Doubts

[Justme21]

I have been with my new partner for a year. We get on great and love each other to bits. He has asked me to move in with him. But I have doubts. Do doubts always mean you should say no? Or are doubts a good thing?

Dont move in if you have doubts. What are the doubts? If everything is great why not just not move in?

Depends what the doubts are really. Generally speaking, I think you should always take time to work out what exactly is bothering you about a situation rather than assume it's something trivial. If you love each other to bits it doesn't matter if you move in now or think about it some more and wait another year. If your doubts are based on something fairly serious and you've taken the plunge and moved in, then it's a helluva job getting yourself back out.

I suppose he is pushing me to move in. So I am on a time scale. There is a bit more to it. And lots of other problems. So not so straightforward. My doubts are that he may get fed up of me and walk away or kick me out. That it won't work. That he will find someone better. Silly things I know but very real to me

Never let anyone push you into doing something you don't want. In fact, take a really dim view of someone that thinks it's their place to push you.... If you are insecure in yourself or in the relationship, that's a legitimate feeling and you won't feel any more secure if you are being coerced - however pleasant he may be or however well-meaning. If you value your independence and don't want to sacrifice it before you're ready, that's also legitimate.

BTW when you say there is a time-scale... do you mean that there's some kind of deadline in place? Landlord notice period, for example? Or are you being told that if you don't move in with him by a particular time, there's a problem?

He has organised a family meal to welcome me to the new house. So I have to move in before then. I am not independent. Haven't ever been that way and I don't want to be. I want to be part of a couple. I just have niggling doubts. He tries to reassure me.but who knows what the future holds

You don't have to do anything. Especially not just because someone's organised a meal. He may well be a lovely person but setting a deadline like that is coercive, however well-intentioned. If you are unsure, he should take you seriously. Please listen to your doubts. If you think you're ignoring important reservations because you're so anxious to be part of a couple that it's fogging your judgement, you wouldn't be the first person to make that mistake.

Thank you for your advice and being so kind to reply. I don't have any friends or family that I could talk to. So here is the next best thing. I really appreciate your advice

You're welcome. How far away is this family meal? And have you told him that you're not ready to move in?

This weekend!! And yes he knows. He just says the doubts will go away once I move in

That's not the reaction of someone who respects your feelings, I'm sorry. Your fears and doubts about this may be rational or irrational, and I'm sure he's keen for you to move in, but he should take you seriously and move at your speed rather than dismissing it as nothing.

When you say 'family meal' how big are we talking? Caterers or a few sausages on the BBQ?

Think there will only be 6 of us there. So only small

OK so it's not even like he's gone to some massive expense and would be hugely inconvenienced or embarrassed. It's your life and the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Enjoy the family meal but also enjoy having your own place to go back to.

Moving in is the next stage imo. If you are reluctant examine why. Should you be dating if there are question marks? Perhaps you worry it feels too good to be true.

It can be nice feeling looked after and protected but as time goes on you might wonder if he rather likes you to be needy or dependent. Part of a mature relationship is allowing for one's partner to grow and develop; not stand still in the role they assign us.

If you are looking for different things then it might be time to quit. Are you able to give us a little more information about the problems you refer to?

PS I don't think a meal he has organised should sway you if there's a nagging voice telling you to stop and hold back.

Could you text and say you're not quite ready to move in but will still come for the meal? Also if you're having doubts then I think you should listen to them! I wish if listened to my past doubts!

I think that you should follow your instinct. If this weekend is too soon then wait.
If him and his family can't welcome you another day then you were right not to move.

I say listen to your instincts too. He should respect the fact you don't want to move in yet and go at your pace. There's no rush. I would say you're looking forward to the meal but he needs to tell them it's not about you moving in yet because you're not ready. His reaction to you saying that will be important. Be very wary if he's annoyed at all, and reassured if he's ok with it.

hang on the family meal he has arranged is ^in honour of you moving into the new house6?

so he's already told them you're moving in, its a fait accompli?

Er I don't think he is listening to what you are saying. You shouldn't be pressured to move in yet if you're not ready and him telling you the doubts will disappear once you've moved in is just a means of him getting his own way.

Do it when you are good and ready, fine to talk about the 'next stage' of your relationship and what you both want for the future but please don't move in at his insistence.