Have told the children, I need strength to keep going....

[everonwardsagain]

Quick bit of background, have been in an unhappy marriage for a very long time, recent posts are on here. DH has been EA for years and years. Now I've had enough, he has had a breakdown really. Can't stop sobbing, admits everything, all the gaslighting, being an arse etc. He's going today, we told the kids yesterday. It's just bloody awful and not the life I planned. I thought I would feel a certain level of joy at breaking the awful toxic cycle we've lived in for years but I don't, I just feel terribly sad for my dh, my children and all that is not going to be. BUT, I know I have done the right thing in bringing it to a head.

DH has just phoned from work, sobbing that he is broken. He has written me countless love letters over the past two weeks since I told him it was over. He is not asking for another chance, but has said in time he would do anything to win me back, but knows in is heart he has lost me. He wants to be friends, says he will do anything for me and the kids, night or day and expect nothing in return. Fully accepts everything is his fault. I hate to see him so destroyed, I do love him, but he did this to himself, I can't begin to explain how many chances I gave. He is a very mixed up person, but somehow this is still all about him and how he is feeling. He doesn't blame me for ending it and as sad as he is, says I should have done it for myself years ago. The decent person I married that disappeared is now reappearing and it's so unfair.

Kids seem okay at the mo, was horrible telling them, was a few tears (not from him thank god!) and lots of questions. I just feel numb and dead, I daren't let my emotions go else I'll never stop and someone has got to stay strong.

Please tell me it gets better. I feel relieved but sad, but certainly not as relieved as I thought I would. I am so frustrated as it could have been so different. He loves me so much and our children but just couldn't bloody change. Arrrghhhh!!!!! I don't think I could ever have him back but I don't want anybody else either. What a sad situation. All I ever wanted was a happy life with him and our children but he ruined it, but nobody else can ever share our history or care about our children the way we do. How do I move on??!

Hi, no help on moving on I'm afraid. Am in the same situation but have yet to actually clearly finish it as he's so volatile and I'm not as brave as you.
Be proud of what you have done,its a huge step forward, it can only get easier. Hang on to the relief it's there for a reason.

You move on - to use a cliché - one day at a time. Means having the courage of your convictions on the one hand and gathering as much practical, emotional and moral support as you can on the other. It will be upsetting that he seems to be so distraught and finally acknowledging his role in the breakdown but, to sum up what I think you're saying, it's 'too little too late'. You don't have to stay strong in the circumstances which is why you need the RL support - you're only human and some days will be better than others. But I think you are going to have to harden your heart towards him short-term.

The relief will come gradually.

It will get easier! I'm 18 months down the line and whilst it hasn't been a barrel of laughs (been through every emotion going and then some), I am now on the happier, brighter other side.

It's cheesy but time is a great healer.

You haven't failed yourself or your children, in fact you've done the opposite and you'll all see this in time.

My 2 DS were 14 and 16 at the time with DS1 doing GCSE's (not the greatest timing on my part). But he came out with fantastic grades, there's no angst or underlying tensions in the house anymore and whilst I still have moments of sadness, they are short lived.

I wish I'd done it years ago but then hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Keep going, it will get better.

Exactly what cog said - hardening the heart will definitely help.

I don't hate XH but he's definitely a twat

You move on in small steps at a time :)

Its normal I think to look at what your life could have been & grieving for what you have lost but you are doing the right thing in continuing to recognise that he is to blame. Well done for not giving in when he started to resurface into the man you married, you know that if you did get back together then that man would soon disappear again. Cynics may even say that the tearful phone calls & letters are a manipulation to get you back. You sound remarkably together to me & your clear sightedness & strength will get you through.

The children will be fine, answer their questions according to their age & let them know that this was a grown up decision & they were in no way involved. Reassure them that they are loved.

I think the move on emotionally is hard, but the moving on in practical terms, e.g. divorce, living separately etc can also help as it redefines your living conditions & he is no longer part of any of that. The relief may come a bit later, when the first shellshock has gone & you suddenly remember something he did & you think 'how did I live like that'.

Well done. The hard part is now done & it does get easier

Thank you all, your kind words really help. He left me a card this morning, on the front it says 'be bright, be happy, be you'. Why couldn't he have shown some of this side of him these past 5 years or so?! My cards from him are usually last minute cheap numbers from the newsagents. I never expected perfection but I know I deserve so much more than what I've had. He absolutely knows what he's done but my energies are all still on him and his feelings. I think once he's gone it will help and will give me some much needed head space to start to dust myself off and move forwards. So so sad it came to this. Thank you again for the support, it really helps.

You're doing the right thing, you are entitled to be happy, he can't bring you happiness, you've gave him plenty opportunity, he's crying because he now realises he's lost everything but fundamentally he's not a very nice person and is incapable of being in a successful relationship, you are not, so you will find happiness now.

I also think you need to harden that heart a bit, the only person that can truly love you is yourself, it's yourself you can rely on 100%, nobody else.

Thank you Jan, yes possibly I do need to harden myself. I can't believe that he is fundamentally not a nice person, perhaps that's the optimist in me. He has acted very badly towards me, I do genuinely believe he is sorry for whatever reason but I also know that doesn't mean I have to go back for more. It's time for me now, I just want to get through this best I can. He is a very flawed and troubled person but naive as I may be, I can't believe he is a horrible person full stop, for me that would call into question our whole marriage and why I chose him as the father of our wonderful children if that makes sense? He was never this bad, was lovely when we started out, just got progressively worse till it's been unbearable for too long. I recognise I'm defending him but am also standing firm for me now.

He has had treatment for MH issues in the past, I made many allowances but ultimately he now needs to get help and sort himself out, I can't keep on mothering him to no avail.

Just told our 5 year old :( that was hard, lots of tears, but then he jumped up and started playing Minecraft and asked for lunch. It's certainly a long journey but we're on the road now.....

Few people are horrible full stop. There will have been periods of genuine happiness and kindness and it's a normal way to protect yourself from bad experiences to bury the bad memories and remember the good ones. However, it is that cycle of bad behaviour, excuses, optimism, making allowances & sticking around hoping that the nice version of them will reappear that will have kept you in the relationship for so long already. Once you've realised something like that, there's no going back

Glad you're standing firm.

OP, you're doing great and kids are extremely robust and will adjust accordingly hopefully without too much upset.

No, he's not horrible, just horribly troubled and took it all out on you, you're right to expect and want an equal relationship, that's what we all want and deserve.

It gets better. Close your ears, eyes and heart to him. He had his chance. Now he wants to control you with his emotional crisis. No, ta. Move on.

Thanks again, this is such a help to me. Not horrible, but horribly troubled, sums it up well :(

Good luck OP, I think you're going to have a lovely future.

Thanks again, and I hope so Jan. After years of posting on here I can't believe he has now actually gone. I'm a little shell shocked. I love him so much but he is so flawed and troubled. I can't do it anymore. Kids asking questions but am proud of how we have behaved in front of them, handled it well I hope. So, onwards we go, but at least we have broken the awful cycle of the past few years. It had to be done. Thank you so much to all who have taken the time to support me, I am so very grateful