How to understand completely unreasonable jealousy.

[littlegreenlight1]

Just that really.
DP has a female friend from long ago, they never have been together. She is a bit of a flirt but there is nothing from him at all. There was one occasion she sent a slightly (imo) inappropriate FB message.
They will be meeting for a drink soon, I trust him completely but still feel yuk.
I need to stop feeling yuk, I have no basis for it, just my own stupid head.

If she's a bit of a flirt that sends inappropriate FB messages and he's still meeting her for a drink (will you be there as well?) then your feelings are not completely unreasonable. Does he swat her down over the flirting? Look embarrassed? Or does he enjoy the ego-stroking?

You are not being completely unreasonable.That doesn't mean to say anything will happen though.i have been in situations like yours and tell myself " Do I trust him?" I do, so I have to have faith that nothing will happen.I can't stop it from happening ..just like he can't stop me..but I know I love him so wouldn't do anything at all so he doesn't need to worry- I have faith it's the same way round for him.

I think it is perfectly ok to sound him out about this. Some men would take advantage of their wife saying nothing. "Well, littlegreenlight1 is ok with it, she didn't tell me not to go". Just for the record, if the tables were turned, how would he feel then???

None, he doesnt even notice it and the one time I told her I didnt like it she definitely denied it and said it was nothing more than reminiscing now she's old and doesnt party like they used to. It was only one message once.

Christ he is nothing like that at all and when we spoke about how it made me feel he said that even though she was reminiscing it meant nothing to him as that is a phase of his life (partying way too hard pre-kids) that was long gone and he doesnt miss at all. And he didnt reply to her.
I expect I probably will be invited - not that anything has properly been arranged but theres a chance I will be busy and cant make it. She will have her kids probably and definitely will have to drive. She lives nowhere near us.
I am making a mountain out of a molehill, its a part of my personality I hate and have to learn to figure out.

Are you unreasonably jealous about his contact with other women? Work colleagues? Other friends? Do you get irrationally twitchy if he spends time away from home? Or is it just this one person?

No its just her!
I am being unreasonable - as I said above, its something I need to work on.
I am not jealous about anyone else apart from this drop dead gorgeous old friend that he had a whole life with (as friends only and I know that is true!) before I came along!!!!!!
I will not bring this up as a big deal, if he goes, whether Im there or not, I will deal with it in a positive way and hopefully, I can learn from it.
Incident with the message happened inbetween the last time he saw her and now - so I knew this occasion would come up some time and think Ive just overthough it since then.

If you are invited why not go along? Making friends with her will really help.You will see there is nothing to worry about and , if she is interested, she will see the couple you are. Plus you will see them interacting as friends whereas you are just probably imaging all sorts now.

I don't want to alarm you but my exH had an old girlfriend who he would mention from time to time. They weren't in touch as far as I knew. Now I'm about as relaxed as it gets about female friends -really not the jealous type - but there was something in his voice when he mentioned 'Mary' that made my hackles rise. Said nothing, naturally. Like you I thought it was an irrational thing caused by my own insecurities. One day he casually mentioned that he'd met Mary by chance on a train and I tell you, my heart just sank.... Three months later he left me, moved in with Mary and they're now married with two kids.

I'm not saying the same thing is happening here but, if it's just her that makes you uneasy, I would be honest with your DH and tell him how you're feeling after the FB message.

Thank you.
I know her actually anyway, she is the big sister of one of my best friends who lives far far away abroad. We actually before that message would meet up independently of dp - so while me and X were best mates as teens - dp and her were too -but several years older than us. Cos X lives abroad and mine and thingys kids are similar ages we meet up when shes back here in our home town anyway (well we did, she probably thinks Im a psycho now).
Then me and DP got together, which she thought was lovely.
When they met at xmas she messaged me too and we all went to the pub with the kids, had lunch, then went our separate ways.

I will be honest with him if it all goes ahead, tell him I feel shit about it, he will be understanding and either Ill probably go or he just wont.

I'd have cut contact with her after the flirty message. Really it was your partners job to shut down that sort of message. It always bothers me when men claim not to notice these things , they're not 12.

It bothers me that your looking at this from the point of view that your being irrationally jealous. There's obviously something about her that is bothering you and I would pay attention to that. I'm also not a jealous person but have also had an issue with a particular person , turns out it was more than justified.

Why don't you just tell him you've become uncomfortable with the friendship.

I would trust your instincts - especially if you are only twitchy about this one.

How did/does your DP react to her flirting and that message?

Unfortunately many mid life crisis affairs develop from this kind of situation - an old friend of the opposite sex, ego stroking attention making one feel young/sexy plus eroding boundaries resulting in a slide down the slippery slope into a full blown affair.

He hasn't been in touch with her at all since that message. I'm only assuming they'll meet up cos she's put on fb she's back in town soon.

He was wonderful about it all, really reassured me etc.

I suppose I am justified in how I feel and I will definitely tell him. I'll report back and let you know his decision!

Would he like it - doubt it, you are not being unreasonable at all and I don't buy that either that men don't notice when a woman is clearly flirting with them, they do.

Go along!

I will :) or I'll put a stop to it in the first place! Thanks guys, time for me to stop stressing and get on with my day!

I do think you are being unreasonable. You have no grounds to suspect your H of wanting to have sex with her and really no grounds to suspect her of wanting to have sex with him, either. However, it's him you need to trust. Even if she did have some intentions towards him, he could still cheerfully ignore them because he has no sexual interest in her. Men are not all dick-led and are perfectly capable of not having sex with a woman who offers it because they do not find the woman desirable.

Is there something else in your life that is making you more than usually anxious? I think your H regards her firmly as a friend and has decided that he will simply 'not register' any flirty signals from her because he's not interested but likes to keep up with his old friend very occasionally.

I'm a very anxious person, more self esteem, always think the worst etc. As I said, I'm aware of this and am trying to deal with it.
Your post has really helped, thank you.

*low self esteem

This doesn't sound like a low self esteem issue. Actually the way you've handled it so far , confronting her about the message , suggests to me you've got good boundrys and you know when they've been crossed.

Whether he intends for anything to happen or not isn't the point. He's not daft and he likely knows a flirty message when he sees it. More to the point , so does she , hence her denial.

I think all the people going waa, waa, trust your instincts, men are beasts, etc, are really not helping. Irrational jealousy does exist and it can be really poisonous. It can be focussed on one specific, entirely innocent, individual or incident because it's irrational.

OP I would suggest getting help with your self-esteem at some point. Mainly because that will do you good whatever happens, WRT your marriage and anything and everything else going on in your life.

Sometimes I do not understand some of the threads on here in MN. Well, if I was in your position, I would search within myself and asks myself honestly, "what it is that I wanted to know". Where is the jealously coming from. It is okay to be jealous, you know. But the question is, from that emotion must come with some queries. What is it ? To me, off the top of my head, I would want to know why my partner loves me and why they are with me. That for one will assure me what it is that they love about me, and how we are as a couple. The second question or query I would be intrigued is, if both of them were very young and almost like young friends til now. How come he never dated her? Isn't that the question that you ponder about too ?

And anyway, it does not matter if you are paranoid about her, and that she flirted. If both of you were indeed adult about things, she should've retracted her flirting too as it is making you uncomfortable. That is what we womenfolk do. You shouldn't be put in a position of anger. The question is whether she also gives you the loyalty as well as she gave to him as well. That kind of thing.

I would go along to the meet-up too, and why not genuinely catch up and see where she is now in life ? Afterall since you know each other quite well. And at the same time, there really shouldn't be that much secret between you and your partner as well. So, whatever they are talking about, even if it is in the past, at least you can see and find out for real how your partner is as a person and so forth. It might open a new understanding of him. I would also look at their body languages and so forth as well. That will say whether they do like each other in that context or not.

I don't think you are being unreasonably jealous at all, OP. Not unless you're going through every female friendship in your man's life with a fine toothcomb and insisting he doesn't have any female friends. It doesn't sound as if you are.

This woman has upset you and made you feel uncomfortable, because she knows you are married to your DH and still flirted with him. Its also disrespectful of your relationship. What are you supposed to do? Grin, and pretend to be happy? For the sake of who/what? Your feelings matter too, they are there for a reason not for 'no reason', and that makes them not irrational at all. I hope you can explain to your DH and he understands how you feel.

fwiw I can't see that your DH would get up to anything at all, with her. But he isn't unaware of her flirting - he's a grown man. & going out with a woman who flirts with him...she is likely to flirt during that meet, isn't she? Again, not saying he would flirt back at all. But it'd be a bit much to believe he expects it to be a non-flirty chat evening, especially with booze involved.

Talk to him let him know how you feel and why. Good luck.

The old friend meets up and brings her children along, hardly a seduction situation! YABU, you know you are.

I completely get where you're coming from though, jealousy is a horrible thing to grab you. I suffer from it myself, I'm sure if you really thought about it you'd see it's down to how you feel about yourself and not his friend at all. She's so funny, they have so much in common etc when really it's I'm not as good as her, I don't deserve him.

If a man is going to cheat he will. To me, it really doesn't sound like they have that sort of relationship.

Thank you all so much.
We had a chat.
He has no intention of meeting her it seems, he is not happy still about her disrespecting me by sending that message a few months ago and feels nothing more than she is categorised in the "old friend" box. He said that it was her fault, not mine, that they wouldn't be meeting up as if she hadn't done it, we could have all comfortably met up. I said I'd go along with it but no.
He said all this, not me.

He's a superstar, I feel guilty for being upset by her. But I am, rightly or wrongly she got under my skin. I trust him completely, but no, not her. He doesn't look at her like that though and I need to now put it all behind me.

I don't know why they weren't together when younger, but I sure as hell am not going to raise that now, I had plenty of male friends that I didn't sleep with at their age, surely most people do!

Enough, I am not wasting another minute on such negative and unhelpful thoughts.

And yes, I'm going to see the Dr about these issues I have, I've battled against it for years, it's not fair on myself or my partner or children.

Thanks again.