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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

my eldest childs father

2 replies

magic5 · 01/09/2006 18:19

Posted: 01 Sep 2006 11:01 Post subject: my daughters father

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he turned up on my doorstep the other day without any warning and four years after we last saw him.(my daughter is 13) i stopped my daughter going for weekends due to him getting her to lie to me. we have never been married.he also denied being her father at various points including to the csa where she had to have a dna test.he also stopped paying maintence saying to the csa he lived on a fiver a week for him,his gf and two sons.i phoned him today asking why he turned up and didnt contact me first and said i was being call aggressive.i didnt shout he done all the shouting in which i asked him not to.he said he was entitled to see her its his daughter etc.he then said dont push me as i can be very nasty etc and put the phone down.

what would you do and why now after all this time without contact?
he comes over very posh and better than anyone else and he has three businesses.
i have told my dd it is up to her but if she didnt want to she would have to tell him,she is not very impressed with him due to the dna test.he tried to say its was part of the csa routine but he had to request that.i have that in writting from the csa.he lives in a new 6 bed house and has two cars,one a sports car.the ten mins he did spend alone with her he blamed me for everything and he didnt really want to spend time with her but i pushed it as i didnt want him in my home.i havent had any maintence for two years has the csa according to him wanted 15 per cent of his earnings.they told me he could of continued to pay so much a month that he had been doing bear in mind he took from her birth to nearly three years to pay any.the csa also told me he still owned them the dna test money.from whenshewas two up till 4 yrs ago i gave unoffical access to dd,sports days,parents eve,wkend access etc.he moaned when his gf got pregnant all way up to dd xmas play and i told him he should of got the chop then and its nothing to do with me(this was eight years ago),he is in his fifthties for christ sake.but why now when his had no real interest before his gf mainly cared on wkends for dd and i wont tolerate lying from my dd.

OP posts:
beddy · 01/09/2006 22:32

This is very distressing for you I am sure, Dont let him bully you into anything though. If you feel he is being genuine about wanting to see his daughter then speak to her about what she wants, but find out the facts about him owing money etc.
If he hasnt been paying anything & you wernt married he may not have the right to just turn up. Find out. Ask the social services to give you the facts.( at the job centre)
He may be being genuine, but get it all checked out before you agree to visits etc.
Your daughter is who is important here.
let us know how it goes. xx

MoreSpamThanGlam · 01/09/2006 22:44

You need a long chat with your child. One where you are not coaxing an opinion - however hard that may be. If, at the end of it he wants to see her then I suggest you see a solicitor and get something agreed between you and him.
I am typing this with gritted teeth, but it is only because ultimately about the realtionship she has with her father.
If he wants to accept her as his child then he needs to pay you directly. tell him you are not interested in name calling and who did what, but you want an arangement that he will keep to..whether it is financial, times and dates or anything. If he cant stick to a plan that is worked out with you and your daughter then tell him to fo!
I have a wealthy dad who decided to turn up late in my life. My mum hated him but i wanted to see him even though i knew he was a tosser, I have spent several years putting up with him letting me down and at the start of the year just thought, thats it - you had your chances, Im done. Your loss - you sad lonely old man.
On the other hand, when my dds dad left I wanted nothing to do with him, but ulimately refused to sling bows and arrows and made arrangements. If he broke them, i broke mine - no discussion until he resolved it. That was 10 years ago - and he is pretty good now, but only due to the boundaries.

Sorry to ramble - try and stay calm!

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