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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel sickened by my DMs attitude this evening

20 replies

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 01:43

She has always been pretty opinionated (especially in areas such as politics, child rearing etc). She genuinely thinks that her way is the only right way.

She has one friend specifically who has quite different opinions on the topics above, however having been friends for thirty odd years they obviously have other things in common etc.

Lately, maybe the last year or two, DMs general tolerance for others has reduced, her judgy pants are generally hoiked a bit higher and she has adopted quite a smug attitude towards anyone that does things differently to her.

Sober, she is tolerable and, in the main, a nice person.

When she is drunk, she is a PITA and tonight I witnessed a frankly disgusting personal attack on the Friend I mentioned at the top. They had both had wine, Friend had had just under a bottle of wine, DM had had nearly three. I was sober having popped in on passing quite late into the evening.

DM was incredibly rude to Friend every time she spoke about anything and thinking it was down to the volume of alcohol I busied myself in changing the conversation each time it soured. I was shocked at (1) quite how brutal she waa being and (2) that Friend was simply accepting being spoken to like that.

When my DM stepped out of the room I asked Friend if she was ok and she said "no but I am trying" and her eyes were fillig up. I offered her a lift home whenever she needed it.

Evebtually DMs attitude got so bad that Friend said it was time to go. I dropped her home and said I hoped she was OK and I was disgusted at the way she had been spoken to. She then told me DM was like that the whole night, and is even like that when she visits Friend in her own home. Friend says she feels picked on for having different opinions, different politics and that DM focusses on them abd basically belittles her all the time.

DM has grown up children now, and Friends child is still primary age, and DM expects Friend to be as avaliable and social as she herself is, and fails to factor in that Friend is working ft, has a child and is a lone parent.

Sorry this is so long Sad

As DM lives right next to me, I popped back in on my way home to see if her other friend needed running home (walking the two streets is an option but I was free and thought itd be nice). DM attacks me verbally as soon as I walk back in - what the hell is the matter with you blah blah. I said In here to offer Other Friend a lift home. Long and short of it I said how shocked I was at the treatment of her Friend and that Ive never seen anyone speak so badly to someone they are close to. I said Id not go into it tonight but maybe she should go see Friend when she sobers up tomorrow and has a chat

I was told repeatedly "just go away". So I did.

I feel so so angry and disgusted at how nasty she was to her friend tonight. And of the revelation that she has been like this with her for some time.

All I can think to do is talk to my dad about it.....but what do I say!? Imo she needs to have a sober talk with the friend. She needs to maybe address her drinking. She turns truly awful when she has a drink, even more so lately.

I want to know if he has seen a change in her the last year or so. I know I have and I dont even live with her.

Thank you for reading so far and if anyone can help with what they think my next step should be, and offer any advice.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 29/05/2014 02:21

Firstly, sorry you're going through this.

Secondly, no point trying to have a rational conversation with someone who's drunk.
Thirdly, YES, you need to talk to dad to ascertain his thoughts about her drinking.
You may want to contact AlAnon. I did it when my sis was drinking too much and it helped me. Take care. One day at a time

MistressDeeCee · 29/05/2014 02:43

Your DM sounds like an alcoholic bully. Im not sure what you can do about friend, who needs to stand up for herself actually. I would definetely have a word with your dad tho, see what he thinks. Then again if your DM only behaves like this with her friend (possibly because she wouldnt get away with it with anyone else) then what's to do, really? She could be a fully functioning belligerent drunk. Its not illegal.

Im more concerned that friend has a child and is allowing a drunken bully into her home. Thats unacceptable, I really hope her child doesn't hear her being spoken to like that. As a lone parent, friend probably has enough to contend with. Its the friend that needs help..I can't see how that will happen though unless she grows a backbone and tells your DM to get lost. Good luck with talking to your dad

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 06:28

Morning, sorry, had to get some shuteye last night.

Her behaviour was absoloutley bullying last night,I suppose I didnt see that, was just utterly shocked at her
behaviour but clearly that is what she has been doing.

Yes, she must have a problem with alcohol. She will refuse to accept anyone telling her she is an alcoholic because she doesnt drink daily, doesnt rely on alcohol and doesnt drink alone. However she clearly binges when she does drink and as mentioned, becomes unbearable.

She is the sort of woman who refuses to beleive that Depression exists - people simply need to get out and get some fresh air. Her views are exceptionally rigid.

She was meant ti have dd this afternoon (2.5) for a few hours but DH is going to ask his family to step in with dd until Ive had a chance at least to talk to her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2014 06:46

I doubt very much your Dad will be of much if any help here. Your Dad knows all too well what his wife is like and enables her as well in her drinking. He may well has or continues to bury his head in the sand.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend; your mother is no different. Denial is a powerful force and is often seen in alcoholics as well.

I would detach yourself both physically and emotionally from your parents further and talk also to Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 06:53

I dont know how much my dad realises tbh. She socialises with Friend without him for the most part. He was in bed asleep last night as he works hard and goes to bed quite early.

Her evenings with Friend are maybe every two/three months. She does socialise with other friends but maybe once every three weeks or so.

There was a joint friend there last night who had barely anything to drink but who had left before I arrived. I want to call and speak to her today to see what it was like before I get there.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 08:42

Well she has tried to get in touch to apologise to me this morning however I an at work so can only get online, cant text/call.

Ive suggested she apologises to Friend.

She called Friend and instantly demanded to know why Friend was so horrible to her!!

OP posts:
littlegreenlight1 · 29/05/2014 09:54

My mum is a cow when she drinks, has been since I can remember.
Nothing anyone has ever said has made a blind bit of difference.
I have absolutely no advice just wanted to wave, know how it feels!

oldgrandmama · 29/05/2014 10:01

She drank THREE bottles of wine in an evening? Bloody hell. She sounds an absolute nightmare and I shudder to think of the state of her liver.
I hope she lays off the booze when she looks after your daughter. Other than that, you can't force her to see GP, go to AA. Your dad sounds an enabler. What an absolutely awful situation for you - and surely your mother's friend must soon have had enough of being treated like that?

Casmama · 29/05/2014 10:07

I think you speak to your dad about whether he thinks she has a problem with alcohol.

As almost a separate issue you tell her that you were appalled by her behaviour and ashamed of her. Tell her that drinking that amount in one night is about double what she should be drinking in a week. Tell her also that you feel her behaviour has changed in the past year and it concerns her and also tell her that you will not be around her if she is consuming alcohol.
In other words get tough. I don't think it is approppriate for you to go looking to the other friend for information- what more do you need to know? That, IMO, would give your mum reason to get annoyed and at the moment she is completely in the wrong so don't give her grounds to deflect the issues by you doing something a little underhand.

Casmama · 29/05/2014 10:08

Sorry - her behaviour concerns you.

Longtalljosie · 29/05/2014 10:10

I think you need to advise Friend to walk away.

scarletforya · 29/05/2014 10:17

Three bottles of wine! Does she remember anything!?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 29/05/2014 10:17

My mil can be a real bitch when drunk. She refuses to eat as "it will make her fat" at events but tanks the wine. Then goes sour cats bum mouth and spouts stuff the DM refuses to print!

She's totally enabled by the family and indulged and the laughed at. It really ain't pretty. Dunno what to do about it. But just letting you know this is common. Very common. :(

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 29/05/2014 10:19

3 bottles of wine? Sounds above normal but dunno should reach the level of hysteria of some posters above.

Depends. 3 bottles unusual? Or every night?

Squeegle · 29/05/2014 10:25

3 bottles is an extraordinary amount of wine for one person who is not an alcoholic.

And I say that as someone who has lived with an alcoholic. And as someone who likes a drink myself. In fact I had the equivalent of a bottle last night- and that's FAR too much!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 10:30

A normal night with friends would see her drink a bottle,begin to slur and get mouthy then find someone to share a second bottle with her. Three bottles is a lot more than she would usually drink, however she doesnt appear to get hungover so I dont think she realises quite the effect it will have on her body.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 29/05/2014 10:37

I agree it's impossible to tackle someone when they're drunk. I think you have an opportunity to say something to her today about how bad her behaviour was. I would advise friend to keep away and tell your mum why. Things like that do have an effect in the end. But you or your dad won't be able to do anything (eg control how much she drinks). That has to come from the realisation that her drinking is causing her to alienate friends and family.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 10:48

My dads mum had alcohol issues when he was growing up abd when I was little. Dmum was so so against Gran and her clear reliance on alcohol, and if she ever babysat was left a two drink ration.

We would also only be able to visit before lunch

My Gran was a stereotypical alcoholic in my DMs eyes, and she would refuse to beleive she also has a problem with booze based solely on the fact that she doesnt have the same problems Gran did.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 29/05/2014 10:52

That's why she has to have the evidence- ie her friends and family don't want to be near her when she drinks.

Interesting that your dad has ended up with someone with a similar weakness to his mum, albeit displayed differently. That often happens. He's willing to put up with stuff that others wouldn't because it's a pattern he encountered previously.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/05/2014 12:00

I wonder if she will pop up and visit me tonight? I cant go to her as I will have dd.

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