't the energy to dissect but please don't think that it isn't appreciated. I feel seriously supported and that's a nice feeling. Also grateful that others have had the same. Thx again xx