ex partner who can't be bothered to prioritise his own child

[freeish]

Hi I have name changed for this. My ex has only ever seen his child now 10 for one weekend every three weeks due to 'work committments'. Recently he has become part of a band who play in pubs and weddings etc. This weekend I have plans (unusually) but he says he doesn't want to have our son on friday night because he has a gig in a local pub even though it is his weekend to have him. I don't know what to do. I can't force him to want to spend time with our son but I don't want my son to sense how low on his father's priorities he is. I really wanted to have friday night to myself as i was going to do something special. I feel like telling him not to bother at all but I have really tried to promote a good relationship between them for my sons sake. How should I handle this in the best interests of my son?

Is he able to have him in the week?

Well in theory he could as he only lives 10 minutes away but works shifts and I'm not sure he would manage to get him to school etc. His lack of interest isn't new. It has just got worse since he joined a band which takes up evenings at weekends. To be honest he just really isn't that bothered and even when he does have our son he doesn't put much effort in.

Do you have parents/siblings that can help out in this situation?
With my exh - our weekends are our weekends and if we cant help each other out, we will go to "our" babysitters which for me is my sister, and for him is his parents.
It kind of works, but be in no doubt, if I couldnt get a sitter, or he couldnt, then gig or no gig (my exh is in a band too) then the parent that should be having the children, has the children. It keeps it simple and fair. We do try and be flexible, but like you say, actually having plans is rare, its unfair to not do your weekend when its your turn.

If you dont have babysitters to hand, thats a bit different, if hes refusing to have him (which I think is wrong!!) I guess youre a bit stuck.

Hope you sort it out

Unfortunately, you can't force him. & could expend a lot of brain energy on what he SHOULD be doing, but doesn't. Its fighting a losing battle and as much as you'll hate it, your DC will become fully aware sooner than you think that his dad is useless. If possible rope in family to help. Thats what I did as soon as I realised my DDs' dad was a no-hoper when it came to doing the right thing regarding seeing them. Its horrible - you just feel it for your DC. I made up my mind not to dwell on it, and not let it give me the rage. Now that mine are 19 & 18 they just roll their eyes at their dad's promises as they know he's full of shit. I got by with the help of my family, and thank god for them and the loving relationship they all still have with DDs.

Sorry, I don't have much concrete advice for you, but as the daughter of an 'unbothered' father, can I just say don't try to cover up the uselessness of your DS's father? You don't have to make a big deal of how useless he is being either, but just don't cover it up or work really hard to make things happen that your exH doesn't do. My DM used to 'big up' my DF. She thought she was doing things for the best, but it screwed me up for years, as the reality was so different from the words I was being told.

Agree with a PP - try to make other arrangements, as part of a natural 'disengagement process', with people who do really love your DS and want to see/support him.

good luck

Are your ex's parents around/interested in maintaining contact? Could they help?

How old is your son?