Trying to rekindle the romance

[cookiemonster100]

Hi,

DH & I romance is non existent. To put it bluntly there has been no nookie for a year. Not completely out of choice, I had a complicated pg which meant no sex & when our LO arrived i had no desire. Now I want sex again but tbh, & this sounds awful, I don't really fancy it with my husband. He doesn't really make an effort, I don't feel special or a spark. If he kisses me I don't encourage it as he wants more. Our sex life was strained prior to me falling pg as we had been trying 3 years before my son was conceived thru IVF.

I want things to change, I don't want to be a couple who are not intimate, I want to feel Alive again!
How did you go about bringing the spark back? Did you ever not fancy your partner to fancying them again? Btw I know I am being awful by saying I don't fancy him, so no need to flame me here.

I don't think you're being awful. I've known lots of ladies that go off their partners after kids.

You can get it back. IVF is such a gruelling process so it's understandable you're probably exhausted.

I can't offer much help but I didn't want to read and run.

We have only been married nearly 4 years and I am 8 weeks pregnant with first baby.

There is no one in the world I fancy as much as DH. He still makes me go fluttery inside when he smiles at me.

When we have a proper kiss, I still go weak inside with lust.

He says it is the same for him- tells me every day I'm gorgeous and how much he loves me.

Even in tough times- my mum died recently, FIL was very ill, his job looked insecure at one point- we have still had sex 4 or 5 times a week.

We make a real effort to still do coupley things- walk on the beach and hold hands, snuggle on the settee, sit and talk, have date nights, flirt with each other, have a good laugh, try to be kind to each other, always cuddle in bed. He buys me bars of chocolate and eats most of them himself!

But there are times every day when I could cheerfully kill him and can not bear to look at him or hear him - especially when he has to have the last word- and if I had a weapon in my hand I would not trust myself not to use it Fortunately, they are fleeting moments and then he smiles at me or does something so ridiculous we both end up just laughing.

Not sure how a baby is going to,change all of this!

Assuming that you were attracted to each other before the three year ttc 'strain' and so on, my suggestion would be to try a little time-travel. Recreate situations and places from when you first met, indulge in nostalgia, recall some of the more interesting locations you've made love, play music/eat food that reminds you of good times, and leave the present day of nappies and feeds etc behind for a while.

If there's still nothing there, you may have bigger problems than sex.

Is sex the only issue?

Cookie - try and break the drudgery of everyday. Shake things up a little. It's hard to see past the huband/dad (and conversley wife/mum) image that you get used to with a long term partner sometimes.

I'd say, first off ask him to start makinging an effort with his appearence and grooming. Get him to go buy some new clothes. Re-work his appearence and attitude to the way he looks and that might help spark you're feelings toward him. He might have got into the rut of 'well she sees me everyday, why bother' but go out together and buy some new threads - I can't see why any man wouldn't enjoy getting tarted up, looking good for their woman to keep them insterested. You don't say what shape he's in physically but if he aint that great then consider getting him out extercising to improve it for you. Pretty important though - do this together. Go out clothes shopping together so he feels encouraged to do this, rather than just made to. Also so he picks stuff you like! Again with getting in shape if necessary, try and do it together.

Then, once he's dressed well, decent hair cut, cleanly shaved (or however you like it) try try try to get out on your own together. If both of you can get dressed up and out for a few drinks and a meal it helps so much to see each other in a new(old) light. It only needs to be once or twice a month but it will bring back all those feelings from when you used to do it as a fresh new couple and just 'top them up' every so often.

Good Luck!

Lulu - it does change ALOT when young babies are around!

Could you get decide to get fit/healthy together? - take up some physical exercise together, shop for healthy food/clothes together.

Spruce yourself up a bit and suggest he does the same - have a laugh together; pay each other some compliments. Enjoy your DC together - walks, park etc.