hit rock bottom! Has anyone else lost everything because of infertility?

[ageinghipsterchick]

first of all Im not Rock bottom end it all so don't wory too much! I just want to knw if it's all me or if this has happened to others and I am not a freak/wholly responsible. Will keep it short but still a mega post sorry!
Met DexP in 2008. He didnt really want kids, I did, we endured and DS Born 2006. I was the breadwinner, he was "artistic", I paid for everuthing including full time childcares (he had to be available for work at all times). it was good EXCEPT we/I couldn't afford a 2 bed flat where HE had to live (to be arty)....market crashed... delayed move/pregnancy... got house...I'm 39...I'm 41 and unexplained secondary infertility (thanks to NHS who go its ok, its ok , Its ok, its too late!). used my life savings to go for egg donor in spain (epic fail} Asked my mother for financial help towards go number2 (never had a bean from her) she said no (despite subsidising sisterswedding) THEN ON PHONE IN SAME CONVERSATION WHILE I AM CRYING MY HEART OUT revealed sister is having ds2 and says I am selfish, poor sister is having terrible morning sickness and I should think of someone else for a change) We never speak again (AIBU??? Really????)
Flash forward a wee bit to last April. At 43 I have scrimped and saved enough for egg donor #2 in spain (and after epic fail they say I will have red carpet treatment). DP says - don't lets put u through all that again, we can adopt (always an option for me, not for him). We start the process, he does more and more arty shit, I let him but nag about state of house while he is "resting" and his refusal to earn money in menial jobs while he is "resting" (i am senior management in a special school and I WILL be spat on, wipe bums,clean vomit etc - Hewon't work in a call centre/shop ). By October he is leaving, then he isn't, now he has. My mother has disinherited me by selling the family home and buying with my sister and her husband. (found out this by chance encounter, was never told).
my bads - expecting support from mother to the same extent as sister got for her wedding. Really going off sex after years of ttc and failing. wanting a "helpmeet" not a burden. Wanting to give DS a loving sibling relationship that I never had because my mother always scapegoated me. Just wanting, 2 kids, an OK house in an OK area, and a settled life and someone to journey through life with as an equal. I literally had to think twice who my emergancy contact is on a form today (my BF obviously but still, makes you think long and hard about what has happened in your life).

Sorry for typos etc. Had a bit of wine before posting!(obviuosly missing adult company in the wee small hours!) Just feeling uniquely screwed up/over really and hoping to meet fellow sufferers! Off to bed.

I don't think it's infertility that has blighted your life so much as being so set on a particular outcome that it's resulted in some bad decisions. You chose a man that didn't want children and who sounds completely incompatible on the 'OK house in the OK area' from the off. And yet you stayed with him... why? That's become compounded by your desperate quest for DC #2 as some kind of atonement for having had a difficult relationship with your family. I'm not entirely sure that's a healthy rationale for conceiving and certainly the obsessive aspect sounds rather alarming. There is no guarantee that, if your child had a sibling, they'd be any closer or further apart than you and your sister. I'm also a little worried that, if your DS knows you are so distraught at being a parent of one, he'll blame himself for your unhappiness.

I'm sorry you feel screwed over and I'm sorry you can't have what you want but perhaps it would be an idea to take stock, appreciate what you have and entertain the possibility of therapy to unravel what's going on.

Based on you post, infertility is NOT your problem.

Your DH's sounds utterly useless, your mother sounds toxic. With a 'normal' DH you could have an 'OK' life. The choices you have made have led you to this point, not the infertility IMHO.

I have suffered with infertility btw.

infertility is a bugger

Your mother is toxic, I agree and I can also understand why you would cut her off. For your own sanity could you write to her and explain your feelings? Your sister doesn't sound much better....

You haven't lost everything. You have a child, an unbreakable spirit and an admirable tenacity.

All qualities to allow you to boot DH away, pick up the pieces and recover. And that still could mean another DC, but in a different way.

For goodness sake, you feel entitled, don't you? Entitled to more children (you have one, you say), entitled to inherit from your mother (I know how it feels to be disinherited in favour of a sibling, its shit, but still...), and you're senior management at work but have had to unseat a cocklodger at home? Well, maybe you are entitled to more than you are getting.

Why not settle for your one child, and see how happy you can be in that situation? Keep your mum and sister at arms length and get some counselling. You have a good income, a home and a child. Don't miss out on enjoying that because you want more.

Sorry but if I was your other and had watched you bank roll your waste of space DH you wouldn't be getting any money from me either.

Your anger needs to be directed at DH and to some extent yourself for just acquiescing to everything he wants and the way it has effected your life.

Your mum sounds a complete bitch and not getting money compared to having to keep contact is actually a blessing.

However I agree with madame I have lent my mum various amounts over the years.

Her new H is running up debts that are now over £10,000. I can't keep lending her when this wastrel is doing this.

Your problem wasn't infertility it was this man and still is.

Your post resonates with me, reading between the lines you sound like a person who tries desperately hard to tick all of life's boxes, but in doing so you have not been sufficiently critical in your assessment of the dh who has really not been on the same page all along. Yes, your mum is toxic and this may have something to do with why you hung on to the dh all this while.
You are doing everything on your own anyway, so you seriously should lose the fear and ditch the dead wood.
I speak as someone who had nine miscarriages and persevered and did eventually ditch the dead wood and have really never looked back, hard as it was at times, easier than having to carry everyone along with you.
I also understand the drive to have a child when it's very hard, so don't consider you "entitled" at all.

Your mum is a bitch and your partner is a cock.

You need to let go of the fact that your mum is what she is and didn't give you money and get rid of your cocklodging partner.

We don't always get what we want in life. But you have a lot of very good things.

Just get rid of the bad.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my late night unburdening. I think a few of you hit on things I have been hiding from - I have just been desperate to be "successful as a person" (probably in some mad quest for my mother's approval) and that, for me,meant the DP and 2 kids and being a better mum than her (by not playing favourites). I think I should have realised ex DP wasnt ever going to change but I loved him and he is DS father so I hoped he would.
My wee boy is all the world to me and I do feel very blessed and am happy in the moment a lot of the time just doing simple things with him. I just fear for his future as an only and with no close relatives (exDP has none of DS generation). As for feeling entitled - I don't know where this comes from but there is a saying "don't wish for too little, you won't get it" and I guess I do feel I have worked hard, tried my best and not got the life many take for granted. But I do know that lots of people would swap their lives for mine in an instant. Thanks again, It's been a horrible horrible couple of months and you have made me feel less alone. I probably will look into counselling once my finances settle a bit!

Talking about wishing - my daughter is a great believer in cosmic ordering and it works for her. Its worked for me a couple of times but I have to learn to be more careful what I asked for (asking for a 'gangman, preferably retired' brought me exactly that but I forgot to say 'without a wife, half a dozen mistresses and hundreds of random lovers'). so, think about what you want, put in your order and go go go.

Hi op

I'm an only child and never suffered from feeling alone etc, I love my own space and company, but equally am happy to share with someone who is similar. My son is an only child but only because I have lost two children nearly 20 yrs ago now.

He and I knew no different, you are transferring your angst about your family issues in to his future, please don't it sets him up for a fail, maybe like your mum did to you?

As for fuck wit ex you kept him around maybe because it gave off the view of a happy family unit mum dad kids, and you needed him to creat another child, that option sadly is no longer viable so now neither is he. You have much to be thankful for, acceptance of yourself and your life would be a great start

Another mother of an only child here who gets a bit fed up with the careless stereotypes flung their way - mostly by my own DM who seems to equate having no siblings with 'disability' and which is therefore the source of every problem DS has ever had. Not criticising you exactly, but just urging you to not add to the irrational prejudice that is already out there by regarding your lone child production status as some kind of personal failure or your DS as having a handicap as he goes through life. Neither is independence a failure, of course. Opens up a world of opportunities that being saddled with some dead-weight of a bloke can restrict.

Glad you're counting your blessings

Enjoy the here and now. Cosmic ordering is utter bunkum, but getting rid of your cocklodging ex and toxic mum will go a long way towards better feeling.

Cosmic ordering is utter bunkum
Couldn't agree more, but I'll give it another try.