Life after emotional abuse

[Lookingforabetteryear]

So I've done it . Im free from the relationship and have started my new life. Just need some hints as the memories and anger really plagued my thoughts. How did you move on ? And how did you re define what was a normal relational?

Relationship

With great difficulty, to be honest! Help on here, reading a lot, getting on day by day, reminding myself I'm ok.

It may take quite a bit of time to be truthful. Try to be kind to yourself if its not a smooth ride at the moment - we have these times so we enjoy the happy ones more later!

What did you learn from the last relationship is a start? Sometimes we can work things through ourselves and sometimes we need a bit of help from someone impartial - whether that be a friend, family member, counsellor (whatever you are comfortable with).

Don't try to push on before you have properly grieved over the last relationship. And another piece of advice is be on your own for a while (if you can). I made the mistake of starting a new relationship too quick after my emotionally-abusive one. In hindsight it was not fair on my new partner - because I brought some baggage into the start of the relationship.

As far as defining normal relational - what do you now what from a new relationship? you have an opportunity now to really look at what YOU need - fancy that eh!

Youve recognised that it was an ea relationship - thats the first and most important step.
Write down the things he said and did, really go over them. I can not believe some of the shit I put up with and made excuses for - "You are no supermodel, look at those breasts - but at least you have me". For example. And that's tame.

Now Im in a perfectly brilliant functioning relationship, it astounds me what I coped with.

You WILL be ok - youve done the right thing. Even though I havent done it, I still think getting some counselling for myself would be helpful, it may be expensive but probably worth it. My sister did it when she separated from her H and did her the world of good.

Look after yourself, do some exercise, surround yourself by good people that love you etc.

Good for you OP.

I married a verbally & emotonally abusive fool. He hid his 'face' from me very well...for 5 years before we married. I was shellshocked when we finished. It was a case of getting through each day as best I could. But one day I just had this feeling...like a voice inside me saying "You're free". & that was that. Felt 100% better. You do get over it. Just think how much worse life would be if you were still living with emotional abuse. I actually had a very vivid dream once, that we were still together.. I woke up in a cold sweat. The relief that it was just a dream made me

There are lots of good articles online with tips on how to get over feellngs of anger towards narcissistic emotional abusers. They helped. Can't think of any good books right now but sure others will be along who can. Main thing to keep in mind is that you are free...well rid of a blight on your life and things can only get better from there.

Thanks guys !

I think the first way to move on is to boost your happiness, security, confidence and self-esteem as much as you possibly can. Try new stuff. Do things that scare you a little. Really get to like yourself as a person in your own right because you will have had a long period of someone trying to convince you that you're not quite up to the mark.

The second thing, I think, is to try to understand where the abusive behaviour started, how it increased and how you responded. Means allowing yourself to remember but - if you can - taking one step back from the emotion and looking at yourself almost as another person. You might not be able to do it just yet because it can be a depressing process and you need to be strong enough not to blame yourself. Some people find counselling or the Freedom Programme helpful for this.

As for what is a normal relationship, I'd suggest you pull back from that for a while until you've achieved a level of understanding and confidence. Abusive/bullying/controlling men are sly creatures so it's important, before you get into another relationship, that you a) recognise the early warning signs (red flags) and b) have the confidence to reject them before they can hurt you.