Shit...

[DebLister]

Nearly 4 years after leaving the Ex, he's still fucking my life up.

Long story as short as I cam make it: After nearly 10 years together, I realised it wasn't working and I wasn't prepared to waste any more time on the relationship. This coincided with a friend (single dad of 2) that I suppose I'd been having an emotional affair with on and off for a while declaring his love for me. I was falling for him too, and as I had nowhere else to go, left the ex & moved in with current DP. DP & I now have DD (2) to add to DSS 1&2.

ExP strung me along for 2 years with every excuse he could find to avoid taking my name off the joint mortgage we had. He then stopped paying the mortgage the month after DD was born. I couldn't pay, the place was repossessed at the start of last year (after he lived there until a week or so before the eviction date), and the place was sold a few months later with a shortfall. ExP went to ground after leaving the former joint home and I'm still trying to find the bastard to make him pay his share. Due to that & other debts incurred while with ExP, I'm now paying a debt management plan (DMP) that will take me 15 years to pay off.

DP is self employed & our CM for DD doesn't work in the school hols. Work has been slow for a few years, but now it's picking up, he can't take on odd jobs he's been offered because it's half term and he's got DD to look after. Found out this evening that we're behind on the rent, so he's seriously stressing & is convincing himself that we'll be homeless by the middle of the summer holidays. This is not helped as DSS1 will be 16 this autumn & he says that the tax credits he's claiming (which pays the rent & household bills) will be cut drastically. DP is adamant that the money that I'm paying for my DMP (a huge £150 p/m) is the source of all our troubles.

A (female) friend is moving back to town next month. I'm now considering asking her if I can move in with her. I love DP, but I'm struggling to see how we can stay together at the moment.

Is there more to the issue than the £150?

Why didn't he tell you about being behind on the rent before now?

I don't know if I'd leave if it's just about the £150, but if he refused to work on a budget or talk about changing things (new CM for the school holidays so he can work for example), it's a sign of deeper troubles.

I appreciate that he's self-employed, but if it's not helping the bills, he needs to do more.

DP does work to a budget. DD has been with her CM for over a year & they're possibly the cheapest around & really good - DP wants to change CMs to find one that will work through the hols, but they would all be further away from our house.

He says he had told me about being behind, but I really can't remember him saying anything. He's got 2 large payments due soon (one of which is a low 5 figure compensation payment after an assault - been waiting for that for months), but no idea on dates.

I agree with Fab. I think you'd benefit from some time being single instead of going from one relationship to the next.

It's the guilt - DP's ExW walked out on him & their sons (she has overnight contact 2 or 3 nights a week). I don't feel I could do that to the boys again (the eldest was hit particularly hard).

Feel like going to the docs to be signed off on the sick for a month during the summer hols.

Have to leave for work in 15 minutes - will be asking my boss for time to ring the debt charity for advice & the building society the mortgage with ExP was with to find out if they are actually doing anything to trace the Ibastard. Almost feel like that if I separated from DP for a while, I could just go bankrupt & have everything written off (and make ExP solely liable for the joint debts - only what he deserves). My most significant assets other than DD are a second hand laptop, a second hand camera & maybe a few pieces of jewellery (not a lot though - about 1 necklace & bracelet set that would be worth more than a couple of quid). Fuck all really...

I agree with PP.
You should get to CAB and get some advice on benefits you would be entitled to when you leave.
You need to spend some time on your own 'finding yourself'
You didn't have a break from one relationship to the next.
I think you're now finding that you need that break.
And as a family, you need to sit down and plan out a budget between you all!

CAB were useless when I was first dealing with the finance stuff re ExP - got no good advice from them, so not exactly my first port of call.

Actually ended up at a CAP drop in session yesterday morning - nice to have someone to talk to. Will be having another talk with the support worker who's on a trainign course this week when that can be arranged. Also found out that the building society deceide last year to split the mortgage shortfall 50/50 between myself & ExP, so I'm no longer liable for the full amount - would have been nice if they had told me that at the time they made that decision!!!

Also spoke to the CM - I'm getting the impression they couldn't have DD last summer due to their ratios because they have the school age children in the day instead. However, this year she's 2 so they'll be able to fit her in for at least a few days.

DP has calmed down since I've told him all this. It's likely to be a tight summer, but he's waiting for 2 sizable paydays which would see us clear well in to next year without anything else - problem is not having a bloody date as to when they're going to turn up!