The good the bad and the ugly

[doyouspeakwhale]

Good - great sex, laughs, long shared history, lovely DCs who we both adore, and he adores me (god knows why) and in general is kind and generous to me.

Bad - no ambition, lacks responsibility, financially screwed, no plan to sort any of this out (and has recently given up his secure job despite not having another job to go to even though he is currently the sole breadwinner).

Ugly - alcoholic, secretly drinks, is sometimes verbally abusive whilst drunk.

Ugliest - has been physically aggressive to our older DC. I kicked him out for this but let him come back with grand promises it won't happen again.

Most of the time now I feel that it's time to end it. The problems seem to outweigh the good stuff. And there have been so many problems lately I'm starting to think my feelings towards him have changed - maybe I don't love him any more.

Then we have a lovely day out, and I wonder. The DC adore him and will be devastated if we split. And I will miss the good things too.

Don't know what I'm asking here really - just chewing the fat.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?

Every bad relationship has good times. Otherwise nobody would stay.

My benchmark is that the bad times should never be so bad they they make you want to leave.
You should still feel loved, secure and reasonably happy during the bad times. Even if you fight.

On your good points:
You can have great sex with other men
You can laugh with your children and your friends
Long shared history means nothing - do you want to waste more time in a failing relationship? Would you put more money into a clearly failing business?
Lovely DCs - you won't lose them if you split
He adores you - supposedly, and it's never good to put a partner in a pedestal. Lots of abusers adore their partners.
So, he's kind and generous. But his kindness doesn't extend to treating your older DC with respect. Or to when he's drunk. Remember that people have less inhibitions when drunk. Treat what he says drunk as the real him.

In my experience - it's not that the alcohol loosened the inhibitions so that what he said was the truth because mostly his ramblings didn't make sense anyway.
It did however remove any sense of embarrassment or guilt he had when sober. Thus enabling him to put me down, shred my confidence and take me closer to the edge than I ever imagined visiting - because it made HIM feel better about HIM and less disgusted at himself. (hope that makes sense)

I do agree with Lweji - Drunk = Real him.
And also with most of what she said above.

I also had the adoration/pedastal and the good days.
It took a long time to see them for what they really were though - My reward for 'accepting' the alcohol/behaviour/abuse. Sad but very true.

I had a long history with my ex, DC, home etc... but getting rid of him was the best thing I ever done. EVER.
I reached a point where I knew I didn't love him, the relationship we had was based on co-dependancy (if you haven't already then I suggest you read about it)
My dc adored him and still do, they have a good relationship with him without me being a part of it.
If you decide it's over then it will work out - it will be different but do-able.
P.s - I have great better sex now with my dp :)

Thank you, Lweji. Food for thought.

How can you have great sex with someone like this, I don't get it, I'd find it hard to even look at him - the alcohol is ruining everything, he either gives it up or you give up on him.

And who just gives up on a job when you have a family to support, so, no he's not kind and generous to you at all.

All kids adore their parents, whether they are living with them or not.

Abusers are nice sometimes; this is all part of their overall abuse cycle which is a continuous one. Drunk = real him. Nice role model NOT for your children.

You need to end this dysfunctional and deeply harmful charade before you and your children are any more damaged than they already are.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships?. Quite apart from what he is doing, you are doing your own bit of damage here by showing your children how to be as codependent, super responsible and enabling as you are towards your man. Would you want your childrens own adult relationships to be like yours is?. You're showing them that currently this is all acceptable to you.

Did you yourself grow up within a chaotic household like this one now is?. I can only assume that you did and also learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when you yourself was growing up.

I doubt very much your children so much adore him as actually live in fear of him. You have not and are not able to fully protect them from the realities of his alcoholism and violence.

This is all based on an unhealthy co-dependency and you yourself learnt how to be codependant from somewhere likely your own parents.

I would suggest you seek legal advice re finances, read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and contact Al-anon.

I also had the adoration/pedastal and the good days.
It took a long time to see them for what they really were though - My reward for 'accepting' the alcohol/behaviour/abuse. Sad but very true.

This has struck a chord. I hadn't thought of this before.

Atilla, on the contrary, I had a far more stable and 'normal' upbringing than my children are having, which makes me want to weep for them.

Ugly and ugliest trump everything else

I don't care how good the sex is

This has struck a chord. I hadn't thought of this before.
I would say I'm sorry doyou but I'm glad that it's made you look at it for what it is (meant in the kindest possible way)

Do read the book that Attila mentioned.
Read it when you're alone, have a pen and paper handy and be prepared to be stunned at how much you relate to what she says and how many things you agree with and see in your relationship.
It really opened my eyes. VERY wide.