When to introduce dc to partner

[Onemoreslice]

Just wondering really when's the best time. I split with stbxh back last September and have recently started dating again.
I've been seeing him for the past month and it's not serious or anything but we enjoy each other's company. The dc don't know that I'm dating but do know that I have a male friend who I go out with occasionally. I have both male and female friends that I go out with frequently so hopefully they don't suspect anything differently.

So whilst I don't want to introduce dc to him as my boyfriend etc I just wondered if bumping into each other as 'friends' would be ok. He has children of similar ages and some weekends it would be nice for us to meet up and visit a park or something. During that time we would just look and act like friends.
Before I separated I would've always said it's too early to meet new partners until you know the relationship is long term but now I'm questioning that, as quite often I do meet 'proper friends ' from work on the weekend etc with our kids so why should this be any different.

Any advice welcome.

I think a month is too soon, sorry. Coupled with the fact that you're not yet serious. I could be biased though because my mum introduced us to various boyfriends waaay too early into her relationships and it was a horrible childhood as a result - not saying you're anything like that though!

I think the idea of you meeting as friends is lovely, but children aren't stupid and they may work it out for themselves.

So my advice would be take your time and until.you know him better don't involve your children in the relationship at all.

How old are your children? I've just introduced mine to a new partner after 7 months and even then I was unsure if it was too soon. My eldest is 12 though and she's sensitive to things so I was wary of causing any upset.

There's no way I would have let them meet after only a month. I wasn't even sure myself about him after such a short time. My advice is definitely to wait until you're as sure as you can be that it's serious.

what rollacola said. Children are super perceptive and will see through your claims straight away. Whats the rush?

I have been single for the last 3+ years, dated loads of lovely women, none of them have met my kids and i'm really really glad bout that (although it would have made my life easier/more convenient at times.)

When i know I've met a 'keeper' then ill introduce them to my kids but realistically this is going to take a minimum of 6 months imo.

I think the age of your DC makes a difference. Mine are 10 and 8 and were 8 and 6 when I started going out with my bf. They knew about him after a month or so but didn't meet him until we'd been going out for 6 months. I felt it was more important to think about them than me ie it might have made things easier for me to see him but as he wasn't just an ordinary friend that wasn't how I felt he should be introduced iyswim.

Way too soon, a month is nothing in terms of a relationship and it's no even been a year since their dad went.

Having seen the damage caused by constant men in and out of friends lives to their children it's not something to do lightly.

I would definitely wait a while.
What happens if your kids get on great, but then you split up a few weeks later. They are going to want to see their friends again.
And kids aren't stupid, they will put 2 and 2 together.

A month isn't long enough to know for sure that he's not a nutter - wait a bit. Even if your DCs think he's just a friend, it will still be harder for you to disengage in the future if he's met them. It'll make it all seem more real.

Don't be daft!

1: he's a bloke you've met. barely a boyfriend. He is NOT a partner

2: you don't know him from Adam. You've seen him a handful of times. That's NOTHING!

It might be ok, it might work out, but you have no idea of this. Regardless of your dc age, you need to wait a GOOD 6m or so.

There are stages to a relationship; milestones if you like.

6m - established boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, tentative introductions of children, but not blending, too early for that

1yr - serious relationship, holidays as family etc/more blended

2yrs plus - moving in/ spending most time together - if dc are happy with it.

FYI, it takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show their colours, you genuinely can't know what this guy is like for a long while yet. You have to see him in a variety of situations over time to get an idea of who he is, and what. He's made of.

I'm not saying he's abusive, but if he's driving the introduction of your kids, be aware that this is a red flag.

Slow it all down. This is a bloke for now. Fun and laughter only. If it's meant to be, it will be.

I met my DP's children after about 2 months. We knew our relationship was serious by then. We spent the next 6 months gradually spending time together with the children and I didn't stay over when they were there. Then they came to live with DP so I saw them a lot more, but they still had lots of time with their dad. A year after that I moved in and it's going well. So although I met them early on we still built up to spending more time together slowly. I don't have children though, and they were fairly young, 4 and 7.

Like Nerdy, I was introduced to the DP's DS (still getting the hang of these abbreviations) pretty soon into the relationship- about two months. But it was the same for us as above, we knew it was going to be serious and it felt right. I have dated men in the past with kids and never wanted to meet them, even after a year! I knew deep down the relationship wasn't going to go the distance so felt awkward getting to know the children. OP, you've said it's not a serious thing with this new guy, so if that's the case, my advice would be to leave it a while and just enjoy the adult-only time to yourselves for now.

I dated quite a few men, back before I met my now exP, none of them were ever introduced to my 2 DS.

Then I met my exP and we fell for each big time, he was keen to meet my kids and me to meet his (he had 2 DD) it was all too soon but being a bit green and so amazed that I'd met someone so lovely I went along with it. It happened about a month in or so. In hindsight it was far too soon.

He moved into my house about 9 months later and we bought a house together the following year. What a fool I was.

He turned out to be an angry bully, and over the next 4 years began to show his true colours. He wasn't nice to my two DS (and his own DD sometimes). I found out that since his marriage split he had barely been on his own, he'd even taken his DDs on holiday with one of his girlfriends - this was a couple of months before he met me! He had told his girls to keep that information from me!

I wouldn't introduce my kids to anyone now for at least 6 months and then it would be only now and then!

It's not serious, you've been seeing him for a month and you want him to meet your kids ? He is a STRANGER.
Sheeesh!

One thing that I think is also important though is to not leave it too long, because if you do and then the DC and new boyfriend don't get on very well then this can also be problematic. I think meeting in a park as friends in a month or so time is a good idea, that way you can test the waters and see if this is a relationship which has legs in terms of wanting to continue and letting it get more serious. It's what has worked for me.

When you first meet someone and really like them and it is all exciting, you want to spend every moment with them and it would probably suit you to be able to meet up with the children.

However when reality kicks in a few months down the line you may well regret it as this relationship will probably not last (law of averages) and in the meantime the children are confused. You haven't been split up from their father a year yet.

Btw I am talking from experience here and looking back feel
It was too early for my dc to meet my current partner. When we had a wobbly moment a few months ago my eldest ds was really worried about it. He didn't tell me though, it came via the school!

Thanks all. I'll wait a lot longer then.

I think in my head, because quite often I take the kids on days out with friends from work and their children etc I assumed I could deal with this in the same way. Maybe I was being too naive and like you say they would see through it anyway.

I'm happy to wait, it was just easier to meet up with each other as it's not often I get time away from the children. Like you say I'm not sure about the relationship anyway so why rush them meeting.

I'm going to go against the grain.

I've seen a lot of women wait until it's "really serious" before introducing the new man. It's an idealised sentiment borne of good intentions. It's also, IMO, rather naive.

What happens if you wait a year? By that time you're so invested in the relationship and put so much emphasis on the outcome of the introduction that the pressure itself can make the occasion horribly forced and be very counterproductive. And if things don't go well, with a 12-month history behind you - and let's face it you'll have been saying things like "if you get on well with the kids we can think about family days out/moving in, etc" - are you really going to be willing to call it off? Most probably, you'd be so heavily invested in the relationship that you'll make excuses and keep trying. And that's exactly how less-than-perfect family dynamics, including abusive ones at the extreme end of the scale, get established - because someone somewhere doesn't want to admit the unpalatable truth because they've invested too much to throw in the towel.

IMO the right time is quite soon after you've established it's a committed relationship that you hope will go somewhere. That varies depending on how often you see each other and how open you are with each other. The trick is to keep it light and not to encourage bonding.

Children meet new people and move on from them all the time with no lasting damage. Think of teachers, for example. A boyfriend is no different, provided you don't let him bod too closely. Don't let him put the DC to bed, get too cosy reading stories/playing with them/tending grazed knees, etc. Let him be as involved as a friend who maybe isn't a parent and has no interest in being one but good-naturedly tolerates your DC without actively engaging them. And don't do it too often so that family time is still viewed by your DC as meaning you and them exclusively. There should be a clear distinction that your BF is outside the inner family circle. Keep it light and infrequent.

If the relationship falls through, or if your BF reacts towards your DC (or they to him) in a way you find incompatible so that you call things off, you might be met with questions from your DC about XBF's whereabouts but there will no emotional fallout, just as there wouldn't be if a friend moves away.

If, after time, things are still going well, you then work on the level of bonding and the frequency of it.

One thing I do agree on though is don't pretend your BF is just a friend. DC will see straight through it and could possibly distrust you (and maybe BF) if they believe you are being less than honest. And why would you? I want my DC to know that they should "try out" people before deciding to commit the rest of their lives to them. You're simply modelling that.

Good luck.

Pounding - i dont agree with your comparison of partner and teacher. Children understand that teachers have a shelf life. Teachers also aren't involved in the life of the most important person in that childs life. Thus they will never be seen as potential rivals/threats/causes of happiness or sadness in the parent, i think its a terrible comparison.

Ah pounding, I completely disagree. 'On paper' it sounds fine but in reality what sort of person is able to simply tolerate and refrain from engaging with their partner's children?

Children meet new people and move on from them all the time with no lasting damage. Think of teachers, for example. A boyfriend is no different, provided you don't let him bond too closely

It's not about the relationship between your new partner and your children, it's to do with the relationship between YOU and your children.
A new boyfriend is a threat to the time and attention your children get from you. Introduce him too soon and they could reject him immediately because they want to keep you all to themselves. They don't want a new boyfriend changing anything.
If you wait, your children will realise that they still come first in your life so a new partner will be less of a threat to that so he will be easier to introduce.

Clearly I didn't emphasis this line enough:

There should be a clear distinction that your BF is outside the inner family circle. Keep it light and infrequent.

If you introduce a new BF, encourage the DC to call him daddy and let them spend every evening together, of course you're going to have problems.

Introducing a BF after say 6 weeks of dating, and then letting him come into the house and say hi before he takes mum on a date each week, or letting him spend time with your whole family for four hours say once a month, is hardly comparable. Happy, well-balanced children are not going to form a meaningful attachment to another adult on that basis until many months have passed.

But as a parent, it allows you to observe a lot and get a good idea of how things will pan out if you allow them to spend more time together.

Teachers were just one example. Colleagues could be another. Or even a child's own playmates if you've ever moved house out of catchment area.

See IMO it's a good thing to teach children that relationships outside the family are different to relationships within a family, and that while you can 'admit' someone to that family inner circle it should be done slowly and gradually. Show them how to do it and they are more likely to make wiser choices about their own life partners.

Before I met my bf, I was pretty adamant that it would be 6 months min until any meetings took place. I have now changed my view, and am leading closer to what Pounding suggests, a few casual initial meetings (we intend to start this once we get to the 3 month mark), nothing special just him popping in for a cuppa when he picks me up or drops me off, that kind of thing. No big 'this is Mum's boyfriend' kind of cringy intro, although as my DC are teens, I think they will both know anyway.

I should add that my decision (to not wait 6 months) is due to a combination of factors - I've been split from my Ex for years (so that is fairly ancient history), my DC are almost adults, and the relationship I'm in is a serious one (if it was more casual, such as the OP's situation, I wouldn't even be thinking about introductions yet).

What is the rush? Why mix dating and children when there is no need? Do you really want your children to have to make sense of a (possible) sequence of new partners?

Just because you want to spend time at the weekend with your new partner does not mean that your children do. If it is only since september that you have been single the liklihood is that this might not be the last partner you have before you settle again. Keep them separate and keep your time with the children focussed on them.

pounding - you're right, happy, well balanced children aren't likely to form a relationship a meaningful attachment, but these children have only recently witnessed their parents separate. I could be wrong because obviously I don't know these children at all, but speaking from personal experience, they are likely to still feel hurt and the pain is likely still raw.

And on the other hand they may feel the opposite and resent this person invading their valuable family time with mum, because whether the op intends it or not, they could see it this way. However casual they intend to make it there's going to be a whole new dynamic for the children to witness and except not long after their parents have split.

As I said up thread, I've been that child and so I'm likely projecting. Maybe, just maybe things would work out for the op but it's a very big chance to take I think and for the sake of my children's happiness I would be willing to wait some time.

velvet fwiw I think your situation is completely different - older dcs and you splitting with their dad a long time ago would be as sensitive an issue I don't think.

Sorry velvet, I meant wouldn't be such a sensitive issue.

The difference between a teacher and a boyfriend of 4 weeks - the teacher is CRB checked.

You have NO idea of what someone is like after 4 weeks. NONE. They could be abusers targeting you as a single parent for all you know.

I think you should wait a good long time for intros and especially staying over. Hissy's 2 years for an abuser to drop the nicey nicey act is spot on ime.