When you're codependent

[lottieandmias]

I've known for some time that I have this issue. I have ordered 'Codependent No More' from Amazon.

Is anyone else like this? Did you manage to change your behaviour in relationships and if so, how?

I've just left my ex partner after finding out that he is a heroin addict. I knew he had a problem but he told me it was amphetamines. Not that one drug is 'better' than another but a heroin addiction is a very dark place that most people find it very difficult to recover from.

I have stopped all contact. I know it's the right thing for me and my family and for him actually but I still feel guilty. But I know that is my own problem talking!

I don't buy into this "co-dependant" theory. It's just another way of blaming women for mens behaviour in my opinion.

Your ex is a heroin addict. It's not your fault.

I know it's not my fault that he's a heroin addict but I think that I am more prepared to put up with stuff that others wouldn't than the average person. He's already lied to me multiple times before this.

I definitely have trouble cutting myself off from damaging relationships - it has happened before. I think the reason for this must be that I'm afraid to be alone.

You can do the freedom programme free online.

Not sure how much help that is do co dependency, but might help you with why you feel yon need to be in a relationship.

Good luck and well done in recognising the pattern.

Thanks Doc. I was taking to a friend of mine the other night. He said I 'need intervention' to end bad relationships.

My ex husband had his own issues. Although he wasn't an addict he was emotionally Unavailable. Then I had a relationship with someone who was violent towards me. And now the most recent is a heroin addict.

I've turned down really nice, decent men in favour of people who have issues. There definitely is a pattern.

"I think the reason for this must be that I'm afraid to be alone"

If this is the case then the answer, I would have thought, is embracing independence. Being alone, but being alone long enough that you really start to appreciate the advantages and freedoms it represents. It's so important to be happy in your own skin and appreciate yourself for yourself. If you have only ever derived self-esteem from being 'someone's girlfriend' or from being their de facto carer/fixer that isn't co-dependency exactly, just a bad habit. Whereas if you can be truly happy as an independent woman you'll judge possible future relationships against whether it's worth sacrificing some of that independence or not.

I am not sure if it is that I'm afraid to be alone or not. It could be. I would say that at this point in time I don't feel afraid to be alone, now that this relationship has ended. But in the past I have. I do like myself, odd as that may sound. But I do definitely need to concentrate on my own life instead of someone else's. And to try not to fall into a relationship again just because someone keeps on at me, which is what has happened before.

The last relationship I did not see my ex partner very much because of the long hours he worked. But when he was here, he spent the whole time asleep and had no money so we couldn't spend time together anyway.

I think I was putting all my concentration on hoping and waiting for him to somehow see the light and decide to get better. I was thinking back to a time when we could go on holiday together and days out, before he started using. I now see that this is ridiculous.

"not to fall into a relationship again just because someone keeps on at me"

You might find this article useful. In the light of what you said above, read the point #9 'The Rusher' and also the last part about why it can feel there is a pattern. I'll copy/paste a section of that below.

After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart

Thanks Cog.

Hi I know I'm late here as I've just stumbled across your thread. I've started listening to a codependency no more podcast on iTunes which is very enlightening and helpful for me. My mum also goes to co-den which is a self help group. There may be one locally to you that you can attend. I hope you can work it all out, I think it's possible to work through with commitment and time.