dd won't talk to me..........

[justdunnowottodo]

just don't know what to do.
dd2 who is 47, hasn't spoken to me for 3 years now.

she suffered depression for many years, but I thought when I re married she seemed happy and secure- she was 21 then.

her father was always absent and indifferent to her, really selfish, then moved abroad, not keeping in contact.

her sf was always kind and caring towards her, she even wrote a letter to us, thanking him for being there for her always.

but, and this is the massive BUT.
dd and dss began a relationship, which I wasn't happy with, and explained why to both of them.

the obvious reason being that if they split up the consequences could be difficult.
she said she understood, and the only time it could be difficult would be if he had an affair, as her father did when he deserted her.

dss had an affair and it sent her into a suicidal depression for many more years.
I was always there to pick up the pieces, supporting her in all ways possible
.
well to cut a long story short, it seems that she has decided to distance herself from the memories of the past, mainly refusing any contact with me, as her sf brings back memories of her past, and while I am with him, I can't see her.

I love her so much, and it is breaking my heart not hearing her voice or seeing her face.
I know that if I leave my husband, she will be back in my life again.

she once said she would like us to be together again, but "it wouldn't be fair" on my husband if I left him, as he has done no wrong.
(dd has gone nc with all family members, reinventing herself totally)
I am so devastated that I won't see her again for the rest of my life.
just don't know what to do,
please help anyone, please help me.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's always painful when love isn't reciprocated, particularly when it's a child and we feel we have to take responsibility for the way they've turned out. However, I think her behaviour is grossly unfair, selfish, cruel and extremely manipulative to expect you to do something as drastic as leave your husband before she'll see you again. I'm also afraid that the cynic in me believes that, even if you did split up with your husband, she would find some new other way to be dissatisfied with you and make your life miserable the way she has with the rest of the family. In other words, I think you've been deliberately placed in an impossible position of being expected to choose between your DD and your DH. She has set you up to fail and whilst it's unfortunate that she has had MH issues, it is not an excuse

All you can do now is live your life. Observe important occasions like birthdays, perhaps. Keep her in the loop with important information - even if it is one-sided. Above all, don't give in to the emotional blackmail or appear to be pleading or upset. Tough love. Good luck

Agree entirely with Cogito, I don't know what else you could have done, OP. You did all you could to prevent this mess by advising against the relationship with all its inherent risks. She's now manipulating you in quite a calculated and disgusting manner, it's not on. I think if you bent to her will this time there would be another, and another...

Your daughter knows that you love her; I think you will see her again. When the dust has settled and the foot-stamping has stopped, she will have to turn to her constant for support; ie. her mum.

Please carry on living your life with your husband and doing the things you would like to be doing. Your daughter needs to come to the realisation herself and other than telling her periodically that you love her and reinforcing that positive thought, there's nothing else that you should be doing.

yesterday was a defining moment in my life.
the realisation that I would never see my dd again, or hear her voice.

cogito, I hadn't looked at it, as ..love not being reciprocated...

it is true, even if I did leave my husband, I wouldn't trust her to blame me for events in her life...and she would go nc with me again.

this has happened so many times in the past...then when she felt like it, contact would be resumed, but it would never be discussed as to why it happened...she didn't want to "rake up the past" so I just had to accept she had ignored me for a year, two, or three, and just be happy that I could see her again.

I sent her Christmas/birthdays cards, but received no response, emails that have been returned unopened.
even a large tax rebate sent to my house by mistake, but again, no response from her.
not a thank you, nothing.

the relationship dd had with dss, was actually over 15 years ago, yet she uses dh as the scapegoat, though dh knew nothing about it, he actually blames his son totally and stood by dd while she had a total breakdown.

she has never married or had children, has friends, but no family who she is in contact with now.

after that, my dh was the constant reminder of the failed affair.
it's true..
lying witch,... in her heart she knows I love her so much, probably the reason why she can abuse me,

There ,I have said it, abuse me, she has done for years, yet I took it again and again..
desperate to rekindle our relationship over and over.

I don't see how I can ..reinforce the positive thought...that I love her, as there is no contact.

a previous time she went nc, totally out of the blue,

I actually went to her shop, it was Christmas eve,..about 5 years ago, I timed it to be when she would be closing up,
she took one distaining look at me,
said she was busy,
went back into the shop,
turned the lights off, and left through the back door.

.a year later, via a family member,
she met me, and all was well ,for a time, until it happened again later down the line.

it's been years...well decades... of a roller coaster of emotion.
I just don't know what I can do now.

So this 'him or me' stance is the latest in a long, long line of difficulties - previously it has always been you who has pushed your needs and wishes to the side in order to maintain the relationship , but this is a demand too far.

Can we give you permission to stop sacrificing yourself for your daughter, to put the ball back in her court, and to carry on with your life with your DH? It is simply not reasonable for her to ask what she is asking of you - it's breathtakingly selfish for one thing.

You'll be grieving whatever happens - for your marriage if you leave your DH (I do hope you're not seriously contemplating this); for your relationship with your DD if you don't bend to her will. Unless (as PPs have suggested) she in fact softens her stance when she realises that you're not going to cave on this occasion. I'm sorry she's put you in this position. It's very wrong of her.

I can see how I have always accepted any behaviour from dd, attempting to have a "normal" mother/daughter relationship.

but it has never been that.

sadly she is unlikely to "soften her stance", as from previous experience, it's almost like, "I will punish mum" then contact her again, and make her grovel for the crumbs from my table...sounds a bit crazy I know, but this is how it's been.
if I had a heart attack today, I doubt if she would come running, until she felt like I had been punished enough.
.three years ago, she even demanded to see my will, as according to her, he will "get everything" not true of course, but in her strange mind it's how she sees it.

You have choices.

You can keep going back for more punishment, of course. It's not especially pleasant and it'll probably encourage her bad behaviour, but if you would be happier knowing you maintained the moral high ground it's always an option.

You can maintain an 'arms length' approach of sending birthday cards etc but protect yourself emotionally e.g. bland messages in cards, one-line e-mails with factual news. Nothing that appears to be pleading or begging for affection. No 'reinforcing the positive'

You can go complete no contact. Doesn't have to be a big announcement or confrontation but you cease all attempts to communicate and, if she gets in touch, you tell her that you'd rather she didn't. There is a big element in your story of it being taken for granted that, however badly she behaves, you will always forgive and forget... which is consistent with what has happened after all. Unconditional love. It may be painful to reject your DD but caving to her the way you have done has gained you nothing but contempt.

yes, choices...

as it's not possible to go back for more punishment,---she refuses all communication i guess there's nothing more to be done/achieved by wishing and/or hoping things were different.

I am no contact, according to her rules!

and I must accept that she will never get in touch with me, but realistically if she did, I could never trust her again, the heart break she has caused for so long, is too hard to carry anymore.

yes, it was unconditional love for 47 years, but looking back, it was all one sided,
I gave,
and dd simply took.

yes, it is consistent patterns of dd's behaviour,
be sweet/kind/smile/then...bang, out of the blue,
dd turns it all on it's head,
and nc is the outcome.
not just emotional but also financial support.

sad to say, but it is the end of the road now.

I must accept the inevitable,
that I have lost my beloved daughter forever.

You haven't lost her, she has made a conscious decision to reject you the way she appears to have rejected everyone else in her life. I suggest you gather the rest of your family close and make sure they know how much you love and appreciate them. Very easy for others to feel that The Awkward One gets all the attention otherwise.

I don't have any wise words, I just wanted to say how sorry I was that this has happened when you clearly love her very much.

Cogito has it right - all you can do is live your life, try to see the joy that you still have on your other relationships and remind yourself that your unconditional love for your daughter is as much as anyone could have given.

I'm so sorry, Just. I too think Cogito has it completely right. There's nothing that you can do to change this, you've done all you can - now you need to protect yourself.

I think your daughter's behaviour towards you is horrid. She is doing exactly what you said - behaving this way because she has the comfort of your unconditional love and she's using that to stab you each time. It's not on. I think it's a fab idea to get together with the rest of your family and let them know how much you love and appreciate them. If nothing else, you will hopefully see what reciprocal family love and appreciation is.

I hope that your daughter realises - and changes - what she is doing before too much time passes but even if she doesn't, it really is her loss, you sound like a very nice mum and mums are special (even mine who I have a tricky relationship with - I would never do this).

Protect yourself and make yourself strong enough to accept that this is the way things are... for now.

yes, I will protect myself,
as I am getting older, time flies so fast.

I am loved by other family members (who she has gone nc with one by one)
but, ,
that's the big but!!
prodigal son and all that!
dd won't change now, I am sure.

I am that white haired old lady, no use to her- well except for an inheritance-
if I hear her name on the tv, or out shopping, I feel so sad, but I must put her in a little compartment in my head,

my dh has picked up the pieces for so many years with her disregard and disrespect for me, he is also afraid if dd did contact me, it would implode on our lives yet again.

guess I can't keep talking about this, it must be stored away somewhere, I must keep strong

Not that it matters at all, OP, but you've posted in your usual name, I think. We're all here for you, whoever you are and yes, keep posting.

thank you,
too much going on just now,

Did you think about writing a letter to dd, telling her everything you have written here?
Just a thought, perhaps she needs a wake up call?

Inheritance terms can be changed, you know? She must have had her inheritance down the years in various bail-outs after all. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional money....