How can you get 'SPACE' in a relationship?! I just want us to be happy!!

[stumpsxo]

Me and my partner met 2 years ago, its been tough. Unplanned pregnancy just 2 months into the relationship being only 18 at the time! We made the choice to pull together and face responsibility. We had no job and lived with my mum. Past 2 years has been a constant fight but we finally got there. After fighter for god knows how long to find a job to support us and then managed by the skin of our teeth to move and be able to furnish our new house just before our DD was born.

That's hard enough going through such a massive change and becoming a new mum, my partner left his job as his boss was threatening to sack him if he didn't do things for the company so i told him to quit. Another months battle of living of nothing, adjusting too a new baby and finding new job was awful. Me and my partner we're so exhausted and depressed for a long time. Not really having a chance to build a relationship with him before this stress began made it really hard for us to pull together through hard times.

Almost 2 years later, DD now 9 months old i feel we have finally started to settle, we're finding things easier with a steady income, my DD is now able to sleep alone (she had to co sleep with me for a long time which as really difficult). But now there's no stress, nothing to worry and struggle for i've now found our connection has been burnt out due to the continuous struggle.

I believe we need a big of space to relax and to re-connect, learn each other again and go on a date so we can find who we are again. We talked about him moving out but that would mean i would have to claim benefits etc and i'm not sure that's what i want. Moving all his stuff out etc. But is there another way we can get space when he works full time, exhausted from work and i'm home alone all day with DD. Any advice please?! i'm tired of struggling, i just want us to be happy :(

Gosh. Im 43 and have wanted that for the past 9 years. It is difficult to achieve with young babies. You just have to muddle through. It will get easier

Oh dear, poor you. Not quite sure what you mean by space in this context.

You haven't said once in your post whether you really love this guy. I can't imagine wanting someone I loved to move out, especially as this will mean you have less support, presumably, with the baby. You say you have a house together - who is paying for it? Is it rented or do you have a mortgage? Whose name is on it? Who will pay for the house if he moves out?

"I believe we need a big of space to relax and to re-connect, learn each other again and go on a date so we can find who we are again."

Again? You only knew each other for 2 months before you embarked on everything. So what you're doing is living life backwards ie. getting the baby, the house and the job and then getting to know each other as individuals. Not saying it's impossible but you really shouldn't be surprised if there's nothing there to re-connect with.

If your baby is 9 months and you don't like being home alone all day, how about getting a job? Would give you a little independence and a few options

By space I just mean ways to re connect, if he comes home grumpy from work it makes me grumpy, vice versa, i don't want that to happen anymore as it always leads to an argument. That's why we talked about moving out because we would appreciate each other a lot more when we saw each other but as much as i think it's a good idea and the same time i hate the thought of it.

I love him too bits, i previously was in a 3 year relationship that had a lot of emotional abuse being only 15 when i got into a long term relationship it knocked my confidence and i can't say i've ever been the typical teen. A settled family life is what i've always wanted because it's not something i had much of a kid. So things are difficult from old wounds of being emotionally manipulated and cheated on it's hard to sometimes let me guard down so that most likely doesn't help, the same thing happened to him in his previous relationship. I love him and know he'd never do that to me but with having to grow up incredibly quickly and have massives changes and stresses within 2 years along with old wounds things sometimes can be incredibly difficult between us. But i don't know what i would do without him, i honestly never thought i would love someone like this ever again.

I wouldn't say i'd get less support as we sat down and spoke about it not too long ago. He would still stay over every weekend and 2 days a week to come and spend time with us. He also said he'd have her one day of the weekend solidly just him and her so i can either go out with friends or anything i need to go out and do. Obviously if he moved out he'd have to pay for rent for where he lives etc but he said he'd give me money for our daughter, whatever he could afford and obviously anything i needed if i was a bit low on money he'd pay for it. I'd have to pay my bills etc from benefits etc. I think it's a good idea but the same time all the stress of moving all his stuff, him finding somewhere to live etc for just a few months of space is ridiculous if it's just going to temporarily And that's my problem, i'm trying to think of ways to get that feeling of us having a bit of space and not strained by each others problems so we can have a chance to reconnect without all the stress of him moving out :/

CogitoErgoSometimes Although i do see what you are saying i don't believe that is true, as we both have huge feelings for each other it's just hard to show or act upon them with stresses of day to day life

I know i wouldn't be going through all of this if i didn't love him and vise versa

Past few days we have got on so much more because i feel we've started to communicate but i'm worried a problem or large bill will crop up and put stress on us and will go to pot again

Anyone has any good suggestions, i know we need to go out just me and him, like for dinner etc more so we can have some us time, we don't often get a chance to have fun or enjoy ourselves, which is really hard sometimes when your only 20 and all your friends are at uni or going out partying etc, can get you down a bit sometimes

And while getting a job would be amazing, i wouldn't be able to afford child care, i'm trying to look for ways and things i can do to get me out the house etc and it's these changes that will make our relationship change. I have started to look into part time work but at the same time I feel like i shouldn't be putting my daughter in child care at only 9 months old..
Dont know if that's just me. I did think about a saturday job but then that means i don't get any time with my family as Saturday and sunday are the only days my partner has off, i don't want to limit our time to be able to do something together even more then what they are.

Your baby is only 9 months old so presumably you can put her to bed at 6p or 7pm and get a good six hours to yourself before she needs anything? What I used to do when DS was that age was that Dad would get him bathed and PJs on whilst I spruced myself up. Then we'd stick a couple of steaks on the grill, uncork the wine, set the table nicely, switch off the TV, phones etc and pretend we weren't parents for a bit.

Takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to argue. Being blunt, having 'huge feelings' means fuck all if you don't make the effort to be nice to each other.

"I have started to look into part time work but at the same time I feel like i shouldn't be putting my daughter in child care at only 9 months old.. "

That's a luxury that only the well-off can afford. If you've no cash and no wealthy partner, you get a job. I've been working FT since DS was 14 weeks old. There's 'nice to have' and then there's the real world.

I see what your saying about the bed time but things like that aren't really possible to do during the week.

'Takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to argue. Being blunt, having 'huge feelings' means fuck all if you don't make the effort to be nice to each other.'

Sorry i disagree to this, if we didn't have feelings for each other then there would be no effort to try and be nice to each other? Obviously we do have feelings and have been trying?

And sorry but majority of mum's can't work because it actually cost more to work due to the price of childcare.. For me, going to work is a luxury i can't afford. My whole wages would go on her child care if i'm lucky and don't have to put money towards it, then on top i'd have to pay my bus fair and lunch on top. Is it bad of to think paying an additional £40 i can't afford a month to be able to go to work for one day is a little bit ridiculous? I understand your predicament, in my 'real world' i am doing what I can already

I think it would do you some good to live separately for a bit, I had a similar thing with now DH and he did move out (we had a ready made opportunity though as he got a job some distance away).

But, it sounds as though this isn't really an option - I would never say stay in a relationship where you're unhappy, but at the moment the position for single parents in the UK is horrendous, I would not recommend putting yourself into that position when you're in a relationship.

It is so hard when you're young and your friends have such different lives. The only thing I can suggest is to tag team a bit. He gets certain nights out, and you get certain nights out. And I think that working might be very positive for you? Unless he earns a lot of money, you would get money towards childcare via tax credits. Usually you need to work over 16 hours per week to get this. I know 9 months seem young but babies do thrive in nursery or you could look for a childminder if you want her to have a more focused/at-home kind of environment. Babies love childminders as well because they have lots of big kids to fawn over them.

It might be worth doing the weekend thing as well, where he takes her for either half a day every weekend or one full day every other weekend, to give him a chance to see what it's like to look after her at home full time and to give you some space, but if he's working full time and then doesn't get any downtime that might be hard on him. Perhaps the Saturday job would be a good idea for now? Or something like work in a shop where you don't do every Saturday but some of them. That also gets you out meeting new people your own age. If you're doing different days in the week though, you'll need a very flexible childminder. This might be possible, ask around. It might take a long time to find one who offers this but it's worth looking. Childcare.co.uk is a good place to start. You need one who is OFSTED registered to claim the money back from tax credits.

I think you both need to sit together and have time to work everything out. Do you have time for a family member to look after DD while you do this? Don't think about "But I should/we should/etc" but if there is an argument one way or another, try to follow the train of thought "Why?"

I also found it helpful when my mum offered to have DS on the first Friday of every month so that me and then DP could have a "date night".

BertieBotts I can definatly see what your saying, i think we're going to have a sit down later and arrange some plans where he can go to the gym after work to releave some work stress and i can arrange a day or two a week to meet up with a friend, i'm also going to talk to my mum see if she can have DD one day of a weekend so we can do something just us together, that way we can get some time to ourselves and some time together

I'll have to check into some child care's etc and see what would be possible, i think it's just going to be a process of making a few small changes and get into a settled rhyme again, after 2 years of madness it's only just settled so i think it's just a case of now adjusting to our life and finding time to do things again

I was just hoping to post on here to see if any mum's have been through the same thing and had any advice on what they did :)

Really appreciate the advice!

I totally understand your position about working costing more money than it brings in, which is total madness. But check www.turn2us.org.uk. If you multiply national minimum wage for your age group for different hours, 12 hours, 16 hours, 20 hours, 24, 30, and fill in the rest for what you are doing now. Put this into a spreadsheet/notepad file/on paper. Add extra costs you don't have now - childcare, estimate £35 per day for a full day or £18 per day for a half day. Add on your travel costs to the nearest town. For lunch, well, you could buy lunch but at £4ish per day that's expensive. Assume for the moment you'll be taking a packed lunch. (And if your DP doesn't currently take a packed lunch, he should look at doing that too because it could save you £20+ per week) Don't forget to add on things which wouldn't change like his wages, child benefit etc to work out your total income minus only the costs you don't currently have.

On another column/part of the paper, put your current income - everything you (as a couple) get including things like child benefit. Don't include any outgoings as you might as well assume these stay the same.

I found this helpful to work out what kind of job I was looking for.

Does your partner work weekends?
Evenings?
If not then you can certainly get a part time job.
In a pub or restaurant maybe, 1 or 2 evenings a week and a Saturday or Sunday?
I also worked FT from when my DD was 12-14 weeks old.
It is definitely do-able.

I have been in a situation very similar to some of your points - pregnant at 19, mum at 20, emotionally abusive relationship which I left and was on my own, met now-DH, moved in together too soon, stuck in a horrible pattern where he was working nights and exhausted and we were joint-parenting DS, he didn't want to take over too much of the housework in case I felt I didn't have to do it, I was stubbornly not doing too much of the housework in case he relaxed and thought "woman will do it", chaos and stress all the time, no money, had to get job, insane balancing act between number of hours worked and whether it would actually bring in more money or just cost more money, which we didn't have enough coming in to cover the bills anyway. Guilt over leaving child in childcare followed by real sense of relief and loving working and feeling like I had a part of my life which was normal for my age, feeling tired all the time.

You come through it and you work hard and it's worth it but yes, it is soul destroying at the time and you NEED to make your relationship a priority (as well as the other 25 things which need to be a priority) because it puts a lot of strain on it. Try to be realistic about your expectations and keep talking to each other. That is the one single most important thing. You don't have to do a fancy date night or even have sex very often but just being able to say "I'm sorry, I'm so tired at the moment, I still love you, let's talk about the future" helps. Don't get competitive about tiredness, sympathise. You're both over capacity. It gets easier.

BertieBotts Thank you so much that was all a massive help, i'm so glad someone else understands how it feels, it's been so difficult. I think we've been so focused on all the other things we forgot to think about ourselves and each other, now we have the chance too we're a bit stumped on what to do haha. It can be so soul destroying sometimes, very good description of how it makes you feel, but things have got so much better i feel we can finally relax and start to enjoy things. We had a hard week a few weeks of go of just being so distant, things have progressed loads now we've spoken to each other and there is effort on both sides continuously atm

I'll have to that list and add up and see what i can do for work, problem is it took my patner 6 months to find one job and then another 6 months to find his next one. I'm in a city atm where cost of living is so expensive for the quality and the unemployment rate of the city i'm in is incredible. Can't wait to get out of this place any hopefully find a city a bit less depressing.

I know as time goes on things will get a lot better now, i mean we've been through so much i think we've finally come through it all. It'll get even more easier as my DD grows up, i plan to go back to work whens she's 3ish and able to go to nursery.

After 3 years of an emotional abusive relationship and 2 year struggle to get a settled life for my DD with my DP, i definitely need some good luck and a holiday ahaahaa!

I agree with not being competitive about who's more tired, i can things have started to change as just a couple of weeks ago if my DP had said he was tired i'd be like 'yeah well so am i' but i was quite i'll yesterday and didn't cook dinner so he made me a cup of tea, made me food and came to sit next to me and give me cuddle, stupid as it sounds, nothing that compassionate has happened for a while with us so i think things are on the up. He's having a hard day at work today so i'm making his favorite dinner for him. Hopefully this will be the making of us and our beautiful family will really grow now!

I've asked my mum to pop over after work and i'm after her if she can have DD every Saturday night over night so we can have time to go out or just a movie night in alone together :)

child tax credits will cover up to 80% of the childcare, and your partner should be contibuting equally to any childcare too, so getting a job may not be that far out of the question - there is no reason why you have to carry the financial burden, after all its his kid too.
Also if you were working as well then he should shoulder some of the day to day tasks of running the home and childcare responsibilities

Hi. I haven't read the full thread but wanted to add as my sister had the same situation as you - got pregnant (complete accident) whilst relationship was new and then had the struggle of the stress a baby brings while trying get to know her partner. It's been hard and they only really started to do this in the last year (my nephew is 4).

I understand that it's hard but I think you need to take a step back. Instead of him moving out, what about getting a babysitter and having an evening out? Also, please don't have your life being time with baby then time as a family. Why not leave baby with dp and go out with friends? It's really hard to forge a relationship when all you have to talk about is him or the baby/house/bills/work.

Is any of the viable for you? I know for my sister, I used to look after my nephew (at her house) and her and partner would go out for dinner (literally 5 mins down the road) but it helped - to be away from the house etc.

Also, as a warning, it seems to be working for them, but be prepared for getting to know someone and then realising that you don't actually like them that much!

Ah bugger, cross post!

Yes but Nettle if he's young too and on minimum wage or not much over, then they might not have enough money coming in right now, meaning if the overall effect of OP working and paying for childcare means more money going out than coming in

Something that I had a bit of a revelation about the end of last year was that marriage/a long term relationship like marriage is about giving as much as you reasonably can, and being able to take as much as you need. Thinking about it like that helped me be a bit less selfish as I think "What can I reasonably do to make his life easier" but also know that if I feel ill/tired/depressed/whatever then I don't have to do everything, he won't expect me to run myself ragged, in that way we pick up the slack for each other and it really makes you appreciate each other. You both have to be doing it of course. It sounds like you're doing something similar with the tea and cuddles example :)

As DD gets older and you have more time, money, etc, I agree with Handbag that it's important for both of you to have separate interests too so that you have other topics of discussion other than DD, his work, bills, family stuff.

Oops I totally got distracted from my first paragraph

It's been a few years since I was in the position now, but I do remember DH (then DP) saying "We can't cover everything we have coming in, you're going to have to get a job" and me researching and then being astounded to find that even if I got a job and we had more money coming in we'd have even more going out and hence be even less able to cover the bills that we had. I think there was one combination of hours which made it worthwhile but it meant DH collecting DS early when he hadn't really had enough sleep and I had to be really careful with the amount of hours I did.

However I was studying, as well, so my childcare costs were higher than they would have been if I was only working.