Feel like I hate dh

[Lsmum]

Please can someone tell me if I'm wrong or if they can identify with me. Basically I think my dh is somewhat of a chauvenist - I even heard my mother-in-law say it once. He seems to think that because he works full-time and earns a decent amount of money, that I should do everything else. His only leg to stand on in an arguement is to say something like, 'Well I earn the money, how about I just take all the money away then', ete etc.

Now this is what I do: I work two days a week and study part-time. I take care of 97% of my 6 year old son's needs, including taking him to school and picking him up, organising his lunches and school uniforms, supervise his homework, liaise with the school and the teachers, bake for the school cafeteria once a month and I help out in my son's class once a week. At home I do all the cooking, washing, tidying up, grocery shopping, cleaning, whatever errands need doing, I deal with his family and my family (in other words - I do all the phone calls, keeping in touch, sending birthday cards & presents/christmas cards & presents, etc etc). At night - every night - I cook, bath ds, get him ready for bed, read him a story, put him to bed. Every night. All of this means that whenever there is any disciplining to do, I have to do 97% of that as well - which I don't think is healthy and I don't think it's fair. I think dh should have much more input in his son's life, and ds is starting to see me as 'the disciplinarian' and dh as 'someone who plays with him sometimes', which probably makes me the bad guy in ds' mind. I HATE being responsible for his entire upbringing on my own - I may as well be a single mother.

The only thing dh ever does around the house, is some occasional ironing, puts dishes in the dishwasher and occasionally puts my son to bed if I happen to be out that night. And if I complain, he pulls out the same old argument of 'well I AM at work all day, what do you do??' 'I EARN THE MONEY', blah blah blah. Oh - and I forgot to mention that ever since we've been together, dh has gotten up late every weekend, and even on some week days. When ds was a baby, I always got up early and dh would get up at about 9.00am - he would just refuse to get up early. At the moment I just feel as though I hate him and unfortunately, ds got to witness us having an unpleasant spat yesterday (verbal, not physical) which is yet another thing I have to feel miserable about. Dh is going away next week with his job, and I can't wait til he goes. I feel like I can't stand him anymore.

Sounds like he's being an arse and a needs a kick up it. As a part-time working mother I know (for me) going to work is easier than staying at home with young children and running a home. But it's not really about that - he is controlling you and you hate it so you need to talk about it, calmly and reasonably. You should ask him to join in a bit more with the parenting - he will benefit from it too, it's not all work and maybe he could think about what needs doing around the home and pitch in here and there. My DH works long hourss full time and I do most of the house and kids stuff but I am here more - that is a fair argument BUT when I say that this or that needs doing or can you or will you he does help out IYKWIM. The money thing is a control thing and needs to be addressed. You are a team, a partnership and at the moment it's not equal.

HTH

Don't blame you, he sounds like a childish prat who needs to grow up. Eearning money does not give him the right to sit on his arse every evening and sleep all weekend.

Parenting is a partnership, but the problem is at the moment you are allowing him to get away with it. Stop cooking and washing for him. Ignore his family's birthday/Christmas cards and presents. Stop doing all the thousand and one little things you do for him.

You need a good talk. The earning money argument has to stop NOW. He has to play more of a rols in ds's life, including discipline. How about one lie-in each at the weekend, etc.

Next time he trots out the feeble "I earn the money" excuse point out that he can only do this because of your input. How exactly does he think he could go away with work next week if he also had 2 children to look after and a household to run? I'd be tempted to bill him for the childcare and housework you do.

Suggest you write him an invoice for what YOU charge for being the following:

Cleaner
Chef
Childcarer
Accountant
Tutor

If he thinks he can get these "services" cheaper elsewhere, so that YOU can go to "work" then he should by all means do so.

Otherwise, he should remove his head that is clearly wedged firmly up his arse and start respecting you for all the jobs you do.

Alternatively, you could stop cooking, cleaning, ironing or anything else that you do for him and refuse to do so until he recognises what you do, and gives you a break.

OR, even better, spring on him on a Friday night when he comes home from work that you are having to go visit your Mum/friend/whoever urgently because something has come up that involves staying overnight on Friday and Saturday night. Then go off (have a bloody good time whatever it is you do) and leave DS with him for the weekend to see how "easy" it is.

Not sure if counselling would help, actually my instinct tells me that he would refuse to do it. (Having to admit to some of the stuff he doesn't want to admit to, or having a third party talking to him about his marriage - can't see him doing it). I don't know that talking about this to him yet again would help - the pattern is usually that I either get to the point of feeling fed up with him and I blow up, or he will make a comment like "I don't think you've dusted ds' bedroom lately, it looks dusty" (his latest comment). Never mind that he hasn't done any work in the garden for the last two months and everything is looking overgrown. . Usually what happens is that he will change his behaviour for a very short time, and then it all goes back to normal. I think deep down he knows he's lacking in the parenting area but doesn't have the motivation or the desire to do anything about it.

To be honest I am not the world's most fastidious housekeeper, but the house never ever looks like a tip because I always keep it neat and tidy and nothing in our every day life gets neglected. Dh does have some good points but I find this side of our relationship is extremely difficult. I do agree that he likes to have control - just to give you an example, a real estate agent came around to look at our house the other day as we are thinking of selling. The agent told me that we have a lovely home and asked me whether I had been an interior decorator at some stage - to which I said no, but I appreciated his comment. Later on in the day I told dh what the agent had said (because dh never says anything positive about our house), and all dh could say was "Yes but did he see how dirty the top of the fridge was?"

I don't understand the derogatory comment and it just makes me even angrier at him. When he left his last job (he resigned to take a new job) some of the management said that even though he'd done a good job, some of the staff felt that he was 'elitist' and they felt that he'd treated them as subserviant. Not very nice for him to hear I guess, but at least I know I'm not imagining it.

blimey he sounds more like a lodger than a parent I would gently remind him that he is your ds' father and that he should at least take over bedtime routines and some mornings as well. If it were me I would threaten to leave as well tbh - one of my best friends left her dh because he didn't lift a finger to help - one of the happy consequwnces of this was in our circle of friends all our dh's/dps suddenly stepped up a mark with being more helpful etc!!

Talking to him isnt going to work so well as giving him an example LS....I think he works on a "results" basis. He doesnt seem the sort to be able to listen to reason, unless of course there are key words that appeal.

Think he'll see better if he experiences (without choice) first hand of what needs to be done and why.

I think you should take it as a compliment (if at all possible) to your abilities (you say you dont think you are a particularly fastidious housekeeper) that you are able to do all the things that you manage to do, and make it appear effortless to him.

yes, tell him the only reason he is free to go out and earn the money is because you do everything else!

The main issue here is that your ds is missing out on having an interested, engaged father and that is SO sad. He only gets one childhood.

I think you see the problems really clearly and you articulate them so well in your post. Unfortunately it's also down to you to deal with this with your dh and not let it go on any further. It will I'm sure be hard to make him listen but I think you need to for your son's sak really. Not to mention yours! Having a husband who understands what you do and how hard you work is wonderful. And he needs to be made to acknowledge that going to work all day is EASY compared to bringing up a child.

I hope you take this in the sincere and trying to be helpful way I'm saying it - do you think it is possible you have contributed to it a bit by DOING all the bath, bedtimes with your ds? If you physically don't do it, your dh would have to....I obviously have a much less tolerant attitude than you and am probbly not so nice as you, but if I felt dh was shirking things a bit, I would siply hand him the baby, tell him "it's your turn for bedtime tonight, I'm going for a lie down"!

DH and I also came to an agreement early on that DH needed that bath and bedtime with ds as they had been apart all day...for the sake of their relationship.

I think stop putting up with what he is doing tbh; maybe you need a cousellor, as he has so obviously blanked your arguments and feelings up to now?

sorry, just read your earlier post saying he would refuse a counsellor; tough nuts to him! either it's a counsellor, or you have to talk about the issues until something is resolved that you are happy with; don't give him an 'out' as in it's a counsellor or nothing; the choice is a counsellor, or talking to you and resolving something.

Sunnysideup - yes, I am sure I have contributed by 'doing' all the stuff that he hasn't had to do. Probably made a rod for my own back. You know what though (and this infuriates me) - if I simply stopped doing the things that need doing, such as bathing ds, it wouldn't get done. Seriously - I think dh would just let so many things slide if I didn't do them. I've often waited to see if dh would do something instead of expecting me to do it, but it doesn't get done. Having said that, he WILL put some washing on if he needs clean shirts and he will iron occasionally, but it's kind of under duress, if you know what I mean. LIke there's an underlying feeling that I should be doing it, not him.

I think he would simply put it down to me being a useless wife or mother if I stopped doing the things I do. I agree that it's not good for my son either, the way things are. Dh has travelled a lot in the last few years and I have been left to do everything for ds, but the problem is that now it's become an expectation and dh rarely has enough input. I have spoken to dh about it again since yesterday (or fought about it), and so far he seems to be making slightly more effort with ds, but I don't know how long it will last. I will have to put my foot down constantly I suppose if I want it to continue, but I hate having to tell him all the time. It would be so nice if he'd do it because he wanted to.

Who sorts out bills and finances, or does DIY? Only ask 'cos I do most of the things you do at home, but DH does all the "external" stuff. Not the main point of this discussion I know, but if your DH is doing these things he may feel that's his share of the domestic stuff (rightly or wrongly)

Also, can they find a "thing" that DH and DS do together regularly - kind of a boys trip or activity - that will get them spending regular time together

My dh travels a lot but when he's here, as soon as he comes back from work he spends all his time with dd, plays, baths her, tidies up and then a lot of the time will cook dinner or if dinner is done he will wash up and tidy up. It's a partnership.

If I got a comment about dusting a bedroom or the top of the fridge (can't remember the last time I cleaned that!) there would be words. Men are just as able to use a duster as women, and I'm sure your dh is no exception.

I agree about just handing him ds and going out for a day/evening/weekend - as long as you feel comfortable. That should give him the kind of rude awakening he needs.

maybe to save your sanity, and make it not too much for your dh to take in at one time, you could focus on the time he spends with ds, being an active father...encourage boys time out together as Molton suggested. This should not be an 'option' but simply part of being a parent! Try to get this established, and an understanding from him that he MUST do the parenting equally with you and I think your situation and more importantly your ds' situation would be much improved.

The other stuff, cleaning, etc still needs dealing with but I think it's a case of priorities.

And look forward to the day when your ds is older and you can work full time!!! oh, the revolution that COULD take place in your house then...seriously, best of luck; it's horrible to hear of someone being treated the way you are. If it helps you have the support of all of us here who think his lifestyle is outrageous; be strong. Don't put up with it anymore....