Low self esteem or just ridiculous?

[penguinplease]

Just looking for perspectives really.
I am a bit worried about myself! I worry so much about what other people think of me, if they like me etc. Why is this? I am a nice person, a good friend and put myself out for people way more than they do for me.

I know this is stupid but I just noticed on FB that I've been unfriended by someone who I have lots of friends in common with and yet I'm the only one she deleted. Discovering it actually has made my heart race a bit and worry about what I could have done\said to cause this. I KNOW this is bloody stupid but I can't control the way I feel.

I wonder if its low self esteem and because I don't regard myself very highly I don't expect others to either?
How can I break this cycle of endlessly wondering and worry about other peoples opinions?

How old are you?

I sympathise - I'm like this too.

Meditation classes might be useful. Buddhists emphasise the benefit of being kind to yourself not only for yourself but for the people round you too.

I'd react the same way as you in this situation while being annoyed at myself for being bothered by it.....

FB has a lot to answer for - it was designed by two American student computer geeks who designed it as a way to 'rate' the attractiveness of female students.

Your opinion of you is the most important thing.

I am 39 so more than old enough to know better!! I haven't always felt like this, its just the last few years I've really started to care.

My own opinion of myself isn't very high due to many factors but really I should be old enough now to realise that anyone who is truly my friend actually genuinely likes me and I don't have to feel on edge all the time.

I hate myself for having this attitude, I try not to be needy outwardly but I really do feel lost and not sure how to correct this.

I asked your age just to be sure it wasn't adolescent angst :) Here's how I look at it and I speak as a dyed-in-the-wool people-pleaser who is 10 years older than you. You cannot legislate for what others think of you. You cannot help how you feel. You cannot change your core personality. If you are someone whose automatic reaction to a problem is 'what have I done?' or 'how can I make things better?' you are not going to change that realistically

What you can change, however, is what you do next. That is a conscious choice how to respond. So you accept that you're going to worry why you've been defriended but outwardly you give a gallic 'their loss' shrug. In other situations where you might have to say something controversial or unpopular the same applies. You can be a mass of jelly on the inside but the part people are going to respond to is what you project on the outside.

Ask anyone who knows me and - with one possible exception - they'll tell you I'm a straight-talking, tough old bird that lets no-one get away with anything. And the one exception is my oldest, dearest friend who knows it's a bigger and faker front than Blackpool.. :)

Is there something else happening just now that's making you generally insecure do you think?

Yes Cogito I often do that, if you saw me you wouldn't think that I am a mass of insecurity, I am very friendly and open and definitely as I've gotten older I am a much better person than I was as a teen. But I worry constantly inside/underneath.

I just struggle with the people who aren't direct about their thinking I guess, I accept not everyone will like me, I don't like everyone either. Its just that if I don't like someone I just don't really bother with them, I don't pretend to like them but I don't slag them down either, they just really don't feature on my radar.

I wish I could control my feelings better, I will spend ages today feeling quite angsty that I've been defriended by someone and she has kept all the other 30 odd people we had in common. It may totally be about her and nothing to do with me but I will wear it like a badge of shame!
I think I need to get a grip!!

thanks for kind words, they are appreciated.

No chocoluvva there isn't anything just now, in fact on the face of it everything about my life is going great at the moment and I have no reason to feel anything other than content and happy with the direction I'm taking but inside I worry , do my friends really like me, am I nice/cool/friendly/chatty/funny enough, am I good enough etc etc churning around and around in my head.

As with help at Hogwarts, grips will always be given at MN to those who need them. :) Would diversion help with the pissed off/angsty feelings at all? I have a piano next to my desk and if anyone hears me slamming out 'Great Balls of Fire' at top volume they know to leave me alone for a bit...

at Cogito and her piano playing. Can you get out for a brisk walk/swim/clean vigorously or do something else

I obsess about trivial things too penguin - one of the things that meditation/mindfulness should help with. It's like an unstoppable internal 'rant'-cycle

Sometimes I think I dwell on trivial things when I don't have any major specific worries - there's only so much head space.... So to look at it positively, it's an ill wind.

The introduction-to-meditation leader said something I'd never thought of (though I can't quite decide whether it's a good philosophy or laughably unrealistic) - which was to try to look on things like this as opportunities to exercise your capacity to be unaffected by potentially negative things. IYSWIM.

So in this situation you think, 'once this would have bothered me, but now I have enough awareness to accept it as an opportunity to challenge myself to remain positive'. Sounds like a tall order if you ask me, but it would be amazing if you managed to think like this.

Can you go out for a brisk walk/swim/clean vigorously to lift your mood?

"So in this situation you think, 'once this would have bothered me, but now I have enough awareness to accept it as an opportunity to challenge myself to remain positive'"

A.k.a. 'Fuck 'em' :)

A rose is a rose.....

You have to also see this as well. Sometimes what you give to others may not what they need, but what you want them to want. I would concentrate on yourself, and do what you like doing best, and continue to focus on yourself. That will lift your mood a little bit, and then you can reconnect back with friends too ? You should never give too much of yourself to someone in such an unbalanced situation whereby you lose yourself. Even though this happens so much in our daily lives. I still resent myself for over-giving in some of my work, and those wasted years can never return back to me. I realised that I am also not a robot, and I need balance. Learning to know your limitation is actually good imho.

at cogito .... or something else - should be anything physical - not anything except playing Great Balls of Fire on the piano.

Oh dear - just realised I'm as bad as penguin for worrying about what people think of me.

At least you know you're not alone.

I'm exactly like this. Have suffered with majorly low self esteem my entire life and I really have no idea why. My mum said when I was as young as 4 or 5 id ask her why people were looking at me strangely (they weren't).

I care to a worrying extent what other people think of me/ strangers/ distant family members.

I apologise profusely to people when it's not my fault (just so they like me!)

A friend defriended me from FB and I wallowed in it for about a month! I still don't know why he did.

If someone says a minuscule minor insult on here it affects me for days.

My other half is the complete opposite. He shrugs and doesn't give a rats about anyone else's opinion. He always says to me "why do you care!?"

So I completely feel your pain x

I am so much like you. Life's biggest people pleaser. Much to the detriment of my own life.

The thing that has helped me most is realising that what other people think, is none of my business, including what they think about me. It has become a mantra for me now. As soon as I start thinking negatively about what others think, I immediately reprimand myself with Its none of your business!

Maybe she's jealous of your life and can't stand to see you present it on FB. If you are happy in life count yourself lucky and try not to find things to spoil it for yourself.
This is all about perspective, if that's your only problem count yourself extremely lucky.