Death of abusive ex stepdad

[MrsNutella]

This is for my mum more than me really...

My mum and stepdad for together not long after my parents divorced when I was about 13/14. They got married when I was 15.
My step dad isolated my mother over the years and my brothers and I left home.

It wasn't until some years later, I was around 22 that I realised how controlling he was. My mum was quite unhappy but wouldn't leave, she was over 50 she didn't want to go through all that "finding a partner business" again and no matter how hard I tried she decided staying was best.

Fast forward another 5 years and my mum found the strength to start divorcing him. That took the best part of a year and during that time I found out more about how abusive the relationship really was.

I always felt he treated her like a slave, did his best to keep her apart from her family and make it as difficult for her as possible to spend time with us.

He was horrible to my brothers and I. Always rude and unfriendly and my mum did her best to make us say sorry and keep the peace.
They got divorced 3.5 years ago and mum is finally happy. Happier than I've ever known her.

He had five kids of his own (and was possibly a worse parent to them than he was to us).

Anyway, my Mum always kept in touch with his oldest son and the son's wife. They're nice and relatively normal considering. A couple of weeks ago she told me that the wife, let's call her Jane, had been in touch and that my ex-stepdad was very poorly. He was unitary given 8/10 months.

Then that was cut to three months and just recently he went further downhill. Saturday just gone she sent me a message to say Jane had been in touch. They had all been called to stepdad's bedside as he was expected to go shortly.

I sent her a message telling her that it was ok for her to be sad and that he had been a part of her life for a long time (15 ish years). I told her to enjoy her beautiful family (she was visiting my oldest brother and his kids).

I spoke to her last night and she said he was still hanging on. This morning she text to say he had passed away.

I'm feeling a bit mixed about it honestly and that's why I've posted here instead of bereavement. I hope that's ok. I'm sorry this has become so long but it's good to get it out!
Thank you!

I'm sorry for your loss. Even if he was a horrible human being, you're not. So whilst you might feel some relief that he's no longer around, as a decent person you will be conscious that it's not the done thing to be dancing a jig on the news of someone's death. Sounds like there's been a lot of misery but I expect there's also some good memories from those early days before you realised what he was really like. Mixed feelings would be entirely normal.

Cogito thanks! That kind of sums it all up really well. It is horrible knowing what he did to my Mum and I'm happy for her that she is really properly free if him now.
But no I don't want to dance a jig, it wouldn't be right and no one really deserves that.
Thank you. It just helps to have a place to put these feelings IYKWIM.

And I think you said the right thing to support your Mum. She presumably loved him once

Its that 'loved him once' thing. Last year I heard that the exH had a brain tumour and was likely to die. It upset me for weeks. We haven't been together for over 25 years and I was thoroughly glad to be rid of him when we split (though it was scary, traumatic, distressing). he was a bad husband and a bad father, but I must have loved him once.

You and your mum sound like nice people. I am sorry for your loss and that he didn't make your mum's life happier when he could.

Sorry for your DM glad she found the strength to divorce him. I won't question her generosity of spirit in going to see him in the last stage of his illness. Her stepson and his DW evidently respect her. But it's good of you to be so understanding.

Thanks everyone. I'm just trying to let her be sad because I know she'll push it down and put on brave face. I want her to know that isn't necessary.

donkeys sorry. My long blurb is probably a bit confusing. She didn't go to visit him. I think "Jane" sent her a message just so that mum knew he had deteriorated.
I think it helped mum too because said she was sad about it on Saturday but had time between now and then to get used to the idea - IYSWIM.

No my fault don't apologise, i got the wrong end of the stick.