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Original poster

Does a relationship with an only child feel like you're being rejected half the time?

30 replies

Henbird · 30/05/2014 18:35

So, my BF is an only child. He is very generous, charming with other people, talks a LOT when we're out (in company or just the two of us) but withdraws the moment we're alone, preferring his iPad to my company! Is this a typical only child needing space, or should I take the hint? He says he loves me and that I'm his best friend etc etc but this is the first experience I've ever had of being 'cut out' and it makes me feel quite lonely.

OP posts:
mrsmopps · 30/05/2014 18:47

I'm not sure there is such a thing as a typical only child just as there is no such thing as a typical oldest/youngest/middle child.

many people have a face for others and a face for at home. maybe your partner is one of them?

mrsmopps · 30/05/2014 18:49

Or perhaps he just likes quiet time sometimes?
Have you asked him about it?

pebblyshit · 30/05/2014 18:50

I'm one of 4 and I do that. I'm introverted.

mrsmopps · 30/05/2014 18:59

I'm an only child and talk all the time to my DH (one of 4) who usually replies in monosyllabic answers while his head is buried in his phone!

BertieBotts · 30/05/2014 18:59

Does he not want to spend ANY time alone with you, with you? That would seem odd.

Other than that I think it's okay to want time where you are close by but not necessarily doing things together - I would find that stifling.

Do you live together? If not then this is even more odd IMO.

Agree it's nothing to do with only child or not.

Fundamentally it's a compatibility thing - if you want to be very close doing stuff together all the time and feel rejected when he wants to do other things, it might be that you'd get on better with someone who is more wanting to do things together rather than apart. That's not anything wrong with either of you, it just means you're not compatible in this area.

I think it would be odd if he's not paying you ANY attention when you're alone together and you don't live together, though.

But I must say DH can be like this, I don't mind it. Probably 70-80% of the time we're at home together without company, we're doing our own thing. I like it because I like doing my own thing as well. When we're out together or random times when we're at home we'll have a cuddle and a talk or sit and watch something together or whatever, but mostly we do or own thing and that suits us.

If this is a long term relationship then you need to be happy with the way that he is - he's not going to magically change into a different person. If you're not happy with the thought of living like this for the forseeable future, then don't continue. Life is too short to be with the wrong man!

tallwivglasses · 30/05/2014 19:00

I'm an only child and I find myself going a bit crazy if I don't get time to myself every now and then. ..but I think he needs to compromise, as it's making you feel like a spare part.

Squeegle · 30/05/2014 19:29

I'm not an only child, but I need time on my own. to Mumsnet, to read, think, generally relax. I find it very stressful to always be with someone, no matter how much I love them. And I'm classified as an extrovert- I'm sure introverts need it even more.

Liara · 30/05/2014 19:31

I'm one of many, and I'm like that. I like my quiet time and appreciate that dh does not need constant engagement.

Original poster
Henbird · 30/05/2014 19:33

We don't live together and I think that makes me feel more of a spare part when I'm at his house and he goes into 'me-time' mode as I don't have any of the distractions I have in my own home.

We do watch tv and chat and i really don't want to be doing stuff together all the time. Perhaps I need to take/find a distraction at his house and it wouldn't feel so bad.

Sounds like I'm wrongly linking his behaviour with being an only child. It just I've never encountered this 'apartness' to such a degree with anyone else.

OP posts:
TommyandGina · 30/05/2014 19:33

My ex dp was an only child and did frequently need need his own time and was also very selfish as he was used to always getting his own way.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2014 19:36

Do stop the psychobabble and theorising.its not his singleton status
Maybe he wants bit quiet time
All the whats it all mean is too needy

CateBlanket · 30/05/2014 19:37

and you put that down to him being an only child, TommyandGina? Hmm

Ludways · 30/05/2014 19:38

I'm not an only child but I still need time alone, my dad who is an only child is the same. I don't think there's a generalisation.

If he never wants to chat with you them I'd worry about your compatibility. Being older with less socialising is a long time to feel lonely.

mrsmopps · 30/05/2014 19:39

It's not very nice of him to take his 'me time' when you're visiting his house IMO. are you round his house a lot?
I'd maybe be inclined to go home if he sits in silence!

scottishmummy · 30/05/2014 19:40

I knew a man who was a bampot.he drunk tea.ergo.Men who drink tea are bampots

mrsmopps · 30/05/2014 19:41

Why would an only child be more used to getting their own way? Hmm

scottishmummy · 30/05/2014 19:42

Maybe youre not compatible and not best friends
Btw,no one is best friend with their partner.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2014 19:48

I'm also one of 4 and I do that. It's personality type, not birth order or lack of siblings.

GinUtero · 30/05/2014 19:52

I'm an only child who spent most of my childhood entertaining myself. My DH is an identical twin who never got a moment to himself without his brother when they were growing up.

Both of us value our "me" time equally - we both love to read and retreat into our own little worlds - it's because of our personalities, not our upbringings.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2014 19:58

How long have you been together?

I think it is a problem when you live apart. As in, that that's likely to stay the way he is and he'll only engage with you when you go out. If you don't live together then he has plenty of time to use his ipad or whatever when you're not there.

Maybe some would be happy with such a total split but I like more of a balance.

Taz29duffy · 31/05/2014 10:08

I am an only child and relish being with others. I love having people in my life and often feel lonely if I'm on my own for long periods. If anything having been an only child makes me seek out the company of others much more!

ubiquitousslug · 31/05/2014 11:06

I'm an only child and have been accused by boyfriends in the past of being like this. I recognise the language you use!

It's something to do with wanting time out from being the centre of someone else's attention. It's like going under a camouflage. Don't look at me, don't speak to me, give me time to be myself. It probably means he was constantly the subject if his parent's scrutiny.

SweetErmengarde · 31/05/2014 11:25

So you don't live together? Then you are at his house, I assume, by invitation?

Seems to me that this is nothing to do with being an only child and everything to do with being a bad host.

I agree with the PP who advocated politely excusing yourself and going home when you start to feel like a spare part.

LeBearPolar · 31/05/2014 11:31

I am one of a large family and relish my own time and space. Fortunately DH and I are able to sit together quite companionably even if we aren't talking at all - reading or working or whatever. Do you usually need other people to 'entertain' you when you're with someone?

I'm not sure what it has to do with being an only child though? DS is an only child - sometimes he will want us all to do something together (board game or whatever), sometimes he wants to be curled up with his book or his ipad. Am I supposed to be forcing him to interact with us 24/7? Hmm

Neverknowingly · 31/05/2014 11:48

I wonder if your partner would post asking "does a relationship with a multiple mean that you end up feeling that you have to constantly entertain them".

How long have you been together? He may be a bad host but surely there comes a time when you have to be able to relax companionably together possibly doing different things?

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