How to split up with someone who doesn't want to ...

[discordia]

Hello. I've been wading through the relationships threads and I expect somebody might have answered my question but there are so many so please forgive me if I'm repeating anyone. BTW, I'm not new, just not been here for a while and this is my new name.

I have been married for 11 years to a man I neither love nor respect. I'm not really sure how I ended up married to him but even as I said my vows I had my doubts. However, I've stuck with it and we have 2 kids which is why we're still together.

I have recently told H that I don't want to carry on in this dead relationship (we have nothing in common, don't sleep together, don't do anything together really). He is determined that it's best for us to stay together. I used to think it was better for the kids if we were together but now I think that they are never going to learn what a healthy relationship is from us and it would be more positive to separate.

H says that he will not be the one to leave. I'm not working (going to find a job in September but don't expect to earn much). We rent our house. I want to stay here with the kids as they are settled and at a good school so I don't really want to be the one to leave either.

Any advice? Anyone know what the legal situation would be re rented house?

Sorry if this is a bit garbled, it's hard to turn thoughts into coherent sentences.

I know that lots of you have been/are in similar situations so I'm sure there's some wisdom out there.

Sorry to hear this. I should think you're jointly and severally liable if you're joint tenants so you probably can't force him to move out. Could you rent on your own in the same area? Can you afford to? I agree, it's better for children to grow up with parents who are happy and want to be together.

I'd have to claim housing benefit whether I stayed here or moved elsewhere. Trouble we live in a very popular area and houses rarely become available.

H says he won't leave because he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want the kids to see him walking out on them. I can see his point. But I really feel it would be better for the children for them to stay in their current home. I think the disruption of me and H separating would be enough trauma without uprooting them from home, school, friends, etc.

hi discordia, and sorry to hear about your situation - is it a joint tenancy on the house?

Hi spacemonkey (delayed response). Yes, we do have a joint tenancy. I guess I'll just have to come up with some money making schemes ...

I think it's very brave of you Discordia, and from what you've said, I think you're doing the right thing, especially for the children.
How much support do you have, from friends and family?
It's very hard to budge someone who doesn't want to go. Perhaps it would be easier, in terms of acrimony, if you and the children were the ones to leave and make a fresh start. I see that their own familiar home would be ideal, but if he won't budge and you have to legally throw him out, it could get nasty.
Sorry, can't think of a straight-forward way through.

Hi Discordia

I am in a very similar situtation to you. I think the time has come for me to split with my partner but he doesn't want to. Not because he wants to be with me, he doesn't want to leave the kids. The difference is that we are not married and we are in our own home with a joint mortgage.

I just don't know which way to turn at the moment. I don't work and have no money of my own. I thought perhaps we could sell the house and go our seperate ways, but their is work to be completed and I don't think he will agree.

Things are complicated further by the fact that I am pregnant (which probably gives away who I am). Is there no way I could get him to leave?

Difficult situation discordia and measwell - hugs to you both XXX

Measwell i split with my partner while pg too,with our third chil. I asked him to leave and we split up,must say it wasnt quite as hard as i thought.If you want to chat contact me though contact another talker and i will glady chat about how i got through things.
Take care both of you.

If there is any family or place you can go initially , this sounds over simplified I know - I am drawing on my own exp of my mum leaving my dad - he had all the money her only option was refuge - this shook him up (as he wasn't an abuser) and he then entered dialogue on how to sort it out so they could live apart..
It didn't work perfectly all of the time but it got the both of them apart, made sure us kids were ok and kept them "friends" ish...
Good luck, what an awful bind to be in...

Hello, measwell. You are very brave contemplating breaking up when pregnant. It's a horrible situation. Hope you manage to work things out. (And when you do, tell me how!!)

I feel like Public Enemy No 1 because H has made it clear that if/when we split he'll make it clear to everyone that I'm the guilty party.

I have no family nearby (and even if I lived near parents they don't have room for me and kids!) and no close friends nearby either.

So I'm just sitting tight for a bit. I think the first step is to get a job and then see how things look financially.

discordia, if you have no friends and family nearby, then perhaps this 'everyone' that he plans to badmouth you to don't matter?
You will be able to put your side to the people that matter, especially if you warn them first (pretty soon) about how bad you feel. If you get some feedback, then it might make you feel better about leaving. You'll probably be surprised at the degree of support you'll get.
How other people will view a split has always been one of my worries, but when you think about it, it's no reason for staying with someone who doesn't love you.

BTW I hope your contact with Loobie helped - it sounds like she's been through the same thing and will have valuable advice.
Let us know what you decide.