Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i expecting too much?

22 replies

MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 11:09

Been seeing a guy for about 2 months. I like him a lot.

Im limited as to when I can see him (Wednesday nights and every other weekend) due to dcs and he knows this

Now it seems like he does something every Wednesday, usually golf so don't see him

I was going to stay tonight and go over about 9pm (he lives an hour away) but he's golfing then drinks and curry.
So he's asked me to go over early and spend the day and night there.

So we are averaging one night a fortnight together!

He says he can't be available every time I dont have the dcs.
I say that for 4 days out of 14 that I can see him, one is not enough!

Opinions please?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/05/2014 11:14

It doesn't sound as if you're compatible at this stage in life. He's quite right not to want to arrange his life around you but equally it's the same for you.

Unless you can be happy with things the way they are then maybe it's time to call it quits.

The first flush of romance should be about grabbing any time possible.. maybe he's just not that into you the way you are him.

heyday · 30/05/2014 11:20

Guess he is entitled to his life too and he has to do things on the days that they are running. Perhaps he could get out of some of his obligations ie drink, curry with friends but perhaps he doesn't really want to miss out on them. This is a very new relationship and your childcare arrangements put a lot of restrictions on meeting up. It may be one of those relationships that functions well enough with minimal contact but maybe not. You could ask him to try to be a bit more flexible but can't really force it as it is you that has had to put the restrictions on meeting up. Sit down and have an honest chat, tell him you like him, want to see more of him etc and see how it goes.

anewstart15 · 30/05/2014 11:28

Difficult as I can see his POV.Its only 2 months so relationship in earlier stages so he is being sensible to keep investing in his friends and life however that impacts your relationship from developing.

Any chance of a babysitter sometimes? Otherwise I think you might have to go with it (if you think he's worth it) and see if the relationship develops.When you are both more sure of each other, the dating may become more regular.

Onesleeptillwembley · 30/05/2014 11:31

Sorry but you can't expect him to jump because if your strict restrictions. Tbh it sounds like a no go anyway. Every other weekend and every Wednesday? If you're offering so little why should he change his life for what is, essentially, a nom starter.

Original poster
MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 11:35

I agree I absolutely don't expect him to drop his friends and hobbies to see me.
But in these early days surely you want to see that person whenever you can. I know I want to see him whenever I can.

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 30/05/2014 12:20

You want the time spent to be quality, rather than quantity, don't you ? If I have learnt anything from my dating years is that, when you rush, and put yourself way out there to meet with someone, that actual date itself isn't a great one any way. It feels too forced, and too rushed.

I find dating in my 30s is very different to my 20s. There is less of this "rush" and "angst" to make things work. To me, it is more about feeling comfortable, than feeling anxious.

NotNewButNameChanged · 30/05/2014 14:59

OP, you said: "I agree I absolutely don't expect him to drop his friends and hobbies to see me."

So what are you complaining about then? What is the point of your thread?

Quitelikely · 30/05/2014 15:05

I understand why you're a bit miffed but his pals might have suggested the day. I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose. It's a good point about the fact that yous may well be incompatable due to your commitments. However I would also say that you are the one being inflexible!

Good luck

HappyGirlNow · 30/05/2014 16:34

I agree with you OP. You'd think at this stage he'd be keen to spend what limited time you can together - he'd still have plenty of time for hobbies and friends.. I'd move on if I were you.

Original poster
MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 20:05

Wow some mean posts here!

If I'd posted that I'd introduced him to my children after two weeks would that be better?

Being single, 40 with 3 dcs is not easy you know.

Thanks to those who have posted kind sensible replies

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 30/05/2014 20:13

People aren't being nasty.just pointing out he has his life , you have yours and there's little room for overlap at the moment. What are you saying..that he's the one that should be flexible? If you really like him just enjoy what you have..things will evolve over time

DirtySkirtings · 30/05/2014 20:51

I have similar restrictions on my time (2 nights a week without DC) and the two men I've dated over the last 3 years both made themselves available on my free nights and did their own thing on the others. It didn't seem a problem for either of them and were both keen to see as much as possible so I'd say you could find someone more compatible, and more interested. In all honesty I'd chuck this one back, if I were you.

Anything that isn't working at 2 months in isn't likely to get better, imho.

Original poster
MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 20:56

Thanks dirty.

I'm kind of thinking the same thing! But he's nearly 50, no kids, never been married so I guess he's always done things his way

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 20:57

But the whole point of meeting someone is that your lives start to overlap! The OP isn't suggesting some random stranger does her a favour on his nights off work, ffs! She is limited in her time off and he is putting stumbling blocks up wherever she turns.

OP, I think if he was really into you he'd do anything he could to meet up when you're free. The fact is that he's not doing that - he might be completely selfish, not into you, settled into the single life, whatever, but the fact is it's hard work persuading him to meet you and to prioritise you on those few nights he can possibly see you. I'd give him a miss, to be honest.

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 20:59

It sounds as though he's in a routine then, OP, and is used to suiting himself and doing whatever he wants. He is interpreting your restrictions as you restricting him, when you are simply telling him you're not free at certain times.

Looking to the future anyway, I'm not convinced a 50 year old man who's never had children will want to live with someone else's children.

Original poster
MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 21:18

He tells me he wants this to work, sees it as a long term thing, would like to meet the children in the future blah blah

But I'm deffo in that phase where id like to see him whenever possible.

He talks the talk but his actions don't echo that

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 21:25

You're right. His actions are crap. He is prioritising a curry with friends over seeing you. Why would he do that if he is mad about you?

It must be really hard - it's hard enough finding a normal bloke, never mind one who you really like, but the fact is he's saying one thing and doing another.

WaitingForMe · 30/05/2014 21:26

I don't think so. My DH has two kids from his first marriage. He outlined the time I could see him and the likely timeline for meeting them. I was keen so I jumped through his hoops.

I'm a completely equal partner now but in the early days he lay down conditions. It's just what you do if you date a parent IMO.

I think when you have kids you have to have higher standards because frankly, if you want more than a fuck buddy you're auditioning a potential step-parent. Are they flexible, understanding, generous enough?

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 21:28

Exactly. He's saying he wouldn't mind meeting your children. Well, in order to get to that stage, you have to get to know him really well. You can't do that, because he's in a routine with his mates and can't see you when you're free.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 30/05/2014 21:28

He's just not that into you

Ditch and move on

Original poster
MozzchopsThirty · 30/05/2014 21:37

Imperial that's exactly what I said to him today!
How are we supposed to get to that if we're seeing each other once per fortnight!!

We've sort of compromised today saying we will do one night every week for dinner, cinema, theatre etc. then sleepover every other weekend

I just don't know if I can be that bothered anymore

Ive ditched his plan to see me tomorrow and going to the hay festival with dd instead.
Yes cutting off my nose to spite my face I know Hmm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 21:41

Hang on, you are compromising as in you're accepting that out of the few times you can meet, you're accepting some of those times he would rather spend with his mates?

Compromise is we'll have Chinese this time because I like it, Indian next time because you like it, not we'll hardly see each other so that you can see your mates 13/14 nights.

I wouldn't be bothered. Bat your eyelashes at strangers tomorrow!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread