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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband not working and running up debts

47 replies

sjdmpc123 · 29/05/2014 23:30

My husband has not worked for approx 4 years now after being made redundant . Prior to that he was in / out of work for years and I have always earned more than him . He has been browsing ebay and buying small items which with postage amount to between £60 -£100 per month He has maxed out his credit card and added the joint current account to paypal so is easy to but stuff at click of a switch . My modest salary of about £1800 per month is pretty stretched and I have told him to take us off paypal but he still hasn't several weeks later . I told him to contact his credit card provider to say he no longer works but he says as a married couple , I am responsible for his debts , which I think is not correct ? This is just the tip of the iceberg in our marriage which has been under strain recently due to him not appearing to care much about our 3 children , does very little by way of housework , doesn't drive and so cannot do any shopping , taxiing kids about etc . I do all that as well as being in full time work .Basically he just watches tv all day .He resents me asking him to find a job and raises his voice saying there is no work but refuses to look ! I would love to leave and take the kids with me . Obviously they would have the choice as they are aged 12 -15 but I strongly suspect they will go with the parent who looks after them best . If I did leave it would mean paying our small mortgage as well as rent for a new home as he would not leave ( already discussed with him ) . I resent living with someone who I feel is taking the piss . Can anyone offer some advice on my legal position or has anyone been through this already ?

OP posts:
sjdmpc123 · 30/05/2014 14:00

Thanks guys ! Your support has given me a boost . Like I said the only reason I have put up with it is generally being a person who hates confrontation along with apathy brought on by continually being so exhausted . I know he has taken advantage and things are going to change . And no .. He is not great in bed , lol . Have made him make do with a once monthly sack of potatoes type event , usually while I flick through my phone messages !And he's lucky getting that even .Sorry , too much info ,but that's the answer to your question fontella ! This morning I made an appointment with the bank for Monday .He must have sensed something in my mood today as he keeps offering me cups of tea etc and is now outside mowing the lawn . At the very least there is 6 months worth of work to be done out in the garden .Sarah , he is not on JSA , that lasted for 6 months after he lost his job as you get back money you paid in ant. Ins contributions . As his wife I have to pay for him . Hopefully not for much longer though .Getting rid of the tv is an option. Neither the kids or I get to watch it much anyway yet I pay for the tv license .Ultimatum is the way to go for now I think and he is lucky he will get that instead of straight off divorce . As you say depends on his reaction . Bank then lawyer first . Will keep you all,posted .

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/05/2014 14:03

He's a leech OP. He's also panicking now that you've finally see him for what he is.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2014 14:08

It is curious how often they sense something is brewing. Hence frantic lawn mowing and cups of tea.

Good luck OP.

sjdmpc123 · 30/05/2014 14:13

Ha ha .. I hear him now emptying and reloading the dishwasher !

OP posts:
akaWisey · 30/05/2014 14:20

OP I don't think it's possible to close a joint bank account without both signatories consent. At least I wasn't able to do that with the Halifax in 2011 - not on the joint current or savings account. You need legal advice.

akaWisey · 30/05/2014 14:21

I wasn't even able to take my name off the joint account without ex H's written consent.

Jan45 · 30/05/2014 14:21

No you have to both be there to close a joint account.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2014 14:24

So many partners apparently empty or deplete their joint account at will I wouldn't see a need to actually close it. (Not advocating this).

Fontella · 30/05/2014 14:29

If you can't close the joint account as some are saying here, you can certainly open a new one in your name only and get your salary paid into that. He's got absolutely no say in where your wages, the money you have earned goes. Just give your works payroll the new account details and job done. He can't raid the joint account if it's got fuck all in it can he?

bibliomania · 30/05/2014 14:40

I believe you can freeze a joint back account, but only do this after you've set up another one and transferred all incomings/outgoings.

It's worth freezing it because even if there is nothing in the account, he may be able to run up an overdraft, whether authorised or unauthorised, and depending on the account, you can get stuck for huge amounts in fees.

If you decide to give him one more chance, OP, set a date for yourself to review the decision. Chances are he may be a bit better but not quite what you hope. He's set the bar so low for himself, it won't take much for him to improve. You can end up making a bit of a psychological trap for yourself - "He's better than he was, he's trying, so how can I justify kicking him out now?" Don't fall for it. Set the bar for his behaviour at that of a normal adult.

upnotdown · 30/05/2014 15:05

Add up all of the bills together and work out what's left. 75% into savings and then 50% each of what's left for luxuries (like eBay). If your bills are like mine, that won't be a lot and will maybe give him the push to get off his arse and work for more.

If he refuses or won't stick to it, show him the door...then you can have 100% of what's left for luxuries. Win/win.

Quitelikely · 30/05/2014 15:14

You are wasting your life op. I would get rid of him. Do not let him use the joint account if you open another for your salary as he can still apply for loans and overdrafts on it. It does take two signatures to close the account of that I'm certain.

Could he be depressed. Most men want to work as a matter of pride.

offside · 30/05/2014 15:39

I was in a similar position as you, except without kids, with an exp. We had a mortgage and a nice car and a house loan, he decided that he no longer wanted to work and he set up his own business. Admittedly I was very supportive of this decision as he had been doing it on the side for a while and making some good money from it, however, after a few months he stopped chasing people for money, stopped trying to bring new work in and just sat on his lazy ass all day while I worked 2 jobs, 7 days a week.

I stupidly continued to pay for his phone, his smoking (even though I hate smoking), all the bills and I was on a lot less money than you. We eventually split up as he wouldn't get a job no matter how much I tried to help him.

He eventually decided to go bankrupt as he didn't want to pay off his debts and I have been left with the debt from the house and the home loan to pay off on my own, and my credit report is shocking as I missed payments on things whilst I was with him. Although I can easily support myself now and have no problems in paying my way and my bills, this situation has ensured that I will probably never get credit again.

This will ruin you if you don't do something about it. I wish I had do something sooner (this lasted for 2 years) or asked for help from my family, but he didn't want anyone to know that he had left his job so I was unable to tell people I was struggling.

I can't imagine how much you're struggling as you have children but you will end up resenting him if you don't sort it out. It doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship but could end up with gaining a lot of crap to deal with in the long run.

offside · 30/05/2014 15:40

Sorry for the double post.

In regards to being responsible for his debt, I'm not sure about this, however, you will be financially associated to him on your credit report because of your joint account. This in itself will be a negative factor is he is in mountains of debt.

Noregrets78 · 30/05/2014 15:45

Haven't had time to read all the responses, but I was previously in a situation except H in and out of work for 7 years... In receipt of JSA in between, seemed to be a total charmer in the job centre explaining how he was full time carer for a child (erm bull) and couldn't travel too far / do certain jobs / work certain hours etc etc. No job quite right! Also everything going into a joint account.

Definitely get an account for yourself, with your wages paid into it. Pay all DDs from there. For me, I continued to pay him an amount every week for a while, which was what he was expected to live on.

Once you've decided to separate you are no longer obliged to pay him a penny. If you are separated, even if still living under the same roof, he is entitled to claim JSA as a single man. Then it is means tested without your income being taken into account, and he will be entitled to benefits. Need to be able to demonstrate properly separated i.e. keep finances separate, no longer pay him cash, don't sleep in the same bed, don't socialise / eat together or do chores for him.

It was hard - some of our bills were in his name and he refused to change the name on the account meaning I couldn't change DDs. So i cancelled the DDs from the joint account, and he started being chased for payment. Told him I'd pay it once it was in my own name.

Getting him to leave the house was a saga in itself. For my own self-respect I gave him a lot of time to get himself sorted, get over the shock (even though he was an abusive @rse). But ultimately he's a grown up and needs to take responsibility for himself not sponge off you.

Changing the locks not really an option unless he's been physically violent.

sjdmpc123 · 30/05/2014 20:09

Thanks for your advice everyone . If I can't cancel the joint account on mon ,I will certainly open a new one and transfer the DDs to it . The joint account has a monthly charge so I think he will be quick to end it . He made me laugh earlier ....when I told him to sort his debt he said 'as a married couple we are seen as a team so you will be jointly liable ' . I will be using that term a lot now eg 'as we are a team , you can put the washing out / do the hoovering and ...horror of horrors ..clean the toilet !'

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/05/2014 20:15

'as a married couple we are seen as a team so you will be jointly liable

Well as there is no I in team, there is F in way Wink

Bogeyface · 30/05/2014 20:15

there is NO F in way, even! :o

Zara400 · 30/08/2016 23:46

My husband hasn't been able to hold down a job for longer than 3-4 months, this has been going on for the past 8 years, he did have a job for just over 1 year approx 3-4 years ago, but it was a contracting job, so he didn't get any sick pay/ holiday pay etc. I'm finding it really difficult to deal with, he doesn't do any housework/ cleaning, he does food shopping and cooking, we have a 3 year old and he has a 13 year old from a previous relationship. My mum passed away in May this year from a sudden stroke and one of the last conversations I had with her was telling her upset I felt because he walked away from yet another job, that was the first time I told mum how I was feeling as I didn't want to upset her, then 1 week later she suffered a massive stroke. I have always been making excuses for my husband, whenever anybody comes to my house and husband is there, I'll say he works from home or he has a day off.

gamerchick · 30/08/2016 23:52

zara maybe start a new thread in relationships? This ones mega old and people may miss your post if you're looking for advice.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2016 00:44

Basically he just watches tv all day .He resents me asking him to find a job and raises his voice saying there is no work but refuses to look ! I would love to leave and take the kids with me . Obviously they would have the choice as they are aged 12 -15 but I strongly suspect they will go with the parent who looks after them best.

He's a liability.
Who looks after the kids the best?

What work has he looked for?

Please seek proper legal advice. I wouldn't stay married to a lazy man like him. There'd be no respect for a dependant man, not even able to drive or do housewir. What use is he to you?

If I did leave it would mean paying our small

mrsbrightside3 · 31/08/2016 09:27

Ugh what a douche bag. I have no idea how men like this can behave like that. What about taking care of your family? wife? home? He's lucky you are going about it this way and not going down the OM route. i wouldn't blame you for having your head turned by a real man.

When my exh was out of work for 9 months once he hated it and felt bad that we lived off of my wage. he did all the housework and childcare whilst I worked full time in that period, thats what being a team is.

As fontella as said, all good advice there. I hope you don't cave in to the sudden burst of activity that he seems to be showing.

Take control OP, you don't need this man love.

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