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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Liar Liar

19 replies

jenny44 · 31/05/2014 19:15

Hi All

I caught my partner out for lying nearly a year ago, he lied that his dad used to hit him when he was young but that has now come out that it is not true, but he has lied about loads of stuff. He said he would change and had counselling which didn't help at all, he has carried on lying and even today I asked him if he had lunch at work yesterday as he didn't take a packed lunch, he said no I didn't have time to stop, I was so busy, but I know that he bought a sandwich, drink and chocolate as there was a receipt in his pocket when I did the washing and a sandwich package in his bag, so why did he lie to me, how can he look me in the eye and lie, and over silly things like that. We have a little boy together and I think that is the only reason I am still with him, I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth! what does everyone else think

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 31/05/2014 19:17

My ex used to do this. Lie about the most ridiculous things, completely unfathomable. I ended up doubting myself

He didn't change, it was too weird, I left him, never been happier.

Original poster

jenny44 · 31/05/2014 19:21

Well I think I would probably be happier as well, but its making that break

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 31/05/2014 19:28

We didn't have a child together so that was an easier break. But as you said, I couldn't believe anything he said. Not a thing. Could you be with someone you doubted all the time? Not even in a "is he having an affair" type way but even in a "well, he said he'd paid that bill but.....has he?" Normal, everday stuff?

Wrapdress · 31/05/2014 19:45

Oh I briefly dated a guy who lied liked this. He would literally lie about what he had for lunch when it made no difference whatsoever. He was a people-pleasing alcoholic. So messed up in the head. I couldn't believe anything coming out of his mouth - big stuff, little stuff. When he first asked me out, he was living with his girlfriend and daughter - and of course totally misrepresented (lied) to me about the nature of their relationship.

Run! I think this is a deep psychological problem love can't overcome. This guy messed with my reality so much I didn't know which way was up.

Original poster

jenny44 · 31/05/2014 20:00

If I could walk away and never see him again it would be so much easier. He has lied since the day we met, about everything from things he has done, to what exams he has etc etc, things that didn't matter to me at all. He know how much I hate lying, but still he carries on.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 20:03

They just lie when it's easier - even if only to save a few sentences of discussion. About anything. Mostly get away with it as well because people are conditioned to believe other people's statements unless they have good reason not to. Even when they slip up - because they usually have the memory of a cauliflower - they get away with it because people think 'Oh I must have misheard'.

It's very easy to lie to someone who trusts you, sadly.

offside · 31/05/2014 20:10

Sometimes when I've asked my DP this he says the same, and it's not that he hasn't eaten, he means he didn't have the time to take a lunch break, not that he hasn't eaten. Could he have meant this?

I'm probably clutching at straws for you, as, have you have said, he's got previois lying.

Original poster

jenny44 · 31/05/2014 20:20

No he said he hadn't eaten anything all day, as he had been busy and hadn't had time to stop, he is a driver, and said he also didn't stop so he could get home earlier, but its total lies, i just don't get it.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 20:30

So you can't believe a thing he says now?

I know you have a little boy together but what effect is this going to have on DS? Will he be lied to as well? And if he notices that his dad is lying to you, which is almost inevitable, what message does that give to him as he's growing up?

I think you know what you have to do if only for the sake of your DS.

Quitelikely · 31/05/2014 20:34

Breaking up can be hard to do but the thing that would spur me on is the fact that my child might turn out like his dad. Our children are influenced by everything around them but especially by their parents

Only1scoop · 31/05/2014 20:37

The lies are just so odd....attention seeking also....I'd feel very uncomfortable with it.

Alwaysbuybigpants · 31/05/2014 20:39

This is strange isn't it!! It's weird enough that he lies about what he ate for lunch, but its verging on him having mental problems with his tales of his dads abuse towards him (if indeed it's another lie).
Pathological liar, I would say.
I think he needs to get some professional help. In the meantime, if you don't want to leave him, you could create some sort of game whereby you ask him questions (to which you know the answers) and see if he gives off a little 'tick' when he's telling a porkie. Everyone's a winner!

I'm just kidding, don't do that. Look up a good psychiatrist.

Original poster

jenny44 · 31/05/2014 20:41

Thank you everyone, i appreciate all your answers. I don't want my son growing up a liar, i have two older children from a previous relationship and have always told them not to lie, they are 16 and 14, and cant stand the way he lies, they believe nothing he says. My little one is 4 and like you say will soon know his dad is a liar. X

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 31/05/2014 21:08

Mine let me make packed lunches and drop him at the station for the train to uni when he'd jacked it in weeks ago. Apparently he was too scared to tell me in case I ended the relationship. Which I did, for the lies. Clearly in his head I'm some kind of seven-headed ogre or something

Rightallalong · 31/05/2014 21:22

Gosh, I read these threads and recognise a bit of the arsehole I was with in all of them. I really am on the warpath BUT I will say this, he was a liar about the small stuff. I always let it go but it turned out he was a feckin' great big liar years down the line!

Very accomplished liar - shite role model for my devastated 10 year old now!

I should have not glossed over it. I would truly question how you would feel if he lied to you about something major?

If you can't hack it, start planning to leave. As I've realised, compulsive liars do a lot of damage all round!

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 22:51

I think that lying about physical abuse from his father is pretty major. How would the OP have felt about letting her DS interact with his grandfather if she hadn't discovered the untruth? That's enough of a lie to seriously destabilise a family.

What other untruths there are is anybody's guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 07:41

He has no incentive to stop lying. You say you don't like it but that's clearly not enough. It could be that it's only the prospect of losing his family that could be a bad enough consequence to get him to change - but don't count on it. I have a fantasist in my family that lies the way others breathe. Those of us who don't have to live with him just think he's a pathetic ridiculous joke and we take nothing he says seriously. His various partners down the years have all looked the same way.... embarrassed, weary, angry and ultimately 'gone'.

He even lied about changing didn't he?...

Original poster

jenny44 · 01/06/2014 13:30

He nearly lost us when i found out about him lying about his dad, but i gave in and said everything would be ok....obviously not though

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/06/2014 13:44

Yes. Obviously not. I think you have some hard decisions to make now.

Liars don't change in my experience. I guess there may be some exceptions that other people know - just that I've never met one. The motivations run too deep.

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