What do you do when you've been an arse?

[ExamStresses14]

Background: had children young and have been juggling studying for a specific qualification for a few years.

I have two DC with SN and my youngest started school in sept. I took some freelance work in my old job as it would fit around the DC. However having done it for a few months, it is terribly paid. I have been looking for employment in the career in which I have been studying. I have been told that although I've interviewed well I don't have the relevant experience for the job. Because of several knock backs I've tried applying for jobs that I currently do but on a FT basis. I have had interviews for these roles also but been told I'm overqualified because of the studies.

All in all this has been going on for about seven months. Add to that I'm close to finishing the academic side of my course (which has increased in difficulty over the years). However I failed one exam and am finding the run up to the final exams (including the resits) incredibly stressful.

To be honest my self esteem is rock bottom and I'm so close to packing it all in. The issue now relates to DH. Who is one of those people that is intelligent enough to fly through life. He never really attended lectures and somehow did exceptionally well in his degree. He keeps offering 'advice' which I know is well intentioned but is delivered in an incredibly patronising way.

Yesterday I had lectures and after putting the kids to bed did several practice tests to try and get used to the stylist way of answering questions. I have the knowledge but need to practice this element. After a few questions I asked DH what he thought of the suggested answers in the past papers. I was trying to explain how having worked through a few I was beginning to formulate a new way of approaching questions. DH automatically went into you need to do ABC mode. I backed off and he then ranted about why I'd bothered talking to him if I wasn't going to listen and so he'd just leave me to fail - as he's never had a problem in exams anyway.

I know the problem is mine - I'm not listening to him (doesn't help that he is a patronising sod at times) but I asked him for help and then threw it back at him.I don't know how to make it right and rather than wanting to talk about it, it's just easier to not talk to DH (childish).

It seems daft as it's not a huge problem but I just feel like walking out for a while, which won't solve anything really.

I am retraining/studying at the moment and get very moody and stressed. DH has had to put up with a lot and sometimes an apology and a bit of humble pie is needed. He can also get very stressed and can be an arse too, so it's quid pro quo. Maybe in your case, your DH is failing to empathise though, if he has never found anything difficult. Presenting you with solutions is not necessarily what you need, maybe you need to tell him if you need something different, maybe some empathy with what you are going through, rather than giving you tips on your exam technique.

I will get flamed for being so simplistic but I will disclaim by saying this is all my own personal experience that men like to offer solutions whereas I just want to sound off..
example:
mr frog 'how was your day at work? '
Me: 'oh so so blah blah blah...'
Mr frog : 'well what you need to do is... x yz '
No no no. What I need is cup tea and a cuddle so mr frog next time I share.. stick the kettle on and hug me. I KNOW what to do.

At the risk of doing the same thing your DH does I think your problem might be using open rather than closed questions. Sometimes you want to know 'what do you think?'... but the danger is you get a 'I think you should do ABC' lecture. Sometimes you just want a yes/no answer so you have to ask a yes/no question

Had a conversation recently with someone who tends to go off on big, unwanted solutions. I actually said to him in advance... 'the acceptable answers to this question are 'yes', 'no' or 'no-one will notice'' :)

It could be about the difference between make and female ways to approach an issue. Women often want to talk around an issue, whereas men often see an issue as problem-plus-solution.

So he thinks you asked for the solution to your problem, then flung it in his face. Whereas you think you wanted to discuss various issues, and he derailed the discussion by forcing it in one direction.

It sounds weird, but perhaps you and dh need to have a conversation about how to have a conversation. Not at an enotional time, when there's something that needs to be dealt with.

BTW can so sympathise with the over-qualified-under-experienced thing. But don't give up on yourself and the investment you are making in yourself.

It has been said that men just want to solve problems. It's often well intended but rarely necessary.

To echo what Frog has said, I have been guilty of this when my wife has had a problem or other issue. She just wants me to be there for her and to listen while I see her angst and do what I can to help out.

I think it's down to communication. Frame your issue in a way that he'll understand so that he gives you the support you need.

Oh and regards to being an arse tell him if he's being a patronising sod.

We can all be patronising at times so is worth letting each other know. My wife tells me if I am and I'll apologise as i know it's not nice.

This kind of feedback is important imho

hmmmm can't help but think you have a huge backstory with this guy, you knew with a fairly high degree of certainty how he would respond to this, yet you still asked and are now pissed off with his response???? Really??

ahhhh sorry i hadn't read this properly, ok you realised that this wasn't the best track.

hmmmn you really just need to have a completely different conversion with him about how you communicate with each other but at the risk of falling into huge stereotype confirmation, i agree with others that this may be a man/woman thing. good luck.

I think he's been just as much of an arse as you have, tbh - if he really wanted to help he should have just listened to what you were actually asking him to do for you instead of going into one in his own way.

I'd probably say to him "I know you were only trying to help me in your way but actually it wasn't the sort of help I needed. I'm sorry if I was snappy. Is there any chance you could please help me by doing XYZ, instead of telling me ABC?"

Just tell him .

Say 'I really appreciate that you want to help and I'm sorry I seemed crappy with you.
The thing is I just want to talk this through to get it clear in my head because this has to be about how i approach it, not how you would'