Painful break up :( trouble dealing with it

[katykat5]

Hello, I have posted before about things not being right with my boyfriend of 3 years. See this thread for more info:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2067447-Suspect-boyfriend-might-be-seeing-someone-else

I am feeling so upset today and need some comfort. The situation is much worse now and I am so confused and lost. In the space of a few months, I've gone from thinking this man may be the person I will marry in the future, to us being practically broken up.

I did try to fix things but it was useless. I am almost certain he's having some sort of emotional affair with someone else because he's deliberately distanced himself and he speaks to me like a stranger. Also, when we discuss any problems, everything is my fault and he takes no responsibility at all.

I don't want to be with him anymore because he's treated me so badly these past few weeks. A few months ago, we booked this week off to spend more time together but he's shown no interest in even wanting to meet up and when I text, he ignores it for hours then I get a really short, general reply.

I want to break up with him properly but he won't meet up or answer his phone so it's difficult because I've never been the sort of person to break up with someone by text message. This is driving me mad though - every time I text asking to meet up because we need to talk he just replies with something like "yeah you're probably right." but doesn't commit to any meeting. I don't want to go to his house because I'm not chasing him. It's so confusing because even when I ignore him, he'll carry on texting with general friendly chat like "Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?"

I have felt so down about it today. Just have no motivation to do anything or see anyone because it really hurts. I thought I had found someone who was completely right for me but for him to be so cold and indifferent towards me after 3 years is so hurtful. Then there's the possibility that he's gone cold on me because he's seeing someone else. I found out he's done that in the past to other girls. How can someone treat someone like they mean nothing after being with someone for years?

Sometimes relationships just run out of steam. When they do, the kind & decent thing to do is to have the 'it's not working' speech, wish each other well and move on. The cowardly & cruel thing to do is withdraw, behave badly and leave someone hanging. So if he doesn't want to talk, take the hint, understand that he's a bit of a wanker and wash your hands of him.

Is there really no-one you can be with or talk to today? Some spiky female friend that can tell you 'screw him, I never liked him anyway' or something equally comforting?

OP please just take the bull by the horns and do something about this situation that is making you so desperately unhappy. Text him or call him saying you need to talk, today, and if he is non-committal again then you yourself need to say when and where this talk is going to happen. Don't leave it to him to say it.

If you break up, yes it will be incredibly painful, I won't lie, but then at least you have started the journey of moving on and getting on with your life. You have to take steps to make yourself feel better, and though it seems a hard one to do this is the first of those steps, because you cant just go on like you are now can you?

Thinking of you

This could go on indefinitely. You are trying to sort out a meet so you can talk. He is constantly shying away from that. While I understand you don't wish to break up via technology it sounds as if you might not have any choice. If I were you I would try one more time and he continues to be obstructive then leave it. Go NC and walk away. No more texting or calling. He sounds as of he wants you to just go away quietly so he continues to behave like this in the hope you take the hint.

Thank you. I know I need to do something, it's just so hard when he's acting this way. I have had break ups after long term relationships before but this is the worst because of the situation.

I would like to speak to friends but many of them don't live near me and those that do are working today (I have a week of annual leave.) To be honest, I've drifted apart from a lot of my friends over the past few years because I moved back to my hometown and away from the area where we met (university town).

I suppose I have to try and look at the positives of this situation. A new start with the possibility of meeting someone who treats me well in the future.

It sounds like you've broken up already by his behaviour towards you, why don't you just ignore him, block him and get on with recovering, you don't want to get back with him anyway so why do you have to actually meet him?

I posted on that thread, sorry he has not stepped up. Could it be following your medical treatment he actually feels bad for being the one to call it a day?

He is waiting for you to finish it. He may already be involved with someone else. If you hear of him dating suspiciously soon after you stop contacting him it won't come as a surprise will it. He has form for it. She may not know you exist or he may have told her you are the clingy sort who won't take a hint. Who does he think he is?!

Breaking up is only possible if there's something left to break. Like lots of people he would rather you make that move rather than him be the bad guy. You are already unhappy and deserve better.

I wanted to meet him because I didn't want to end it over text and I want to know what's going on and why he's being like this. To everyone else, he's acting like we're still together. We're still up as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, his profile picture is of us together, his family think things are fine. It's so weird that he's suddenly behaving like this.

Not really weird if he's met someone else and it has now developed.

I'd say it's already over but if you need that closure then arrange to meet him to face to face, that way there won't be any misunderstandings.

Oh katy how frustrating for you and how cruel of him

Look, you have tried to do the grown up thing and do it face-to-face. He has dodged it because he is a spineless twat and he hopes you'll just go away and he won't have to confront his terrible behaviour

Text him and say "This relationship is clearly over. Goodbye. Have a nice life xx" and then start working on mending your broken heart because being in this limbo land is going to make you ill / mad / both

Good luck to you x

This is an opportunity for personal growth. I will never understand why someone, having been treated like crap, still wants to give the other person the privilege of officially ending the relationship. Even more mystifying is that you want to know why he's treating you like crap!! Talk about glutton for punishment. Set your FB profile to 'single' (if that's what people do these days), dump him by text .... be assertive and selfish for once. If he disagrees with any of it I'm sure he'll get in touch.

Well said Cog.

And as for finding out "what's going on and why he's being like this" you probably never will.

He's not going to tell you

If he does give you an explanation it wont be the truth

And even if, by som tiny fluke you did find out "the truth", it won't make any difference. It won't make things better. It won't mend things.

He has showed you over the last few weeks what kind of man he is. You have seen it with your own eyes. Really, what lies he can make up if you do meet won't change that. Because tbh it just doesn't matter now.

I'm sorry for coming across like a doormat, I'm not usually like this. I think I'm just shocked that this has happened so suddenly. Thank you for your advice.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest you were a doormat. I realise you're in shock and I know that you are finding his rejection baffling. This is one of those times when you can justify being completely selfish to the point of bloody-minded... it'll give you strength

You're not coming across as a doormat at all. You're coming across as an upset and confused woman facing an major emotional moment - which is exactly what you are. Don't worry. You will get through this and come out happier for it. Promise

Smiles 7 steps to dumping a waste of space.

Step 1: Block him from FB
Step 2: Download a blocking app on your phone
Step 3: Add his number to it
Step 4: Delete his number from your list as well as all texts received and sent in logs.

Step 5: Get rid of everything of his

Step 6: Go out with mates, get pissed, slag him off to anyone that will listen for the night

Step 7: Take neurofen for your hangover and recognise this is the first day of your new life where you take control and refuse to be messed about with.

Your only trouble is you are thinking like a normal clued up person who respects others' feelings and applies her own standards and codes of behaviour a lazy arse who can't act in a decent fashion.

to a lazy arse etc.

Donkeys, that made me smile :)
He is behaving like an arse. I feel bad for anyone else he dates because he doesn't have any respect. He behaved in a similar fashion with his exes, from what I can tell.